I’m so bummed. My (30F) husband (38M) and I have an incredibly solid marriage. We are each other’s best friends. We flirt like silly teenagers, we have fun, we make a point to say what’s on our heart. I am extremely secure in our marriage. My husband really is a fantastic man and father. So what’s the problem right?
Yesterday we were at a pet store with our 3 boys. All of a sudden this woman comes by who is clearly very, very beautiful. I look, I see my husband look, and then I move on. I’m not a jealous person. I even point out women to my husband sometimes like wow she’s gorgeous (I’m also bi). So we have a very open dialogue and it’s never hurt either one of each other’s feelings before.
But yesterday not only did he look, he gawked at this woman for 10 minutes. His eyes were fixated on her and if they weren’t he was very obviously tying not to look obvious. It really, really hurt me. I’m not naive. I get it. But for those 10 minutes, for the first time it felt like my husband was not my husband. I was embarrassed. Women know when they’re being looked at. She knew. And it felt awful and disrespectful towards me and her alike. People must be like wow look at that dude with a family..you know?
And then just for a little history, my husband and I haven’t always been the most sexually compatible. But our marriage has always been SO strong in every other aspect that we have really made a solid effort to do things to improve our sex life. I’ve had 3 kids. I’m not a supermodel but I’m not a flaming hot pile of garbage either. I’m 5’5 and I weight 130 lbs. So I haven’t let myself go and I really worked hard to get my body back and to see him admire someone in a way he has never admired me just really stung. My heart hurts. I know he’s sorry too. You can see he’s sick with the fact that he has hurt me. And I want to be able to just move on but I’m so reserved and I’ve sunken into this shell. Why can’t I let this go? I need the right words to help me heal. I’m not looking to rag on my very loving husband. I’m sad guys…
34 comments
It sounds like you have a good enough relationship that you could voice this to him. Ask him what it was about her or whatever it is that is on your mind.
Just as you said, you all are best friends, you have open dialog, so just let him know how it made you feel. Talk about it, make up, and move on.
What the hell was up with him that he acted like he was 13? (I doubt it was any fun for the women he was ogling either.)
My dude, this is a tough one and I’m sorry you’re going through it.
You’re already doing the hard part and being open and honest in your communication with each other. He looked at her and had trouble looking away, so that’s an understandable hit to your confidence. He didn’t slip her his number. He didn’t try to bench press the pet store counter to show off for her. He didn’t drop to a knee and propose. He feels guilty about being distracted by her, and you feel less appreciated – which is perfectly valid. It sounds like you’ve got a decent dude who got brainshocked in public. You guys keep talking and you’ll be just fine. If he feels terrible, let him say so and be sure to let him know how you feel. Make it an “emotions not solutions” conversation, and give each other a hug. You’re okay.
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Husband here (not Op’s husband):
Not having a strong sex life is hard. It isn’t always what I want and it isn’t always something she wants.
We all push thoughts out of our head that try and lead us down the wrong paths. Sometimes that voice is a little louder and makes me stop. Sometimes, I am caught in a day dream that I am not dreaming but on autopilot. There have been times where I have hurt my wife even though I am literally somewhere else in my head.
He is hurt that he hurt you. I am sure that he has feelings that he would like to talk about, but he knows they would hurt you. Would you really want him to say more than “I’m sorry”? He has stuff to work through also. And that really sucks for both of you. The honesty of the situation may lead to even more hurt feelings, but if you two are supportive in every other part of your marriage then I would suggest talking to him to get his perspective also. Remember, the guy that was present in the situation may have been more of something he was mot aware of (and may not be comfortable knowing now that it exists). I have found that there are times I am not comfortable taking to my wife about what I am going through because it is a part of me that would break her emotionally and not the one person that I want to share my deepest feelings is someone that I have to keep distant until I can figure out what is going on myself.
I am so sorry that both of you went through that experience. Good luck in future conversations.
I would recommend not talking about other attractive people in general. Just because you’re bi doesn’t mean you and your husband need to check out hot women together. Does he show you handsome men? Of course it’s normal to notice, but I think you’ve both normalized noticing them together, which maybe makes him feel more comfortable and justified. Spend more time focused on each other. In sure it’s exhausting with young children and (I assume) pets. But can you find time for dates? Time to just be together and really connect? You’re going to drift apart if you don’t work to connect. Best of luck.
Why are men normalizing staring at women single or not. It’s uncomfortable whether it’s w a partner or being stared at by ourselves, you hear us say it all the time but wanna keep doing it bc it’s “nature” to stare? To look sure, glance, not stare. Please.
It’s interesting you’ve listed your weight as indication of not letting yourself go. Do you think because you’re (presumably) bigger than her that’s what caught his attention? Fair enough this woman was super attractive but she isn’t you, and you’re who your husband loves.
