**Update: Click on the links for each lesson to go to an in-depth post for each lesson!**

**0.** If you want to be charming even when you feel nervous, [This video will give you 5 tips you can start using today](https://youtu.be/331eiJKvKIc)

**0a.** If you need help being more social, [this video will give you some easy-to-use tips to get started quickly.](https://youtu.be/36KBRquqUAA)

**1.** [Dialing up your energy a bit (+10%) when you’re being social makes it easier to have a good time.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dnvkdc/today_i_turn_33_here_are_33_lessons_ive_learned/)

**2.** [Being curious will help you be interested in other people.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dnvkdc/today_i_turn_33_here_are_33_lessons_ive_learned/)

**3.** [No one can mind-read. They have no clue what you’re thinking. You have no idea what they are thinking.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dnvkdc/today_i_turn_33_here_are_33_lessons_ive_learned/)

**4.** [The spotlight effect is real. We all tend to overestimate the amount that other people notice and observe us.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dqkyst/33_lessons_ive_learned_about_being_better_with/)

**5.** [It’s possible to view the same event 2 different ways. Ex: You say “Hi”. They brush past you instead of saying “Hi”. Negative view: “They must be mad at me.” Positive view: “They must be preoccupied, they probably didn’t hear me.”](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dqkyst/33_lessons_ive_learned_about_being_better_with/)

**6.** [First Impressions start BEFORE you open your mouth. Seeming approachable is key…](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dqkyst/33_lessons_ive_learned_about_being_better_with/)

**7.** [Master the “Resting happy face” = Have a slight smile on your face when you’re out at an event. Studies have shown smiling makes you happier. Which will lead to better interactions.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dqkyst/33_lessons_ive_learned_about_being_better_with/)

**8.** [No need to overthink eye contact. Make eye contact for a few seconds, glance away, rinse and repeat.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dtxo26/33_lessons_8_how_to_make_eye_contact_much_easier/)

**9.** [Small talk is necessary. It helps you move from lighter topics to deeper topics so that you can build rapport.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dtxo26/33_lessons_8_how_to_make_eye_contact_much_easier/)

**10.** [During small talk, avoid the “Interrogation trap”. Balance questions with observations.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/ccu6zf/3_tips_how_to_have_deeper_conversations_with/) (Great chance to give a meaningful compliment)

**11.** [Keep a running list of social wins.** When you have a great interaction, make people laugh with a joke, etc. Write it down! Next time you’re feeling unsure, Look over your list to remind yourself that you have been successful in the past.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dx8d03/33_lessons_11_keep_a_list_of_social_wins_to/?)

**12.** [Try not to interrupt. If you accidentally interrupt, say “You were saying…” and bring up the last thing they said to get them back on track.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/c7190i/try_not_to_interrupt_people_but_if_you_slip_up_do/) (This shows that you were listening…you WERE listening, right?)

**13.** [Listening is SO key. Listen and try to come up with observations and questions that show that you are 100% engaged.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/dx8d03/33_lessons_11_keep_a_list_of_social_wins_to/?)

**14.** [Don’t stop listening when you come up with something to say. (I call this the “spring loaded response trap”) Be okay with letting go of what you were going to say…there’s always something else to say.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/e0kua7/33_lessons_14_avoiding_the_springloaded_response/?)

**15.** [If you notice that the other person is mirroring your body language, that’s a great sign! This means that you two are in rapport and connecting.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/e0kua7/33_lessons_14_avoiding_the_springloaded_response/?) (You can trigger this by mirroring them a little first)

**16.** [If you remember something cringey you did in the past. Try the 3 Fs: Flush, Fix, Forget. Flush: Take a breath and get some emotional distance from that memory. Fix: Is there anything you can change for next time? If so, make a note. Forget: Give yourself permission to forget it](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/e0kua7/33_lessons_14_avoiding_the_springloaded_response/?)

**17.** [Body Language: In most cases, people could take up more space, gesture more with their hands and stop fidgeting. These signal to others that you’re comfortable with yourself.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/e7wnkt/how_to_be_more_interesting_have_better_body/) (Which helps them feel comfortable too)

**18.** [How to be interesting. Develop a wide range of interests. Know a little about a lot.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/byb61v/2_tips_you_can_use_to_have_better_more/) This will make a wide range of topics and conversations 10x easier.

