So I (23m) asked her (24f) out about 2 years ago and it was going really smooth for most of it. We had a pretty traditional relationship, things were going well. I hadn’t ever had a girlfriend before and ended up losing my virginity to her about a year ago which was kindve the first thing that led us to some issues. When we had sex for the first time I ended up telling her that I was glad it was her for my first time and she kinda laughed and said that, “Losing it isn’t something special for guys” which hurt cause I had waited and wanted it to be someone special who I really loved. I didn’t make it a problem, I didn’t think it was a big deal.
Then the last few months after we’d moved in together she asked about any kinks and stuff I’d had, which I was open to her about saying I’d be into her kindve taking control would be cool, and she laughed about that too. She said that’s fine and was open to it, but ever since we started doing that she’s been increasingly disrespectful to me, making some really mean comments both during those sexual times and outside of them. Just some derogatory comments about me and how I’m “not a real man” for wanting her to take charge.
I’ve talked with her about how it makes me feel and she’s apologized but, it’s maybe at best slowed it down a bit. She still does it, and it does honestly just hurt my feelings seeing as I’ve never opened up with anyone about that kind’ve stuff and she now mocks me for it. I was really ready at one point to propose to this girl, but I feel like if this is how it is the relationship is pretty much dead. We are in the same friend group which is a bummer in itself, but I am slightly concerned she’s going to make me look bad to those friends as well. Is there anything I can/should do? Should I just cut it now and deal with the repercussions?
TLDR: Girlfriend has been increasingly disrespectful to me since learning more about me and it feels like any chance of salvaging our relationship is gone.
3 comments
Sounds like she’s being a brat and wants to be put back in her place (sub/dom)
Orrrr she’s just an asshole, and it’s time to cut ties.
Sounds like your girlfriend has some rigid ideas about gender roles. As a woman in my early 30s, I’ve definitely experienced hurts based on men viewing themselves through that rigid lens. Like if you are a real man, you don’t talk about feelings or open up and be vulnerable. Meaning I’m left in the dark or faced with a lot of high walls when I’ve tried to get to know these guys more intimately.
24 is young enough to be impressionable or to leave your toxic ideas about gender unchecked. But you are about the same age and you may be farther along than she is.
Honestly, both sides of this sound immature.
You could talk it out but honestly, I think you should just straight up call her out and shut her down the next time she does that.
Firstly, don’t put up with shit from your partners. This is a lesson it took me a long time to learn myself. When I was younger I was the appeasing type – she’d say shit that would hurt me and I’d mostly just want to avoid confrontation and not hurt her or risk upsetting / losing her. But honestly, fuck that – no good woman ever left a man because he knew his worth and set a reasonable boundary.
Stand up for yourself, tell her to knock that shit off. Everyone wants to feel wanted and pursued in sex and she needs to get over herself. Don’t pull any punches, you have needs too and you’re not going to compromise – lay down the law and tell her how it is. What you want isn’t weird, it’s not feminine, it’s completely normal male behaviour. This isn’t a debate, your not asking her opinion. You’re telling her how it is.
Secondly, you standing up for yourself and setting boundaries here is literally the single most manly way to handle this and deflate her entire (toxic) perspective on the situation.
I was in a similar situation when I was your age (early 30s now), and the truth is I wish I had learned to properly stand up for myself in my romantic relationships earlier in life.
Don’t let any woman talk to you this way (unless it’s specifically part of a sexual fantasy). Be direct, be confident – tell her respect isn’t optional in this relationship and if she can’t get over herself you’ll find someone who can give you what you need out of a partner.