This is going to sound counterintuitive but hear me out. I recently had a situation with a beloved family member where they hurt me very deeply. We talked about it, they apologized in tears, and I forgave them. But it was only with my head, not with my heart, and I didn’t realize it at the time. I thought that because they apologized to me, and I said “I forgive you” everything was OK, but it wasn’t OK. I was becoming bitter and our relationship was becoming very strained and my heart was still broken that they would hurt me like they did. I was on the verge of going no contact and I hated it because we had always had such a good relationship.
One day I texted them and told them I was becoming bitter about the incident, and I know that bitterness ruins relationships, and I didn’t want our relationship ruined. I told them I didn’t blame them as they had apologized profusely already and I had accepted their apology, but it was MY responsibility to deal with MY bitterness.
Once I acknowledged my bitterness and confessed it to them, guess what? My bitterness disappeared literally overnight. Something in the act of taking responsibility for my own feelings rather than making my feelings someone else’s responsibility healed me.
It’s counterintuitive because when I think of being hurt by someone I think that they have to make me feel better, but after someone apologizes from the heart, the remaining work of forgiveness belongs to us. We can hold on to our bitterness because we are right to be hurt, and let it destroy our relationships or we can acknowledge that bitterness is destroying an otherwise great relationship and be freed from it.
My biggest takeaway from my situation is that I have to keep communicating when a valued relationship is in jeopardy. It sounds like you are also in a valued relationship that you want to heal, and your husband has apologized from the heart for hurting you. Now identify any feelings of bitterness and talk about them, own them, and allow forgiveness to move from your head to your heart. Don’t continue to blame someone who has given you a heartfelt apology but do articulate to them your feelings so you both can heal.
This would really upset me , the petty side of me would do the exact same thing with an attractive guy the next time we were out , just so he knew how it felt ,
But the logical side of me would keep communicating and maybe talk about each other’s boundaries and what we each find within our comfort levels of respect ,
Also what was it about this women in particular? I mean like you said you knew , she knew, the other people in the store knew if he was that obvious?
I don’t understand the people normalizing gawking/staring at someone. Noticing? Of course. Getting married doesn’t magically make us blind to other attractive people in the world. It’s the gawking/staring I can’t get over. It’s juvenile, and normalizing it insinuates that self-control is beyond the scope of the average man. Just… yuck.
Oh man! I’m so sorry, the double-edged feeling of “I’m not good enough” + “wait, is my husband gross?” is a rough one. Sounds like you’re talking in the right ways, but give him some specific ways he can show that awe for you too, whether that’s more compliments, more touch, etc. And keep talking about the respect issue – for both you and other women in public. On behalf of all us other women out there, it’s super important for him to realize this isn’t just about your individual feelings getting hurt.
Objectively you guys have the foundation to move on, the only thing is you need to give your heart the space and TIME to process, however long, you deserve it. It’s totally ok what happened made you feel bad and possibly still does, just validate your feelings everytime it comes up. Essentially fake it till you make until your heart catches up to your mind 🙂 You got this!
I’m not at all the nice rug sweep partner who waits until later to bring up something that bothers me. In that exact moment, I would’ve elbowed him and been like “what the fuck, dude? Could you try not to blatantly stare at another woman in public while we’re together?”
But you sound much nicer than me lol.
I completely understand your feelings and I’m only going to say 2 things:
1. This woman was likely put together as most of us are when we go out. But it’s you he gets um, excited over even when you have no make up on (or clothes). Our husbands have seen us at our worst and yet still want us.
2. This won’t help right away, but one day you will both joke about it and you will feel even sexier than before. It’s only you he would miss and truly want❤️
Your hearts are in the right place! Love wins.
Give yourself time I don’t feel like this is something in a week or so that you should have to be over. I feel like you’re doing all the right things you’re trying to communicate your feelings of the situation.
I’d be hurt too, in fact, I’m mad at my husband over this too 😉 (kidding of course)
Just to say your feelings are valid, he’s your best friend and you’re so lucky to have such a good man. We all mess up. Maybe this will spark some insight into other things. I bet he never does it again. Next time call him out publicly 😌
I feel horribly for both you and that woman. That woman probably feels as bothered by your husband’s actions as you do, to be completely honest. She probably saw you, your husband, and your three sons and then felt him staring. As a woman who’s been there, I know that stare. It’s that yucky feeling when eyes are on you, watching your every move when you’re just living your life. And you know she probably was disgusted that he was doing that in front of you and your children. Your husband should be ashamed of himself. I don’t understand the comments here that are normalizing this behavior. It’s predatory and is what makes women feel uncomfortable walking home alone at night.
I know this was a single incident and it seems that he feels terribly, which is good because he should after he just publicly humiliated you. I would just openly communicate about how exactly it made you feel. How your confidence took a serious hit.
