Married couple in 30s. Been married for nearly 16 years. I have always been the sexual partner, at one point begging everyday for sex, just to get it 1/week or sometimes 1x every 2 weeks. At one point while pregnant he refused sex for 6-7 months. He’s always been in control of our sex life, obviously I’m not going to rape him. I will have sex whenever he wants, whether I’m in the mood or not, it was my way to encourage his sexuality. Recently (last 2-3 years) has been a lot better, more sex (2-3x a week) but vanilla. I could predict every movement. He even said he wasn’t that into lingerie, it was more for my mental excitement. At one point I got all dressed up, makeup/hair/sexy maid outfit with fishnets and heels.. and I opened the door to our bedroom trying to look sexy and seduce him. I imagined he would turn the tv off immediately and run in, as I rarely go all in with the outfits.. but instead he looked up from the video games and laughed at me.. let’s just say mood ruined, feelings hurt, and sweats came on. Now within the last year he’s started to deep dive on his mental health with researching and talking to pros. He had rough childhood to put it mildly. Plus cult affiliation (both were in.. came out together). He said he feels like guilt made him not want sex as much.. I’m proud of him and happy for him.. now he’s swung all the way to the other end of spectrum.. i looooove his new sex drive.. we can sometimes do it 2-3 times a day (not everyday). I’ve always thought of myself as sexually free, open to anything, try anyway once type.. always thought I could separate sex and love, and thought I’d be down to just experience pleasure. Well he called my bluff (even if I didn’t realize it was a bluff). He wasn’t to explore everything.. bucket list stuff.. escort, three ways, even gave me a hall pass. He’s ultimate wish is for me to be turned on in a bisexual way to women and have 3 ways on a occasional basis. He wanted me involved in the escort as well. He can’t stop looking at all the sexy women on every platform (socials/porn/strip clubs). Made it clear that was him and not going to change.
Honestly I feel hurt, not special, not good enough, and unfortunately turned off. (Never thought I’d feel this way about sexuality) I don’t want a hall pass. Sleeping with other men is not appealing to me.
I really want to figure out a way to be into all this.. so I don’t feel cheated on constantly, even if he’s not done anything with anyone yet, just looking at naked women constantly hurts right now— it never bothered me before if he looked at porn except if he turned me down for sex only to masturbate.. then I was highly irritated cuz I was horny lol.
How does one become turned on by sexual experimentation? Can I change my very hetero mind towards bisexuality? I want to be free..
Side note— part of issues are that I’m deeply afraid of catching stds… my phobia…
Is there any hope for me?
Thanks if you read all this
2 comments
He’s obviously got a small sex drive compared to you. It’s becoming more and more common for woman to have larger sex drives than men.
The issue is bad porn addictions causes men to have poor sex drives and poor performance. He’s more attracted to pornstars that to you.
The question is would you cheat if there was no such thing as STD’s?
Sounds like he went from one extreme to another which can be a problem in itself.
Is he still in therapy? Discussing these newfound interests with his therapist?
It might be a good idea for you to talk with a therapist too, if you’re not.
>I really want to figure out a way to be into all this.. so I don’t feel cheated on constantly,
You need to tell him to *slow* down.
Even if you are open to exploring non-monogamy, the two of you need to move at *your* pace. You need to talk about baby steps. Small, relatively non-threatening things you can do together that may hit some of these points of arousal but without completely upending your relationship (or forcing yourself to fit into a shape that does not work for you).
And it could be a good idea to find a couples therapist at some point.
> Can I change my very hetero mind towards bisexuality?
If you’re not interested in fucking women, you’re not interested in fucking women. Some people have this idea that *all* women are bisexual and it’s bullshit.