**Edited:**
**Thank you all your help. I’m deeply appreciative. All of your thoughts, experiences, and advice have been invaluable. I read and appreciated every single comment.**
**I won’t elaborate on what my approach will be, but it will come from a place of kindness and understanding.**
**Thanks again, and be well.**
27 comments
Once upon a time life was wonderful with my lady
Then her father died after a long battle with cancer. She saw it coming but it was still tough on her. Two months later, her sister is killed in a tragic accident – she never got to say goodbye.
In the span of 60 days 1/2 of her immediate family was gone. It was profoundly difficult for her, I did my best to provide support but I never dealt with grief and it was a challenge for me as well. I was overwhelmed and walking on eggshells
She was never the same after that. Our relationship slowly eroded and finally went down in a ball of flames as she eventually sought comfort in another man’s arms
I am sorry that I don’t have any advice. Perhaps you are associated with a tough time in her life and collateral damage as she seeks to reboot with people who weren’t around for that
It’s definitely not you – though it hurts all the same. Be kind to yourself… get strong & move on! Good luck
Honestly I think the loss of a loved one can genuinely have an effect on a person. With that being said, the fact that she went on a date with someone else and has told you that she wants to keep her options open would put her firmly in the “casually date” bucket for me. As in, keep YOUR options open and hang out with her when you feel like it, but I wouldn’t bank on her being a viable long term relationship option (for now).
Well..a death in the family or a close friend changes a lot of people. In reality she told you the most important thing when she said “she now wants to keep her options open”. If you are not open to casually dating this woman, ie both seeing/open to multi dating, then you should end it.
My ex lost his best friend unexpectedly. He had mental health struggles before but when that happened it was the end, he just wanted to run from his entire life and that was that. Grief can make you unintentionally selfish.
My last relationship her mother passed away while we were on vacation. Our relationship never recovered, but what I didn’t realize is that it wasn’t the passing of her mother that was the issue. In my instance the event shed light at what was missing most in our relationship, which was love. If you truly love someone it doesn’t matter how hurt they are, it should only build a foundation of trust not crumble it.
My advice would be to talk to a professional about it with her.
Six weeks is not a long relationship, and you never had an exclusivity talk or a DTR, sounds like. She just had a major life event and is dealing with grief. Sounds like her uncle function in a parental role for her life. That is an absolutely devastating loss, especially if unexpected. That type of thing takes a long time to grieve and different people handle grief differently. It can cause a lot of behavior changes and depression in the immediate aftermath. And it can come in waves. It’s not a great time to be making significant changes or decisions.
She asked for space and she said she likes you but still wants to see other people. Can you handle that? Will you be able to handle that her communication and pursuit of you may lessen for awhile, for a variety of reasons (including that it may be hard to initiate and put out a lot of affection when you are grieving).
If you are not in a place where you can handle that, then I would let her go. If you really want this to work and think you can handle that, not knowing where things may ultimately end up, then you can tell her that.
I would try in your head not to make this about you or read too much into this re: attachment styles or whatever. It’s not abnormal for something like this to really rock someone to the core. You haven’t known her for that long and it’s still relatively early stages. I know this sucks.
I think one has to accept that grief does not always emerge in ways we can totally understand.
She’s going through a lot of turmoil and you had only been dating 6 weeks when it happened. All of the t-shirts in my closet are older than this.
I see her behavior as neither here nor there. Is it disappointing? Yeah for sure and you’re allowed to feel that way.
But is it reasonable that after a monumental life change, being whacked out of her everyday life and back in her hometown for a while, etc means she might recognize she’s not yet in the right headspace to say “Yep I want to make things official”?
This is a good case for why someone might want to casually date if ever I heard one
This has very little to do with the uncle passing and much more to do with reconnecting with the old fling. How did they just happen to run into each other? Who reached out?
It’s totally reasonable that you don’t want to date someone who gets a wandering eye every time life gets difficult.
The fact that she said she couldnt communicate with you during those 2 weeks because she wanted to focus on family BUUUUTTTT had time to rekindle an old ‘friend’ is quite eye-opening to me.
I would honestly skip meeting her on Friday. She wanted space, and I get that when grieving. Then she goes on a date while she’s home? Okay… but to tell you that she’s being more picky would communicate to me that she doesn’t feel I’m “it” which is why she’s “being picky” to date more. Which is fine but unless you’re wanting causal, why keep going out? Personally, I would end things and wish her well.
She needed space during these difficult times but then reconnect with an ex.
After she reconnected with ex she no longer feels the same for you. This has nothing to do with uncles passing. But what it did do Is allow you to see that she can flake out at any point while leading you on. I would peace out before she strings you along on some emotional roller coaster while using her uncle as a scapegoat.
Whatever the precursor, she made her feelings clear. If you’re fine being a FWB, then stick around. If not, move on.
I do not mean to rehash what so many others have said, but you do have some things to consider:
The relationship hit a pivotal point, at the 6-8 week mark, people tend to evaluate whether they want to keep seeing someone.
This person has happened to have a HUGE loss during that time period.