**19.** [Be bold. Don’t wait for people to come to you. Approach people first. Introduce yourself first. Own the interaction.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/eamylo/33_lessons_3_tips_to_be_socially_bold_dont_wait/)

**20.** [The more comfortable you can make yourself, the more comfortable you can make others.](https://www.reddit.com/r/advancedsocialskills/comments/er3pb1/the_more_comfortable_you_can_make_yourself_the/?) (Important to balance with getting out of your comfort zone and growing as a person though)

**21.** [Prep a quick summary/story from your weekend. People will ask, have something ready.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/ee5lt8/33_lessons_prep_a_quick_summarystory_from_your/)

**22.** [Saying “No” and crafting boundaries is important. People will treat you however you let them. Hard to know if people are stepping over boundaries if you aren’t sure what those boundaries are.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/etrm5n/33_lessons_saying_no_and_crafting_boundaries_is/)

**23.** [Saying “Yes” is important too. Not “Yes” to things you don’t want to do, but yes to new and exciting experiences and opportunities.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/etrm5n/33_lessons_saying_no_and_crafting_boundaries_is/)

**24.** [Having hobbies and things you’re excited about in life makes having interesting things to say easier. Don’t have a hobby? Try a local class in your city once and see if you like it. Do this every month.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/f8cmra/33_lessons_having_hobbies_and_things_youre/) (Bonus: You’ll meet new people)

**25.** [If they don’t message you back. It’s better to assume the best than the worst. Maybe they’re not interested…or maybe they’re just busy. Which narrative serves you best?](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/fbel1f/33_lessons_if_they_dont_message_you_back_its/) (Re-read #3 and #5)

**26.** [If you’re already technically skilled, being able to connect with people will set you apart from similar people in your career.](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/i2exgm/33_lessons_26_if_youre_already_technically/)

**27.** If you’re arguing, you’ve already lost. If you take the time to stop and try to understand the other person’s perspective as best you can first, you might be able to avoid the argument completely.

**28.** It’s better to have a hard conversation sooner rather than later. Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements.

**29.** Confidence comes from competence. Everyone has at least one thing that they are good at. Remembering that one thing before being social can make you feel more confident in the moment.

**30.** Breath is fuel. Breathe in fully before you talk. You’ll be louder, people will take notice. I had a terrible stutter from age 6-19. This helped me overcome it. (You mileage may vary)

**31.** “Be yourself” is misguided advice. Improve and be your best self. Working on your people skills does not make you fake.

**32.** Be aware of people in your life who make toxic or cutting remarks as you improve. “I liked the old you…” They likely aren’t right for you.

**33.** Life is fluid and flexible. If you start acting more confident, the world will accept that new version of you. Over time, that becomes your new normal.

**Bonus Tip: Learn to enjoy group conversations.**

I get asked about having better group conversations. [I created an audio guide on joining & enjoying group conversations you might check out.](https://www.becomemorecompelling.com/uggc-audio.html)

In the audio guide you’ll learn:

-How to systematically destroy the fear of approaching people and starting conversations.

-The +10% energy rule: How to be accepted into a new group and never accidentally kill the vibe

-How to jump into a conversation that has no opening

-And more (word-for-word scripts, body language while joining a group, etc)

[Enjoy!](https://www.becomemorecompelling.com/uggc-audio.html)

48 comments

  4. I’m always working on #5. I’m not an optimistic guy but i always try to see things from other perspective.

    Thank you!

  5. Thanks 🙂 I really like 24. I go to yoga classes all the time but haven’t really socialized with many people yet. Time to try a class I’ve never done before!

  10. I’ve caught myself on #14 quite a bit. I’m afraid if I don’t hang onto that comment I’m going to run into an awkward silence.

  12. I really liked your tips. I must say, 19 can be scary as hell but that’s the point xD. And, i’ve got a lot of problems with listening to people, in the way that after any interaction and I think about it it’s like ”darn, I should have ask him for this or for that, that he told me the other day”. And… My biggest problem is the 30, I have that terrible stutter (well, maybe not that bad, but still noticeable). I will be making an effort to denote these tips, thank you very much. Oh yeah, one particular question about ”the resting happy face”, do you mean that it would be fine to put on my face a slight smile in most of social contexts, like idk college? would that be ok?

  13. Great advice. Especially agree with 5 and 20. Have learnt #5 myself over time as it does start to feel weird and awkward when you keep asking questions. Responding to their answer with your own experiences helps the conversation.

    In regard to 20, I found I did a lot better after having a few drinks. It allowed me to let my guard down. I’ve tried not to rely on this, so I’ve done my best to translate how open and comfortable I feel then into every day life.

