A good friend of mine (whom I love) confided in me that her big crush is a mutual friend, who also happens to be my crush but I never told anyone because I didn’t think he’d be interested in me. After she told me that, I put my fantacy about him aside and I tried to set them up. I invited them both to a dinner party, I recommended they carpool because they live near by, and I have even told him my friend is a good catch and a woman of his caliber. Fast forward a few months and him and her have become friends. They are both amazing humans…but she has told me she senses no vibes from him. The other night we had a gathering and I wanted to go dancing. Neither my friend or the other friends wanted to go, except our crush. So we went and had good clean fun. However, when we had a moment to chat, I asked him about my friend and if he was interested in her and again reiterated she’s a woman of his caliber. And she is. She is amazing and beautiful and smart. He proceeded to tell me he sees her as a friend and doesn’t want to ruin the friendship…but then he said: “I am actually interested in you.” This record scratch moment took me by surprise. I don’t know what to do. He’s a hell of a catch. Good man, kind, giving, a good friend, generous, hard working, stable. I would love to pursue this, but I fear I’d cause rift in our circle of friends. What advice can some of you give me?
16 comments
If your friendship with her is important, then you should tell her what he told you, and you should admit your feelings about him.
The right path is usually not the easiest, but it’s the one you’ll feel best about in the long term.
If you talk to her and you get the sense that it would really bother her if you dated him, then I would just find another fish.
She senses no vibes because there are none. I suggest you have a discussion with your friend. Let her know what he said. Allow her to react. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
He sounds like a car sales pitch the way you describe his positive qualities.
Have an upfront conversation with your friend and be honest, and also be prepared for her to tale some space from you. Just because she has a crush doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated.
Tell her what he told you, and about your crush. Ask her how she would feel if you and him start dating. There’s a good chance her crush on him was just that, and that she’ll be happy for you.
Imo, it’s not like anything ever happened between them, and he’s genuinely not interested in her but in you. You can’t be blamed for this.
If she really does have a problem with it then it’s time for you to make some decisions. Choose whatever you feel is right.
He sounds like a car sales pitch the way you describe his positive qualities.
Have an upfront conversation with your friend and be honest, and also be prepared for her to tale some space from you. Just because she has a crush doesn’t mean it will be reciprocated.
I think it would be selfish to prevent a friend from dating someone just because they have a crush on that person. It was a crush which led to nowhere, it is not an ex-boyfriend, she can’t “claim” him or get mad at you.
I would be honest with your friend and if she gets upset, then she is the one who’s not the good friend.
Just talk to her. It sounds like there wasn’t chemistry on either side and she’s fine just being friends. It’s not like he’s her ex, you both had a crush and he’s interested in you. I don’t think this needs to be a problem.
I would also just caution you about how much it seems like you remove your own happiness from the equation to service others. It’s fine to step aside if you know a friend has a crush on the same dude and you value the friendship more, but working overtime to get him to be interested in her sounds more like martyrdom than friendship. It’s okay to value yourself and your own feelings sometimes too.
Yes, I find him attractive, smart, and funny. No, my heart doesn’t flutter, yet, because we’ve been friends and I haven’t invested heart due to thinking he wasn’t interested in me. He has many good qualities and I don’t know everything about him. But in the 1.5 yrs I have known him I’ve witnessed him be helpful to other friends, he’s giving with his time, he had a girlfriend back when I met him and when they broke up over 7 months ago he never once said anything mean or bad about her, when we have gatherings he always offers to help with setup and cleanup. So overall he’s a good person with good values and we both like the outdoors, biking, hiking, camping, motorcycle riding, dancing.
So both of you like the same person. He’s not interested in her but he’s interested in you. You can’t “call dibs” on people like that cause we’re all autonomous individuals. Talk to her about what he said.
Honestly personally I wouldn’t date a guy that my friend also likes. It’s a hard no from me.
My friend was in your exact situation pretty much to the T. I will tell you what I told her … be honest with your friend. Tell her how you had feelings for him from the beginning. If she is truly your friend, she WILL be happy for you, just like you selflessly tried to put your emotions aside for her. If she is nasty about it, she is NOT your friend. Follow your heart.
P.S. as for my friend and the guy? Well, they have been together 15+ years, happily married for 5, and have an incredible little boy. As for my friend and her friend? They’re still friends. In fact, her friend was even one of her bridesmaids.
Wish you the best!
go for it. you cant call dibs on a person. tell her what he said and that you both like each other.
This is easy.
Fight your friend to the death
Winner gets the great catch
He’s Interested in you and you are interested in him. What’s the problem here?
Don’t worry about her being mad or resentful. If she’s a good friend, she’d support your relationship as you tried to help her cultivate hers.
Sounds more like you want him rather than you want to keep the friend
if he likes you and you like him then there shouldn’t be an issue. if she can’t support you then she’s not a true friend. you did so much to help her, despite not even having to, and despite your own feelings. you deserve to be happy too, not just her.