Grief can truly affect someone. This is someone who is grieving someone important in her life. She does not have the same mind space to be dealing with someone she barely knows.
You barely know her. She barely knows you. If you had been dating for 6 months, her behavior might have been different in terms of your continuing to date while grieving.
It truly is not about YOU.
And, this will not be the last time in your life that you may have to deal with a relationship/friendship when there is a death within their family – or yours – it’s up to you to figure out how to respond/support/deal with that sort of situation.
Honestly, I think you may want to consider moving on. Maybe in a few months check back in with her, but in reality, this is probably going to be where you stand for the long term.
I just experienced the same thing. Lost a 6 year awesome marriage to it. She assured me it wasn’t Anything I did wrong. She just changed. I was amazing, awesome, wonderful, and perfect. She couldn’t explain it. (Just not good enough for her, I guess). It leveled me.
End things with her. She went back home because of the Uncle dying (fair enough) that had more of a father role, but had a date lined up?! *Really?* You deserve to feel hurt by such an action by her – despite your lack of exclusivity, that is perfectly reasonable. You gave her room to grieve, and during such moment instead of FaceTime with you or a phone call for some comfort or support, she either hooked up with an old friend (assuming she is telling the truth) or arranged a date with some random off Tinder (or similar app).
I am not judging her for doing so, but your place has been displaced. The death knell is her saying about being more picky. The concept of having had multiple dates with her is that you weren’t just some random guy out there because of limited options. You connected and grew, even if only for a relatively short period of time. Yet here we are, she is devaluing your worth, despite her coming on strong to begin with. Maybe back home there are more dating options, either way it is a shitty way of treating you.
You should go to her date and try to end things with her amicably. Don’t get dragged into any romance or sex. There is a significant chance that there is someone else in the frame – rather than friend could be a past lover or childhood sweetheart etc – and assuming she isn’t meeting you to end things face-2-face, she might be doing a litmus test to determine whether to give you another chance or to pursue this other person. If she has options, she will be very confident. Don’t hate her for this big life change, but unlike other people looking into the loss of a loved one, although valid in most circumstances, I think she just wanted her own change, it could be that she plans to move back permanently with family (assuming it is very far) and that means she is unlikely to want to continue dating you.
Time to find someone else, sorry dude. Been there before myself
Had this happen with a woman when her dog died… She ended things after two weeks… I knew it was coming, but when we talked about it later it was just that she wasn’t ready for something serious, and for the first time in her life she was confronted with someone whom she felt safe with, and that scared her, and so she bolted and decided to be rather self destructive for a bit (her words, not mine)… I think she regretted it, and if I hadn’t been in a good relationship now, she probably would have wanted to try again, but it’s kinda good to know that sometimes the “it’s not you, it’s me” is real. Sometimes people aren’t ready yet, and that’s OK… She is happy with a man right now, and said it’s only the second guy she has ever dated (she’s in her late 40’s) that she felt safe with. I’m very happy for her, and happy that we helped each other find out stuff about ourselves.
Coming from the other side – i lost my mother & my grandmother in a shortish amount of time – basically both parental figures. It changes a person for sure. You realize life is short and things that were important become small and you get perspective on the bigger picture. In your example here is a hypothetical scenario- I can imagine when she was super into you she was desperate to get into another relationship.that was what she saw made her happy and she didn’t like being single – it is not YOU she was obsessed with its being in a relationship with someone like you, the stability and comfort. When her uncle died she didn’t have a relationship to comfort her, this friend comforted her and she saw this provided her more comfort at the time. Now she is trying to go back to her pre-grief life but don’t expect her to just pop back to her old self. She has seen how little of a difference you actually make
My 3 year relationship took a serious hit when my dad passed unexpectedly just over a year ago. I definitely changed; these things change you.
I knew from that night on, that my life would never be the same, that I would never be the same, that every big moment in my life now will always have a touch of sadness. Some days are easier than others, some days I’m still a mess. I tried explaining that to my partner in terms he might understand; having never endured a serious loss, it was impossible for him to grasp but he knew. And we weathered it. Thankfully. It wasn’t easy though.
Had our relationship been newer, had I not picked the single most patient person on the planet for my partner, had we not been living together at the time, I don’t think we would have survived it.
Do you feel it’s worth sticking around and hoping she’ll see you there when the fog lifts?
I have a slightly different perspective on this than some.
You experienced love bombing. The coming on strong, soon, without knowing you well. The way it felt uncomfortable, but it quickly wore away your defenses, opening you up to vulnerability. You attached. I would bet anything she’s a love bomber.
She was likely riding that lovebomb high and enjoying herself when her loved one passed. Grief and tragedy is a sobering event that will shoot you right out of the sky. Once she came down from the high, the fun was over. She’s now dealing in reality and retreating to her truest self to deal with these life-altering changes.
I think this awful event ushered in something that would have likely happened anyway, albeit more slowly. The high would have faded and things would change between you. I’m not a fortune teller, but I’d wager money on it. Really I would. I’d cut your losses and accept that who she is now is what reality is. The lovebomb was never going to last, and this is how she truly feels about you when the excitement clears.