    I think an important part of it is practice. Just like every other skill, it takes time, experience and effort to get better at it.

    Edit: #20, not #15

  17. Can confirm many of these. I used to be socially incompetent and would straight up walk away from groups if nobody was talking to me. Basically victimizing myself, which is never a good idea, and probably tainted many relationships with people by doing that. It’s all about your choices. If you choose to never fix yourself and take that extra step to do so, you will always feel like a social outcast, making it a vicious cycle of shit

  22. Saved! All of them are great tips. I especially like number 11 about keeping a list of social wins. I’m going to start doing that.

  26. I really appreciate you posting this and I’m going to try to apply a few of these notions. Thank you for the inspiration.

  27. I absolutely love this. Beautifully written and very insightful. I definitely had to stop and think about a few of these and how I can better implement them in my life or with my relationship with others. I was in a funk earlier this afternoon this definitely helped 😊

  31. I turned 34 today! Happy birthday to you!

    I loved all your tips. If I could add one more, it would be to value your own time & let things grow organically, friendships and relationships. Be genuine & then let them flow as they will.

  32. Thanks a lot of this. I’m a bit less than 20 and I wish someone said these to me earlier, still never too late. Will definitely try to be a better version of myself from this day. Happy birthday btw.
    Also #27 is so relatable XD. Some people are so hard to argue with and I just stop after a point when I realise it’s completely pointless. Though I feel sad for them since they might feel ignored so I try to reconcile and act as if I agree with them.

  33. > ^14. Don’t stop listening when you come up with something to say. (I call this the “spring loaded response trap”) Be okay with letting go of what you were going to say…there’s always something else to say.

    I have this one friend that never let’s you give any input, just talks and talks with no room to slip a response or opinion. One time we were chatting over discord, and he goes on this long tirade of his. I let go of one thing I wanted to say, and another, and another. Time goes and eventually I get so pissed at him for not letting me into this “conversation” (that already feels more like a lecture), I just turn my mic off, take off headphones, and go around my business. My plan was for him to notice eventually that he talks at nothing, and not **to** me, and maybe realize he does something wrong. I return 20 minutes later AND HE DIDN’T NOTICE. He just keeps talking.

  34. Happy belated birthday and I really appreciated these tips! As I read some of them I thought “well duh” like it’s common sense but than I look back and realize I tend to fail in accomplishing half these goals. It makes such a difference seeing them written down in order. So thanks for saving the lives of the socially crippled.

  35. Can this be pinned? Can you pin multiple items? Please add this link to the sidebar or something…PUH-LEASE

  38. Happy birthday and thank you! Number 5 is probably one the most important lessons here. My god, my life has gotten significantly better since I’ve begun viewing things with a more positive mindset and patient attitude. I don’t really know what got me to start doing it, but it just makes day to day life so much more enjoyable and peaceful. The only thing that I don’t like is that it bothers me when other people can’t relax and think glass half-full haha.

  39. I liked this so much I’ve already started to refer to this as “Jeff’s 33 laws of unspoken communications” in my head. Lol

  40. This is by far the best post I have ever read on Reddit. Thanks for posting!

    I especially like the point about keeping a list of social successes. I feel like that’s a game changer.

    Side note – if I follow all these tips and I still find myself not getting on as well with others as other people may be, shall I just assume that it’s not the right group for me? 🙂

  41. Basically, I was terminated from my job not too long ago and shortly after that I went through a small stage of depression. I’d stay home all day and was basically sedentary for at least about a month. Needless to say, that is very unlike me. I’m usually the type to always go out and be active which leads me to where I am in life now. Still unemployed, but each day i’m regaining that confidence level I once had by being more active whether that means working out one day and then jogging the next or even going out to play basketball once in a while. Also meditation has been huge for me and i’d say i’m headed on pretty positive trajectory. Thanks for listening to my little story xD

  43. This would be an amazing video on YouTube and you could potentially reach more people with these valuable information. Very lengthy for one part video but you cut it down to 3-5 parts it would be awesome… And perhaps a new found hobby.

  44. Jeff, thanks for the share. Great advice. These tips focus on avoiding conflict; would you have a resource for how to handle negative situations?

    Someone is being obnoxious in a group, or stepped over your boundary and shrugs off your annoyance, or a housemate refuses to do chores: these are just some examples of what I mean by negative situations.

    Thanks in advance. With your great tips I’m interested in what you have to say.

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