I (39f) started seeing my friends (34f) ex boyfriend (34m). They broke up 3 years ago, she now lives with new boyfriend. She is VERY upset and betrayed by this. I understand that for sure but I also feel like I deserve to be loved and happy as well. I wish it wasn’t him, but it is. How much of an A-hole am i?
They were together for a little over a year and broke up 3 years ago. It was a tough break up for her, but for him also. She now lives with her new boyfriend and has for 2.5 years – and has stayed friendly with the ex.
We have all been friends and in the same circle. He and I have been close friends and I met him before they dated. We naturally got closer and developed feelings in the past 4 months. We are both very happy for the first time after years of being alone. I told her about this after we had been hooking up for 2 weeks.
The friendship is looking like it will never be the same, and I’m stuck between “What have I done, I am awful and should just end it” and “Why can’t she consider how we are happy together, I want to be in love too”
Be selfish and lose a friend? Or sacrifice a great relationship that feels very right to make her happy enough to stay friends?
28 comments
You can’t go back in time. You already betrayed her, dumping him now won’t undo that.
At this point, your friendship may never be the same anyway, even if you break up.
Out of everyone in the world, I wouldn’t personally have chosen a friend’s ex without discussing it, but it’s done, so you may as well try to have a talk with her and move forward with the relationship.
Honestly? Your friend is either going to get over it or not and at this point I don’t think that depends on whether you continue seeing this person or not. I can definitely understand the betrayal; but I don’t believe people get dibs over other people so; it’s complicated and likely to stay that way.
If you are into this person, being happy together is probably best. Good luck!
If somehow you knew beforehand she’d be upset about you two being together, would you have still gone for it?
I say this all the time: No one owns “dating rights” over anyone. If your friend is upset by this and wants to end the friendship then let her, she isn’t the type of person you should want to be friends with anyways.
>I (39f) started seeing my friends (34f) ex boyfriend (34m). They broke up 3 years ago, she now lives with new boyfriend. She is VERY upset and betrayed by this. I understand that for sure but I also feel like I deserve to be loved and happy as well. I wish it wasn’t him, but it is. How much of an A-hole am i?
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>Be selfish and lose a friend?
Well, you already lost your friend, so enjoy your new boyfriend.
It’s a tough situation. You can’t control who you’re into, he feels the same so you should go for it, but you can’t expect your friend to be ok with it. Sadly you’ll have to lose the friend to have the boyfriend.
You can’t go back in time, but it would’ve been best if you’d told your friend there was interest between you and her ex before you started “hooking up” with him.
It may help now to acknowledge to her that you should’ve done that. Otherwise, there’s not much else to do. I don’t think blaming and shaming people resolves anything. So her being wrong for getting upset or you being wrong for not telling her sooner – let it go. Enjoy your new relationship and let her be. She’ll get over it or not.
This is new to your friend. Give it some time. Perhaps she’ll come around. I certainly wouldn’t nuke this budding relationship because of her reaction, though.
Personally, I don’t think you are an asshole at all. She has moved on. If this happened like right after they broke up, yeah I’d find it questionable. But they broke up 3 years ago and she is LIVING with someone else. On top of it, you knew him before she dated. She is just being petty.
I question if this is a friendship that is worth trying to salvage.
I think this friendship is probably permanently damaged regardless… but in general, past a certain grace period and excluding cases of abusive relationships, I think it’s unfair to maintain any sort of eternal dibs on your exes, *especially* if you have a new long-term partner.
I mean, this woman moved on to someone else within six months, and still thinks she has a claim on her ex *three years later*? I don’t think it’s selfish to call shenanigans here.
I was on the receiving end of this and yes, it won’t be the same. In fact, I’d say you’re not friends anymore and you made your choice. The only reason I even remain cordial with my ex-best friend is because I have assets to deal with my ex-GF. Whenever that is handled, communication will be severed.
There are plenty of people in the world to date or fuck and very few people I could ever consider a friend. To each their own, some people view things differently but I would never complicate or endanger a friendship unless I knew it was something I’d risk it all for.
Hi OP. I’ve seen this play out in two different situations.
My best friend of 14 years started dating an ex (we had dated 1.5 years) of mine 4 years ago.
One of my friends now (let’s call her S) is dating a guy who dated one of her close high school friends back in high school/early college years.
In my situation, my best friend was shady about it, even when I asked her if there was something going on with her and him she said no. It was thrown in my face one night, no warning from them or any of my friends (because, like you, we were all in the same circle).
S told her friend that she’s been seeing said guy frequently, even though they were strictly friends and nothing sexual or romantic had happened. She told her friend it seemed like it was heading in that direction and wanted to be upfront with her about everything. She wanted to tell her because they had been seen together at a few bars, and didn’t want rumors spreading. (Again, similar and overlapping friend circles).
I have not spoken to my friend, ex, or anyone in that group for years, not only because, like your friend, I felt betrayed, but also disrespected and blatantly lied too. I do not know if they all hang out anymore, because at this point spouses, kids, and location changes have happened from what I see on social media.
S though? Everyone is cohesive, even if it’s still a bit weird for some people in that group (funnily enough neither the ex gf or her husband).
I don’t know how you broke the news to your friend. If it’s anything like how I went through, I don’t think you’re going to ever see that friendship again.
If you did it like my friend S, well, it may be an adjustment period for your friend, and the chance of losing your friendship is still there, but that would be on her and not on you, since there was total transparency.