Is it possible that maybe he feels it’s okay to look since you’ve even gone as far to point out women to him? I mean obviously this was a little over the top, but I feel like since you guys have talked about it and this *wasn’t* taboo before this event, perhaps this is just more a conversation about boundaries? Hopefully that makes sense?
I’m bi as well it’s not smart to talk about women with your husband because you can be secure and still get your feelings hurt 100%. I think it was a mistake but you told him how you feel so just work on making sure each of you is comfortable with y’all’s actions.
If you’ve communicated about it and he is sorry then just give yourself some time to move past this. It’s ok to be upset when your partner is thoughtless. It’s ok to take time to forgive. Sending hugs.
It seems like time will heal this sting to have it not be so intense as it feels at this moment. You appear logical and able to access understanding AND feel the emotional pain as well. Keep thinking positivity and when you’re upset about it, as for reassurance from your spouse because it sounds like he’s receptive to that as well. Continue risking vulnerability and letting your husband catch you and reassure you. Time will heal the intensity of the feeling and communication is key in navigating this together!
Hi OP,
I am so sorry you got hurt that way. I am, sort of, on the other end of the spectrum. My wife is, almost always, in the position that other woman was in. I have watched guys do a double take, watched guys just stare – sometimes for quite a while.
So I understand your hurt – it upsets me to see these guys, most of them wearing a wedding band, gawking at my wife. I am very glad to hear that you had a conversation with your husband about this. Perhaps you could pass this on to him…
My wife told me that when guys openly stare at her that she can feel them undressing her with their eyes. And it creeped her out. It made her feel awful too. So tell your husband this is how a majority of women feel when guys treat them like a zoo animal. It’s rude and creepy AF.
So you guys don’t ever give up those open and honest conversations. That sort of communication is what make marriages strong and long lasting.
It makes me very uncomfortable when a guy is looking while with his SO. Especially if she notices. I try to make it obvious that it’s weird and walk away.
Brace yourself pick mes are coming to tell you that men are visual creatures, visual creatures that can’t make the difference between petroleum blue and sky blue, visual creatures that can’t find the box of milk right under their eyes, he was a douche and him being the low libido one in your couple shows that he is probably preferring to masturbate to other women instead of having sex with you, and what you saw is just the tip of the iceberg , be prepared, you seem like a classy, balanced and a reasonable person, what your husband did was creepy, disrespectful and hurtful, like maya angelo said :when people show you who they are believe them » so please don’t hide your head in the sand , your husband is ”looking ”that’s alarming because what happens when the woman wants him back? how big the temptation will be for him ? be prepared for the worst even if you plan on working on your relationship
I’d be hurt as well, that kind of thing always stings. Yes men look, I mean, even women look… but something that blatant would really sting as you’ve said.
It’s good that y’all have a strong marriage and especially good that you were able to talk to him about it, that can be the hardest part. I will say that sometimes it just takes a little time for the sting to wear off. I hope you were really open and honest about how this made you feel and I hope he was understand and plans to not do something like this in the future. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this
This happened to me once when I was with DH in a restaurant. He literally could NOT stop looking at this young woman beside me. I wanted to smack him. But it was a one-off. I still remember, but in the context of a good marriage, it’s nothing you should hang onto. Tell yourself to forget and move on. Also, he sounds remorseful.
It’s also a terrible example to set for three young boys.
Looking is one thing, open-mouthed drooling is a different story.
Next time don’t wait 10 minutes, a sharp elbow jab should do the trick.
My husband started doing this 8 years ago and didn’t stop. He has a type and he does the cringe worthy, up and down, almost drooling staring thing for 15-20 seconds at a time.
Making everyone in the 20’ radius around us uncomfortable.
He denied it for years, then finally came clean. I felt crazy that he wouldn’t admit it.
I don’t have any real advice, but I understand how you feel.
The one odd thing my husband said to me after I told him I sometimes get creepers staring at me: “well, if you would wear your wedding ring, they wouldn’t do that!”
So there you have it, folks, a wedding ring, according to my husband, would stop creeps from staring at you.
He is full of helpful solutions!
I’m going to ask him if the girls he stared at had wedding rings on, bet he doesn’t remember.
I feel you 😔
A beautiful woman, a beautiful car an adorable puppy, kitten. You name it I’ll look at them. Just my instinct. But my wife is the most beautiful woman to me and my number one. And I’m sure it’s the same for him. You’re his beautiful queen and you’ll always be his number one. You’re irreplaceable and you complete him.
Providing it doesn’t happen again…in your presence, say to yourself concerning this incident: ‘I release you from the hurt and pain you caused me’.
Say this to yourself every time that incident comes up in your thoughts. This may help you to forgive and heal. As long as you attach his identity to this incident, you will always relive that gut punch.
But if you release him from the pain of the incident, it should get easier to let it go and put the incident behind you. As long as it doesn’t happen again in your presence.