Hello! So I’ve had social anxiety for a long time now and I’m trying to work on it, but I’m having a hard time with even the smallest things. I think one of the reasons I have so much difficulty in connecting with people is that I come across as aloof or standoffish.
I never realized I was like this until I had my first job. I did all my training with this one manager, and I always thought I was being polite and kind. Several weeks later, I come in and she says something like “Hey do you hate me?” I was super confused but it’s not like she was trying to confront me or anything. It was like she was genuinely afraid that I hated her. Of course I told her I didn’t, and she said, “Oh good! I always thought you did, but I was talking to your cousin (he worked there too) and he said you’re just not that outgoing at first.” We just laughed, but at that point I realized that one of the reasons I’m probably not very close with anyone is that it probably seems to them like I don’t want to be.
My problem is, I have an extremely hard time with any kind of vulnerability around new people. And to me, that includes simply looking at them or smiling at them. In my head I think, “what if they think I’m staring” or “what if they think I’m a creep” or “what if I look weird/stupid.” With that being so tough, you can imagine how it would be hard to get close to me. I don’t do this around my family because I know them well and I’m comfortable with them, but unfortunately, they’re the only ones.
I could really use some advice in getting over this fear. It sucks because I already face so much anxiety in just trying to meet people and then when it doesn’t seem to pan out because I appear so cold towards them, it makes it feel impossible.
I need your help, social butterflies!
1 comment
social anxiety, fear — I think you’d profit from reducing your anxiety.
This worked well for me:
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**anxiety prevention tip:**
I think you’d likely benefit from practising ‘quiet times’ of 20-30 minutes of just sitting and Not dwelling on anything (a form of meditation). Very difficult at first (I needed to watch a DVD of nature scenes / a fireplace as an anchor/distraction to keep my mind from wandering). youtube has lots of fireplace videos. Others intone ‘mantras’ or focus on breathing.
There are several benefits: better sleep, easier days (upsets do not hit nearly as hard), and I think that likely after practising “not dwelling” on anything, you’ll have better control of your thoughts and acquire the ability to ‘turn off’ your anxiety reaction to situations.
At first doing this daily should work best. After awhile, only as needed. I’ve been doing this for about two decades and lately have only felt an urge to do it a half dozen days of the year.
A useful lesser calming practice is to do housework routines for say five minutes at a slower (70-80% rate) pace — a form of ‘walking meditation’, which you may find similarly soul refreshing.