Overall, the damage has been done, and I think you chose yourself, your boyfriend, and your happiness over your friend’s. It’s not an asshole move, it’s just what you prioritized.
Well, it’s not “selfish” to have a man that you care for in your life. It’s just kind of…unfortunate. You probably DO have to choose your friend or this man. You may need to choose the man. Be as kind and as tactful to your friend as possible. But you have my permission to choose the man. Sometimes these things happen.
Really sucks for both of you as I am sure she feels bad as to why she has reacted so strongly but we can’t control our emotions and I know if a BF dated my significant ex (and this is important as I literally couldn’t careless if they dated any of my other ex’s ) but anyone dating my significant ex is completely incompatible with being my friend or even really being in my life at all. It’s been years I have no desire to get back with them at all. But even so if someone was to go there I would make it clear we wouldn’t be friends, I would never try and prevent it or be mean to them, but I’ll just excuse myself from that friendship as a form of self preservation. So unfortunately your friend seems to have made that choice, as you made yours. You both have to live with that, friendships ebb and flow and yours has run its course. Try not to let this affect your current budding relationship as everyone deserves happiness xx
My loyalty lies with my friend, partners have come and gone over the years but our friendship has stood the test of time. Some people may think differently, but growing up I was told you’re lucky to have one true friend in your lifetime. I’d really think about the cost versus benefit analysis here, do you see yourself with this guy for the long haul or just a season? I know the warm and fuzzies feel nice, but there are a lot of single men out there who aren’t your best friends ex-boyfriend.
I personally would never date any of my friends’ ex-boyfriends, and I wouldn’t want any of my friends to date my exes. But, if any of my friends strongly felt like they wanted to pursue one of my exes, I would appreciate if they at least talked to me about it in advance.
I do think there are certain un-written rules to a friendship. One of them is “Never date your best friend’s ex.” OP broke that rule. So the corollary to that rule is “If you date your beat friend’s ex, the friendship is over, and it is not best friend’s fault.”
So, no need to feel guilt or feel like an asshole. The Unwritten Rules are just playing themselves out. This is the way it works. Carry on.
Some food for thought: next time maybe let your friend know prior to getting into a relationship/dates with their ex. Not that you need their permission but just as a courtesy if there is something to compromise/clarify on!
Honestly that’s a shitty thing to do. Some boundaries should not be crossed. Even if your friend moved on, she had a history with her ex and loved him and was hurt by him and you knew all this and decided to go for him yourself. I hope it was worth it, because you just lost a friend just to get laid. Seriously messed up🤦🏼♀️
Depends on what happened in their relationship and what the cause of the breakdown was.
I always find it weird when people swap partners within a friend group. It always makes me assume that people are just “standing in line” and waiting for their turn. Always makes me think peoples behaviors and perceptions when the original couples dated.
Anyways, whether her feelings are valid or not, essentially you’ll be choosing between keeping her as a friend or keeping him as a boyfriend.
Knowing both of their histories will probably determine the likelihood of which option is best for you. It would also depend on if there is any **REAL** longevity between you and the ex, or whether or not it’s one of those situations where dating as we get older just gets incredibly more difficult and we mindlessly latch onto whose closest to us because it’s easier than pounding pavement year after year in hopes that you find someone who is genuinely compatible instead of just temporarily accessible.
If you genuinely like this guy and aren’t just grasping at the straws of wanting something intense and projecting intense emotions of who you want ideally onto someone that’s always been in the background because they’re available, then he may be worth losing your friendship over.
I’ve been in this position and walked away from the guy. There’s plenty of other guys out there without getting together with a friends ex.
Put your self in her shoes. Would you be okay with it? Might be best to just give it some time and approach her again. She has every right to be upset and you have every right to continue to pursue something with him.
Quantity of asshole is definitely high, I am disturbed by people that would treat their friends like this, and also concerned by those in here justifying it by treating friends with no greater importance than a stranger.
I’m (apparently) in the minority here, but I see nothing wrong with dating a friend’s ex (esp. after 3 years seperation and she’s now in a long term relationship with someone else).
IMO, if I was on the other side of it (as the friend who’s ex you’re dating), if I got emotionally hurt over it it’s on me to work through it, and I would hold myself accountable for that. If I’ve long since (physically and relationship-wise) moved on to someone else, why haven’t I also moved on emotionally as well?
My hang ups at that point are not your fault. Giving them the head’s up before you get even remotely serious (so they can adjust and begin preparing themselves) is key though, which you did – so I think you’re all good here.
ADDED NOTE: The above assumes that the ex is a decent/good/pleasant person and that there wasn’t trauma in the relationship. If that’s not the case, however – I would not feel this way.
You are an A-hole. What about girl code? I mean there is so many men out here. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. I wouldn’t even trust a girl that would just destroy a friendship over me. People who are disloyal in friendship will probably be disloyal in a relationship. You seem to be the type that put your own happiness over basic principles. Which seem pretty typical nowadays.
Feel like the friendship is tanked at this point and NGL I have pessimistic thoughts about this “friendship” that magically ☆blossomed into love☆ out of nowhere.
Enjoy your boyfriend, but when you guys break up please leave the former best friend alone and don’t go apologizing and wanting to be her friend again. This whole maneuver feels sleazy on your end, from the fact that you were fucking him for weeks to the way you talk about this situation to the fact that you’re posting in here asking if you’re the asshole.
That’s a really horrible thing to do to someone you consider a friend. Seems like no one needs friends like you