When our relationship is going very smoothly, I always feel like someone she settled for. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a fantastic girlfriend. She never loses her cool at me, always checks up on my day if we haven’t texted for a while, always wants to talk through our fight and never giving up on me even though I wanted to walk away couple of times.
But, it just feels like she is going through the motions. When we are together, she rarely initiates physical contact, much less sex. When I start getting frisky with her, she doesn’t reciprocate and seem annoyed sometimes. We do have sex regularly, but it’s always scheduled and only when she’s feeling it. She’s rarely interested in my life and almost anything I say. She will put in the effort to listen but she looks so bored by it. She never plans dates nor does she ever tell me she misses me or asks me out, although she never turns me down when I want to see her.
Essentially, I feel like someone who just makes her feel good, an idea of a person, and easily replaced.
Here’s the thing, when I told her I wanted to break up because of the above, she goes crazy for me. She would kiss me so intensely, push me down and ride me hard, sob uncontrollably, listen very attentively to everything i say, sacrifice her work to talk to me, come over specially to talk to me and do whatever she can to save the relationship.
This really leaves me extremely confused. So does she actually desire me or not.
17 comments
She desires the stability of the relationship. She does just enough to keep you and then reverts to her usual ways. If she really wanted to change, she would have, or had a conversation with you about what her blockage is.
Worst of all, dude, she’s weaponizing sex against you and to manipulate you. Just pushing you down and initiating like that when you break up is pushing close to SA territory. Leave her, but do it in a public place so she can’t manipulate. Bring any stuff of hers with you, tell her where she can leave your stuff to pick up. And then block her EVERYWHERE.
If under normal circumstances she makes you feel like a placeholder, then that’s likely how she perceives you, even if she isn’t honest about it. When you threaten to leave, she pours on the effort, but it really does seem like it’s an effort for her to show you that you are important to her. The situation you have described, OP, isn’t going to improve. So do you really want to be with someone who sees you as convenient?
>We do have sex regularly, but it’s always scheduled **and only when she’s feeling it.**
Wot.
Like…as opposed to having sex with you when she’s not consenting?
Outside of that, I’ve been with my partner for 13 years and she’s similar in this regard. She’s just not very expressive and we’ve talked about understanding each other’s love languages. I’ve better understood the ways she feels and expresses love, and I think you should talk to her about your feelings
What else is new?
So you see how she treats you when it’s easy, and then you see how she treats you when she wants you to stay. You deserve the attention and passion and feeling desired as the normal, not the blegh . She showed you how much effort she CAN put in, but she chooses not to.
Break up and find someone that wants you and treats you like they want you
Please give us some context : Is the same girlfriend from your previous post ?
The one who invited a guy friend in her room in after midnight and hide it from you ?
It’s like when she has you, she’s bored. But when you pull away and threaten to break up with her, she panics and is scared. It honestly does sound confusing. I think you should ask what she really wants, and listen to her words and actions.
If she repeats the same thing, pulling effort and then a big drop of no effort and being bored again, that’s probably your cue.
Look up “Hysterical Bonding”
It sounds a lot like that.
I’m a guy and I use to do what your gf did to the relationships I didn’t really care about until I found a new one. I’ve changed my ways and regret that toxic behavior but this seems like this is what she is doing.
You could look up attachment styles, specifically the avoidant one
So I had a GF kind of like this. I thought a lot of the same thoughts, that she didn’t like me much or was settling for me, or sometimes just tolerating me rather than actually being enthusiastic about being my partner. And, same, when I told her I was unhappy about it and not getting what I need (I didn’t really threaten breakup explicitly, it was more implied) she would get better for a while before sliding back to her baseline.
And then I met her parents. Her dad was like me…. outgoing, loud, gregarious, always wanting to show me his newest premium whiskey or new computer toy. Her mom was basically just at like she was to me. Patiently tolerating him and all his extroversion but just kinda ho-hum. Reserved, not nearly as affectionate or talkative, and just the vibe usually of waiting for whatever he was doing to be over.
So without intending to, she was just aping her parents dynamic. We talked about it, which didn’t help her a lot or change much but it helped me to not take it so personally.
Anyway we broke up eventually, but it wasn’t due to this dynamic. Advice here being maybe dig a little deeper and don’t assume that her default is really about you or feelings twords you.
>*So does she actually desire me or not.*
**No!**
She only acted like this in a last-ditch effort to keep you because she fears/hates change. If she really desired you, you would not feel like “I’m better than nothing…but not *much* better.” You’d be kissed intensely often (not all the time, let’s be real here…), ridden hard regularly, etc. You’re being love-bombed to keep you from dumping her. **Dump her anyway and find someone who’s crazy about you and wants to kiss/screw you A LOT!**
Grow up.
It’s hard to say if the love bomb after you threatened a break up was a genuine realization or just an effort to avoid taking that L. Let the dust settle from that then have a genuine conversation about what both of you expect from the relationship. If that conversation doesn’t help with the confusion I’d suggest taking that energy you were putting into your relationship and directing it towards yourself. Kick ass at your job, hit the gym, go hard on your hobbies, reconnect with your boys and Watch how she moves going forward. Her actions in the next couple chapters will give you your answer.
Sounds pretty manipulative to me
what is the longest amount of time that she has been single? Maybe she is terrified of being alone even if she really isn’t passionate about being with someone
It’s because you aren’t her ideal partner, but she’s afraid of being alone.
Go and find someone who loves you truly.