My birthday was on Wednesday. I turned 36. My husband of 2 years told me that day that he had ordered something that needed to be picked up on Thursday. My birthday was celebrated by going to dinner at a place I picked out, but he made us leave after a couple of hours once he thought the restaurant might be closing. This was at 9 pm. Neither of us needed to be up for work the next day until relatively late. There were no plans to continue the celebration, even at home. My husband spent a good portion of the meal on his phone, conversing with his family over their dramas and discussing a project with coworkers. I left my phone in my bag. There was no card, flowers, etc. He told no one that it was my birthday aside from a random coworker I don’t even know. We fought most of the morning over the fact that he, from the second we woke up, put zero effort in and didn’t seem even to care that it was my birthday.
I am the housekeeper who also works a full-time job. My husband doesn’t contribute at all. So, it bothered me that on this one day of the year, he would decide not to put a single ounce of thought into what I might like. His birthdays always involve homemade cake, meals, a card with a message, a wrapped present, dinner out, and drinks that I plan way ahead with his friends. I do this because he enjoys those gestures and those activities.
On Thursday, there was no mention of a present pickup. Today, after he came home from work at 2 pm, I asked him about my birthday present. We argued a bit. I went to our room and put my headphones on to create much-needed space. He came in twice to tell me how much he loves me, but each time I asked him to leave. Then, he got in an Uber, went to a couple of shops, and returned with three items. One was a bag that was not my style. The other was a man’s beach hat, and the third was a nightgown that I owned but in a different color. Nothing was pre-ordered.
I was devastated. I put the presents near the door and told him he could return them. I asked if we could discuss why I was upset, but he refused and told me he needed to nap. I confessed that his actions seriously made me rethink our marriage and my decision to stay. This wasn’t the first time he overlooked my needs out of sheer laziness. He said that he refused to change, then rolled over. He is currently in the bedroom snoring.
Tl;dr: My husband ignored my needs which included putting effort into my birthday. This has prompted me to want to leave him.
EDIT #1: I told my husband two weeks ago that I desired more romance and attentiveness to my needs within our relationship. He agreed and said he would do that from then on. Regarding a present, a month ago, after he asked, I detailed specifically what I wanted, told him how to order it (super easy), and made sure it was within his budget.
40 comments
You both sound like a mess.
I’d suggest you get counseling for all of your problems, or just call it quits. You’ll both be happier.
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He lied about the presents needing to be picked up Thursday? That’s a huge issue. I don’t want a partner who lies to me instead of owning their shit.
As far as your birthday goes, though, I’m not sure you can expect much more than a nice dinner for your 36th. It’s great if you want to celebrate more, but that is something you will have to plan yourself.
You sound like a kid who didn’t get the big grand birthday day that they expected.
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Forgetting social things is definitely in the top 5 hits for men. When you mentioned that you had a birthday dinner, I thought to myself “ahh he thinks he’s celebrating her birthday.” He’s 36 years old, why would he tell anyone it’s your birthday? If you like servers at a restraunt singing to you on your birthday that’s something he might not know.
But you said he was on the phone. That doesn’t completely shift the issue back toward him, unless you made serious efforts to get his attention, and keep his attention. It may be your birthday, not everyone is focused on the fact that it’s your birthday.
The fact that you’re the sole provider for the household, and your husband does nothing. His primary attention should be focused on making you happy, unless he has a serious plan to make himself more marketable.
Telling your husband to return the gifts is a very hurtful thing to do. I know that your husband ignoring you on your birthday was also a hurtful thing. It’s very human to want someone else to feel the pain they’ve caused you, it’s part of communication.
If you don’t know how to verbalize what your feeling, or you don’t express yourself verbally, it’s going to happen in a way that may be harder to control.
I’m sorry your husband isn’t as thoughtful as you’d like. It doesn’t sound like he made much effort, and for that I would be bummed as well.
Counseling for your marriage (as well as independent for you both) might help.
hey op, I don’t usually comment on reddit, but I kind of get why u were so upset, u were simply looking for some effort, could be a simple homemade card or a back massage or something. Esp when u said when u wanted to talk to him about it and he just ignored u like that. Maybe from his pov he already tried.
How did u celebrate last year? was he always like that? if not then maybe there are other issues between u that should be addressed first… hope u feel better soon!
Your husband is a jerk.
He has shown you how he feels about you. Take the loss and move on. There is definitely someone out who would care about your birthday.
It’s unromantic but I always ask for money when it’s my birthday, mother’s or any kind of holidays. I can buy whatever I want guilt free. Guys are clueless when it comes to these things.