I’m not great at letting people in. I’ve done therapy and made a lot of progress, but my childhood did not have a lot of emotional support. Letting my mom know when I was upset was like blood in shark-infested waters, so my baseline instinct is always going to be to hide my grief and anger and hurt and lick my wounds alone. When I’m emotionally exhausted it’s a million times harder to push out of my comfort zone, even with people who have previously seen me through some serious shit.
I don’t know if she’s like me, but people aren’t generally raised by their uncle without some kind of childhood trauma or disruption. You dated her for six weeks, non exclusively. I think your sense of what you seem to feel you are owed is entirely unfair. You never had a talk about exclusivity, and familiarity is extremely comforting when you’re grieving (I had a psychiatrist who told me that it’s very common for exes to hook up after funerals).
You have *every* right to pass on what she’s offering if you don’t want casual, but your post reads to me like you feel hard done by, not just disappointed, and if that’s accurate I think it displays a real lack of empathy.
I can try and explain my experience with this, from her side. But, I am not taking sides at all, I just want to explain what happened to me. I had this absolute perfect upbringing, no divorce, no trauma. While I was away at college, my Dad took a job in abroad, he had taken early retirement from a previous job and an old partner of his asked him if he wanted to do a three-year contract there. My mom decided to stay at home to help my brothers with their grandkids. It was great we would all go down and visit. Fast-forward the three year mark came. He bought his tickets to retire and fly home and died of a massive heart attack that morning. It took us two weeks to get him home. It tore my world apart, I was a shell of a person, thank God I didn’t have kids then. It was a jar to my relationship, we weren’t married yet, but we survived and went on to get married and have kids. Fast forward some years, we were both successful, raising 2 kids, him being gone a lot, my career took a back seat, so I stayed home and wasn’t too happy about it. I had lost me. Then going home to visit my Mom for a weekend one Christmas, she said she had a blocked gal bladder duct, needed a small procedure with a scope. My brothers and I along with my husband at the time met her there where she was in recovery. They called us back into a room, that she wasn’t in and they told us it was an inoperable pancreatic tumor. I remember, it was December 15, 2009. We had to drive her home and be there with her and tell her. It rocked my world worse than the situation with my Father. I started questioning everything. If life was going to be so short everything has to be meaningful. I was raised in a family where life experiences were more important than “things.” My ex was the complete opposite and monetarily driven. I went to a therapist. I wanted out of my marriage but wanted to make sure I wasn’t doing it for the wrong reasons. The therapist concurred that I was in the right mind. My Mom fought hard, but in the end my divorce was final the month she died. Her death and finality of losing both parents changed me. I felt and still feel so odd, like an orphan sort of. It is so sad. But, in a way of her getting that fatal prognosis made me see a door to a place I never knew even existed to a better place for me. My kids were young, they acclimated well, they were used to so much time alone with me because of his travel job, he has been remarried for years, we all get along marvelously. I know this may be long and winded, but I am just wanting everyone to know that grief is so hard and it can change the core beliefs and directions in our lives. People grieve differently, myself I feel like being alone. It created an independence and strength I never knew or thought I could attain. And when you find the right person, they will understand all of it and embrace it. I think you should give her some time and space, be there as a friend, don’t put your life on hold and just go with the flow. I enjoy deep meaningful relationships so much more now. I don’t fear depth, I fear shallow living more. Hope this helps!
My grandmother’s death and my spending two weeks cleaning out her apartment changed me completely. I read all her beautiful love letters between her and my grandfather and it was the catalyst for me realizing I was in the wrong relationship. A few months later I left my husband, quit my job, found a better job, and went on my own path. Losing someone changes you. In my case, for the better.
Sorry to be that guy but I’d call it, especially if she’s looking into other options I wouldn’t hold out hope, or want her back. Stuff like that is a schism or a bond. Make or break. I had a really awesome relationship end because we basically both got sick and his life suddenly had a lot of personal issues happen. He couldn’t cope and ghosted. I wish it had ended more respectfully but the truth is I was very glad to know where I stood in his priorities. I think your question has already been answered. Sorry, wish you all the best.
Perhaps the passing of her uncle has brought up some thoughts that are conflicting with her emotions, such as life being shorter than we realize…or maybe there’s something about a relationship her uncle had that is making her second guess exactly what kind of romantic relationship she wants right now. Death does strange things to people, because everyone processes and handles grief differently.
It sounds like you’ve been very respectful of her wishes, but I think you also need to do what feels best for you. Don’t allow yourself to get more invested if it’s clear she’s not on the same page anymore. I know it hurts, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Grief changes a person substantially. I lost my close friend a decade ago and I have never felt the same.
My father died three years ago today. I met my now wife in 5 days three years ago so right after. Then four weeks after that, I had another death. You will do and say some weird things when you’re grieving. One method of protection is pushing people away and making sure you can’t take another loss like what you just suffered.
That sounds like what she’s doing. Luckily, my wife didn’t quit on me. I didn’t try to break up with her or anything, I just was angrier and more nihilistic than I usually am. And the grief hit me in all sorts of different ways.