I don’t know what to do anymore. My family is pretty messed up. A little background, we both have had a hard time these past few years since we’ve lost 3 grandparents, our sister to suicide, and our mom to a drug overdose all in the last 4 years.
My little brother is currently in jail awaiting a prison sentence (most likely going to be around 10 years).
He was always a trouble causing kid, as was I, but never anything as serious as a felony. After we had to deal with so much loss in a short amount of time, it seemed to light a fire beneath him and he took everything to the next level. He was in and out of jail and on ankle whenever they let him out. My dad and I did what we could to help him, giving him money for clothes and food, buying him a phone, etc. All he had to do was stay in the house because of his ankle monitor. But he kept cutting it and running. They’d bring him back and repeat the process of trying to help him walk a straighter line, but the same thing would happen..he would eventually run again.
I told him, very clearly, while you’re out here with us, I’ll give you anything you need and help you find stability in life, but if you get locked up again, count me out. I knew he was struggling with accepting the loss of our sister and mom, but I was too, and I was barely functional. I needed him to stick around for my mental health as well. But one day he got caught up with serious charges after running away again, and I haven’t talked to him since.
Recently, he wrote me a letter, basically telling me what a horrible brother I have been for not visiting him or sending him money. He said if he follows my mom and sister soon to not pretend that I loved him when it’s too late.
I just wanted some space and hoped he would realize that doing the bad things he’s been doing won’t get him anywhere. I have nightmares about him passing away a couple times a week. I love him and want him to be around again, but I don’t want to let him think I’ll just blindly support him while he’s getting in high speed chases with the police, and a few other crimes I won’t mention, but they’re serious charges.
I don’t know what to say to him. I want to be there, but I don’t want to enable him. I’m scared he will take his life.
7 comments
You said you need space and you want him to essentially find a better path. Write a return letter telling him all that. As for his threats of self harm, you may want to give the jail he’s in a heads up that he’s writing this way. They can get him some counseling and keep him safe. It sounds like he needs the wake up call for the justice system.
I don’t think you need to go out & visit him right away, but writing a letter may be a good place to start. Being in prison is obviously a very isolating experience, one he brought upon himself, but an isolating experience regardless. You both have gone through so much in such a short amount of time.
You sound like you still want to be a part of his life, but with conditions and that’s totally reasonable. I’d say connect by writing a letter or sending him an email through the prison services just to open up some contact. If you feel as though that’s only going to affect you negatively then you can always cut contact again, but up to you.
He’s a narcissist.
Your brother is a failure of a human being, you don’t have to be there unconditionally for people who don’t deserve it.
You’ve been through so much, support yourself, look after yourself. He knows where you are if he gets on the straight and narrow, and you can reconcile then. But he doesn’t want to be helped now, he’s not ready. Cut him loose to make his own choices.
Wow. First, just wanna say how sorry I am for all of your losses. This seems like a really really tough situation. I feel your pain in being afraid of a loved one taking their life, it’s so hard. And I know this might not seem like the most sensible advice, but you need to try to let it go. If they do or don’t there’s nothing you can do about it. One of those hard truths.
You should take your space and try to focus on your grieving process and feelings. Maybe you’ll even come around to reaching out to your brother. Everyone makes choices and should have to deal with the consequences of those choices. Hope you focus on you!
I am so sorry you guys had to go through that, I can’t even imagine.
What you did was self preservation and it was healthy to cut out a person that was not helping himself. you don’t have to apologize for putting yourself first.
As for what to tell your brother? maybe a letter:
“Dear Bro,
I am sorry life has turned out this way for our family, it certainly has not been fair. Loosing so many people in our lives has certainly taken a huge toll on all of us. I had rather hoped to help you with your pain those 2 years ago, and I honestly did try my best, but I realized I couldn’t make you want to be better, I couldn’t take away the hurt and the anger in you when I could barely deal with it in myself trying to hog tie a life raft on you while I felt like I was drowning in misery myself.
Remember (insert happy moment staring amazing person brother used to be), I miss that, I miss you. I realized I could not be who you needed me to be, I don’t even think you knew what I needed to be, all I knew is at that moment in time I could not help you, that maybe the only way to really get you help was to let you mess up and face the consequences of what you where choosing for yourself. Maybe I was wrong, Maybe I should have pinned you down every time you wanted to cut off the monitor and run, maybe I should have tried harder, but I also know I could not be your keeper, I could not light myself on fire to keep you warm.
I really hope you get the help you need, I really hope you get better and maybe someday we can be 2 middle aged men relaxing over a bbq and shooting the shit about work or the latest in sports while realizing how damn lucky we both are to be alive after all the crap we went through. There is nothing I would rather have then my little brother back in my life, alive and whole and happy.
I do love you, and I do want what is best for you, even if that means you need to be angry with me right now.
Forever your brother
X”
well maybe an edited version of this.
good luck, you did nothing wrong.
I am so sorry for your losses. The grief must have been nearly overwhelming…and is surely still with you.
What I’m going to say to you is going to be a bit blunt, but I believe it’s necessary.
Despite all your attempts to help, your brother chose his own path. You did everything you could. Perhaps too much at the risk of your own mental health. Now is the time to accept that you cannot fix your brother. He has done things that he will have to pay for. **Stop letting him make you feel guilty for his bad fucking choices!!**
Even from prison, he is blaming you. Don’t let him. Many people here will probably encourage you to keep helping him and to maintain contact. I disagree. He made his choices, even though they hurt you and your Dad. When did he ever take the time to think or care about the two of you? Was it the numerous times he cut of his ankle monitor? During the crimes he committed while on the run? No. He thought only about himself and what he wanted in the moment.
For your own sake, let him go. Either don’t write back, or respond telling him that you told him his actions would end your relationship and you meant what you said. Say goodbye and keep healing. If you tether yourself to him, it will only keep messing up your attempts to recover.
Only he is responsible for his life, OP.
Be strong. Be kind to yourself. Hug your Dad. I wish you good luck and happiness.