I suck at birthdays & holidays, if you want something with more thought then money it won’t be from me. My husband is so romantic, the sweetest cards. But he he is not disappointed by what I lack in the gift giving department. You two need to work this out.
I understand your frustration.
To translate: he takes you for granted every other day if the year and the one time you make it known that you need something complete with instructions he fails you. At the dinner he didn’t even try to engage you but ignored your existence until he was ready to leave.
At this point I would suggest couples therapy or if he refuses to participate start developing and focusing on your own friends and support system that appreciates you. Without serious change your resentment will build until it explodes and blows up the relationship.
Well did you tell him what you want?
This marriage sounds dead. None of what you’ve described is a man who gives a shit.
I think what’s key in all of this is him stating he refuses to change. People always suggest counseling, not realizing it’s just not affordable to spend $100-$150 every week or every other week. If it’s affordable, get individual and or couples counseling. If not, separate for awhile. I only say this because that’s what it took for my husband to change. It was a huge wake up call for him! He is a completely different person ever since he came home to my bags packed and me walking out the door
Your husband is not good at giving gifts. If you go down this path, you will spend the next 20 or 30 years angry at him every time your birthday comes up.
It’s time to rethink birthdays. No more gifts for him or you. Choose an activity to do together and promise to have cell phones off for the activity. Go away for the weekend to a hotel, explore tantric sex at a workshop, take a day cruise on a boat, visit a spa and get massages, go and take your cars to be professionally cleaned while you have a nice lunch, go skydiving, take a train ride, etc. Ultimately, you will be happier and you will have something to remember.
That poor treatment on top of a man who doesn’t so much as lift a finger to do his share of the chores around the house. He’s using you and doesn’t seem to care. Maybe this was a mistake?
Next year buy yourself something you really want and then take one of your girlfriends out to dinner and celebrate. Sounds like he doesn’t think birthdays are a big deal.
He already told you he won’t change so the decision is yours, do you want this to be your marriage?
I didn’t grow up in a family where gift giving was really a thing, I never realized that it could be something that would cause a bigger issue in a relationship. Maybe there’s a better way for you both to move forward? My husband and I just give each other more spending room around holidays or important days- you get what you want you know? It doesn’t mean we don’t get each other small things as a surprise but it takes a lot of pressure off and seems to work well.
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One big question: was he aware of your expectations?
In my husbands family, birthdays are just another day. There are maybe gifts, if someone happens to remember. So when we met and my birthday came, well… that’s all it did. Came and went. I was confused, although I don’t care for gifts like you seem to so I didn’t say anything. So the next year, I explicitly told him that I would love some sort of something. Even a single flower, or a pack of gummies. Your husband might just genuinely not think of birthdays as a huge deal. Even if he did, sometimes men need things to be s-p-e-l-l-e-d o-u-t.
ETA: okay, I just saw the edit. Yeah, he’s a butt.
As a dude who has screwed up on my wife’s b/d, this is egregious. He didn’t even try.
He doesn’t work? He stays home all day and doesn’t contribute but forgot to buy you a present?
Your husband is a POS (sorry but not really). You work full time and are the homemaker too because he doesn’t help you around the house. This sounds so much like my husband. I’m 8 months preggo and he still won’t even help clean the cats litter boxes which my doctor told me I should never be doing while pregnant because I could get toxoplasmosis and pass it on to my baby. I have a lot of other issues in my marriage (just look at my post history) and if it weren’t for being pregnant I would have left my husband a long time ago. My husband also has never really done anything special for my birthday whereas I usually go out of my way for him on his birthday. It sucks and it never gets better.
I’m not going to suggest couples therapy or divorce because that’s what everyone on reddit says to do. What I *do* suggest is that you treat yourself. Take a day and buy yourself whatever you want. And ghost your husband that day. If he wants dinner he can figure it out on his own. Get your friends and have a girls night out. Go to a spa. Whatever it is give yourself your own gifts since your husband doesn’t appreciate you. He’s an asshole.
Edit to add: I just read that you say he’s a doctor. If you can take his credit card and rack up charges on your “it’s all about me” day, even better. Treat yourself on his dime! You deserve it.
Wow. How long have you been married? Have your birthdays always been like that since being married? Was it any different when you were dating?
A birthday dinner out with ExH involved him being on his phone texting with a friend about their relationship problems. “I can’t just not text him back!” He would say. Actually, you can 🙄
I don’t understand the fuss over birthdays, especially since birthdays or holidays were never a big deal when I was growing up. Some people suck at gift giving. My husband of 11 years bought me a vacuum cleaner one year for my birthday. I couldn’t get imagine leaving him for a bad gift. Your love language sounds like gift buying. You and your husband should take free online love languages quiz and share/discuss results.
