(M24). My girlfriend (22) has been hanging out with her guy best friend recently alone. She’ll drive 40 minutes to go to his house. She said they smoke bud, watch movies or go out to eat. He drove the 40 today to drive to her place. Hanging out just them 2. It’s pretty much the exact stuff we do when we kick it. I’m probably a bit jealous and protective I will admit. I just don’t want to get burned. I’ve had a girl before tell me “oh he’s just a friend”
She’s open with me when she’s seen him and does text me while she’s there. She hasn’t given me a reason to not trust her but I still don’t like it. She said they’ve been best friends since middle school and have never dated or done anything sexual.
I’m not saying they can’t be friends with each other but it’s not sitting well with me all the alone time. She told me yesterday she was going to see him. I told her I felt weird about it but to do what she wants to. I asked her how she would feel if that roles were reversed and she thought it would be weird too.
I’m not sure how to handle this situation. I don’t want to be controlling but I don’t want to be in these shoes always wondering if they’re going to spark something or not.
15 comments
They’re friends. If you trust her to set boundaries, you should be fine. I’d continue to be open about how you’re feeling but also reminding yourself that if these guys wanted to hook up and date, they probably would have already.
If she doesn’t know about your past history with that one girl, I’d open up about it so you’re GF is at least aware of where your worry is coming from.
It’s not like you can force her not to cheat if you try, and if you want a relationship that lasts, you have to trust your partner. If they cheat, it’s nothing you could’ve prevented, they’re that type of person in that case.
Though if you’re untrusting or insecure about it, that’s more likely to cause problems than anything else.
Think of it this way right, what if she’s using the guy to get freed weed and food? Maybe that can ease that feeling you have right now?
From my (31m) experience, a heterosexual man and woman are very seldom just friends. I used to have the opposite perspective I do now, but as I’ve gotten older I think I’ve just become less naive. I was with a woman from when I was 20-27 and she had several ‘just friend’ guys who in the end ended up expressing their feelings for her. Are there exceptions?? Absolutely. And your case very well may be a rare exception. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that it’s very uncommon for a straight guy and a straight woman to hang out one on one where both people truly feel deep down that it’s strictly platonic.
They are friends, they were friends long before you showed up, and they will probably continue to be friends into the future. If she wanted to be more than friends with him, there is a *really* good chance that would have happened before you came along. Friends hang out one on one, if your insecurities can’t handle it, then you need to move on.
Right cuz you drive 40 min to hang out with a girl 1 on 1 you are not fucking?
It sounds like she’s his girlfriend and you are the side dik. I would ask her to be honest about their relationship and let her know that the time for childhood BS is over. Let her know that time with that guy is interfering with your relationship. That you would feel more comfortable if she would limit her time with him and that she should respect your position as her boyfriend.
Do you trust her?- if you do this should be a non issue. If you don’t, is there an underlying reason why you think that is?
Have you met the guy? Hung out with him? Is there something off about him you don’t like? Do they interact strange together in front of you?
Does she ever ask you to hang out with the two of them?
If this situation is making you uncomfortable then this may not be the relationship for you.
You have been there and done this once before and got burnt so I guess you have to ask yourself if she is really worth it to get burnt again?
But in all seriousness if you are not happy with the way things are because of how close she is to her guy best friend and given your history, it’s time to move on and hopefully the next girl won’t have a guy BFF always in the background.
Edit: Given the other issues you have around this, her HSV status and the fact that this seems to have been bothering you for a little while now (well for most of the time you have been with her), I can definitely say that you really seem to be trying to talk yourself into staying in this relationship when your gut is screaming at you to get out.
Relationships should not be this hard and seeing as you have only 2 months of this so far and your alarm bells are going off like crazy, it’s time to move on.
Don’t be too down on yourself if you decide to breakup. Dating is that period where you find out about each other, what the boundaries are and who they are as a person. It is NOT the be all and end all and there is nothing permanent about it until you start talking rings and kids.
You tried, gave it your best shot but in the end it’s just really not worth it to keep persisting with it. When you do break up with her just do the old “it’s not you it’s me” line and move on.
Why would it be an issue if you trust her?
She admits it weird but does it anyway.
I mean, why take a chance? Is she worth that?
It’s always the guy that you aren’t supposed to worry about
I’m a guy with a girl best friend and my ex was crazy jealous about it. It gets tiring to constantly have to explain it over and over when I never did anything to not be trusted, so don’t be that guy.
I think her not trying to get the three of you to hangout together is sketchy, but maybe you should bring this up. Not in an accusatory way but like “X is important to you and it seems like we’d get along, why don’t the three of us get drinks/dinner/etc. sometime I wanna meet him”. From there, if she says no then huge red flag. If she acts flustered and nervous then also red flag.
For an example of how this COULD be going, a few weeks ago me and my best friend got dinner and drinks and went to see a comedian we both like. She told me all about how much fun the vacation she went on with his family was, and kept saying how I need to go golfing with him soon and meet him and we’ll be great friends, etc. and she asks 100 questions about my dating life and tells me to go talk to every pretty girl wherever we are. Nothing bad happening, platonic, what have you.
To be fair though it would be naive to believe every guy has great intentions with girls they’re friends with. But I just wanted to offer the other perspective as the best friend. Also if I was seeing a girl with a guy best friend best believe I’d be meeting him ASAP lmao
> I told her I felt weird about it but to do what she wants to. I asked her how she would feel if that roles were reversed and she thought it would be weird too.
Lol, okay so she actually admits she’d also have a problem if you did what she’s doing. Yet she’s not stopping. And frankly, you shouldn’t have said to do what she wants anyway, when you’re still uncomfortable with it. She’ll think you have no problems with it.
> I’m not sure how to handle this situation.
This is just a 2 month relationship. You don’t have to force yourself to be comfortable with questionable situations mate. It’s okay to break up and find a better partner.
> I don’t want to be controlling but I don’t want to be in these shoes always wondering if they’re going to spark something or not.
She herself basically admits her own behavior is questionable, so there’s nothing to wonder. You don’t have to tell her to cut it out, but you can break up and find a better partner.
Next time, just be honest with them if you’re uncomfortable with anything. Hiding your feelings because you fear coming off as “controlling” or “insecure” is ridiculous. Some people absolutely love gaslighting the inexperienced (like you) with such nonsense. But that’s not what you’d be doing. What you’d be doing is having an honest & open communication of your feelings – which is absolutely healthy.