Problem with love languages is that a lot of people mistakenly show their love to their spouse in the same way they themselves desire to be loved. This is without taking their spouses love language into consideration. I’ve been guilty of Same as my love language is acts of service and my husbands is quality time. Because i need acts of service to feel loved, I used to do special things for my husband and then get mad, like you are with yours, when he didn’t reciprocate. Because my husbands language is quality time, he would spend time with me and then legit get confused when I was mad over his not doing things for me.
Take the love languages quiz and communicate with your spouse. If you don’t learn to communicate in your current relationship, all your future relationships are doomed to fail for same reason. Communication is huge!!
Wow, my husband may have spent some of the day to himself, but he still got me a couple things he knew I wanted, the only thing I even let him know I wanted for certain was $6 chopsticks from Amazon because I didn’t want to burden him, two days after my birthday the gift finally arrived he said two days Before my birthday would be late and it was a laser hair removal kit I had told him and my mom about and how I was saving for it. He bought a cake and candles too, we played a game I had been wanting to play that he bought and we spent a good time together with our kids like I wanted to do.
Even for his day I went out and bought him his favorite cake, put balloons and a banner up, I got him a gift bag fullllll of his favorite snacks and a couple things I knew he liked (I’m a stay-at-home mom and so I don’t really have a high income to buy him everything I wish I could).
It’s the little things that matter, him saying he wasn’t even going to try….that was rude, he showed you that he just doesn’t care. If his birthday hasn’t happened yet, don’t do anything, return whatever you may have got him.
I’d also separate bank accounts and change passwords, prepare to end things, because he said he doesn’t want to change at all, he likes being catered to and not having to lift a finger for anyone else. You’re his caregiver who I’m assuming happens to be his sex toy too. Don’t take this, you deserve better.
You deserve to feel loved and not taken for granted. This is worth leaving a marriage over for sure.
Your husband sucks. You made your needs known, he said OK but when it came time to make good, he refused to change.
In the beginning of our relationship, I asked my husband if he wanted me to give him a detailed list with links and sizes etc. He said “Yes, please!” I’ve never gotten a shitty present from him. It’s really not that hard to do the bare minimum.
Unacceptable, imo. Time to move on.
😅
Mine polled all of my closest friends more than once on what to get me for bday etc. they all put much time and effort into thoughtful gifts right up my alley. He got me a massage envy massage. For my 30th lol. Couldn’t even tell the waiter when we went to dinner it was my bday for free cake. Meanwhile for his 40th I was working in another state 12-14 hour days packed w none off (20 on 8 off) and still managed to coordinate helpers and cakes and venue and decor and delivery to throw him a suprise 40th bday…. Also he makes way more money than me and asks for cash as a gift…. On top of that I’ve been in therapy for years But anytime I open my
Mouth or have any opinion or question? Met with a BUT YOU. I’m losing hope. Quickly.
I’m so sorry you had to feel that let down. My heart hurts for you. Abs everyone that deals with this shit. I’m sick of grown selfish man babies running the world and doing MAYBE the bare minimum. I’m sure there are many other thoughtful, caring, loving, attentive humans out there to match us. ..
I’m someone who struggles with gift giving and celebration planning so I often have some degree of sympathy for the lackluster gift giver in this type of situation. But not here. This is next level lazy/inconsiderate on your husband’s part.
You literally told him exactly what you wanted and he couldn’t be bothered to try. That sounds to me like someone who just plain doesn’t care if his actions are hurtful. No thanks.
I wish grownups would obsess less about birthdays
This is really just cause and effect. As somebody whos in a marriage about to end it’s pretty easy to see you two are just hanging onto what was but the marriage is basically over. As the years have gone on the resentment grew over past things done and said that she refused to ever address. Instead of pretending like everything was perfect and feeding into the nonsense I just quit. I suspect this is most likely the evolution of your relationship where every year it becomes more routine and neither side really caring anymore.
Not going to compare you to my wife just an example. I’d say 360 days of the year there was absolutely nothing I got from her but every time an anniversary or birthday rolled around suddenly I needed to show her just how much I loved her by doing something special. Over a decade of that and I finally just flat out stopped doing anything for any event because why would I?
Long story short I suspect there’s far more that you’re not sharing that has turned the marriage into what it is today. Nobody believes him not caring about your birthday is what made you want a divorce.
You aren’t worth anything anyway. You knew that going in so what did you expect?
You deserve berter