I am going to be as transparent as possible for both sides of this situation, as I do want meaningful and genuine feedback on my wife and I’s situation.
Me (28M) and my wife (27F) have been together for 6 years in July. We got married over a year ago and just had our first child (4 months old). My wife and I have lived together for the past 4 years when we bought a house together. Our relationship is solid, we are each-others best friend’s, and our marriage has been amazing and we have a perfect and healthy baby. My wife and I both work full-time. I work 60 hours a week on average, sometimes more and subject to being called out in the middle of the night which puts obvious stressors on our family and childcare.
My mother raised me as a single-mom from when I was 4 YOA, my father did not fill his role in my life growing up very well (did not come to sports practices/games, other activity functions a dad would be at, he was an alcoholic), if at all, which put a lot of burden on my mother while raising me on her own, financially, emotionally, etc. My mother dedicated those years until I moved out the house to me at her own expense; she did not date during this time and figured everything out on her own, working at time 3 different jobs to make sure I could do what I wanted to do and have a ‘normal’ life. My mother deserves a lot of credit for my successes so far in my life with the foundation she provided. This most recent issue she has made statements resenting how much effort she put into raising me.
My wife comes from a large family which spends a lot of time with one another, etc. Me on the other hand had a very small family and it was usually just my mother and I for holidays, etc. My mother has had a history of severing relationships both friends and family throughout the years. She has 4 siblings (1 has passed), none of which she has ever kept in touch with the past decade or so if not more, all of which live locally. My mother’s father passed when I was young, and my mother’s mother has never been in the picture although she also lives local. My mother severed ties with most of her family early on because she did not like how they fit into her life. My mother has a very flippant attitude and will not hear out or understand anyone, you could consider her a ‘Karen’. My mother is very pessimistic and a negative person, and generally any conversation with her is draining because it is just her complaining about topics which are insignificant and could not have been prevented and are what they are.
Fast-forward to my adult life with my wife. It has been an issue with every holiday with spending time with my mother and my wife’s family. My mother has said she feels as though she is ‘second’ and we spend more time with my wife’s family than her and we always put them first. We do spend more time with my wife’s family, generally going out to eat/bars or sports games, they are very social people. My mother on the other hand isn’t very social, doesn’t have hobbies, lives alone and she enjoys coming home from work and watching TV. She works two jobs, one normal 8-5 during the week and a second on the weekend, usually 4-6 hours each day on Saturday and Sunday.
The issue with the holidays has come up multiple times and we have addressed it. For the past year every holiday I preempt and ask my mother what she wants to do, what times, where, etc. My wife’s family also invites her to their holiday get togethers as they are generally larger in numbers and she comes. She also has been invited and has attended certain parties like SuperBowl at my wife’s families. They are very welcoming people.
My wife and I have gone on several vacations over the years with her family. We have never gone on a vacation with my mother. For a few reasons, she has never offered it as something she wants to do while my wife’s family plans and invites us, and my mother has never been a big vacation person. Growing up we only went on two vacations (I went on numerous other trips for church, etc. but she would not come.)
My mother has made off-handed comments of she does not see her grandson enough and that he probably doesn’t recognize her. We have never prohibited her from seeing our son and every time she has asked we have made it work with all of our schedules. We have never told her no. One time when she made an off-hand comment about us never coming around with the baby, I told her it was not our responsibility to develop a relationship for her with her grandson, and if she wants to visit or see him, she is more than welcome but that is something she needs to initiate. We are not going to go out of our way for every family member to be proactive with them spending time with our son, theirs just too many people. She also works a lot, so scheduling these visits gets complicated with all of our schedules.
We took a vacation this past week with my wife’s family and when we returned my mother created another issue. Saying we never spend time with her and don’t go on vacations with her. It got pretty heated between my mother and I and at the end of it I reminded her of her responsibilities to develop a relationship with her grandson. I told her if she wants to go on a vacation then she needs to reach out and ask and tell us, which she has never done. She brought up the holidays issue again, which I in turn screenshotted all of our texts from the last years holidays reminding her how we do whatever she is wanting. Her response was she reads between the lines and still feels as though she is second. I told her I cannot help what she feels and only tell her what reality is. She went off about how I should gossip about this whole problem with other people, and accused me of doing this in the past, which I had not.
This whole situation has really come to a head, as it has before, but I do not know if I can handle this mentally again and do not know where to go from here. Things were left off with my mother with no specific direction, and I do not know if I am willing to continue to try to have this relationship with my mother myself and don’t believe it would be healthy for my son or my family. The thought of not having a relationship with my mother though is very daunting.
My wife has been very accommodating to this whole situation with my mother, she isn’t pushing for one way or the other, but as much it is draining for me it is draining for her and she does not like to see me upset.
9 comments
The biggest question to me is, do you and your wife actually want to spend time with your mom? Is she pleasant to be around? We have this exact situation with my MIL as well. My husband doesn’t carve out the time to spend with her because she can be toxic and manipulative.
First impression – it sounds like she wants more invitations, while you want her to take the initiative and invite herself. She is bringing up how much effort she put into raising you because she now wants you to return that effort.
I think some sessions of individual counseling with a psychologist would help you see your relationship with your mom in a more rational way, give you an unbiased opinion and come up with different strategies to deal with her. Just a 2-3 sessions might be enough.
It does sound like she’s negative and pessimistic. Your wife’s family invites her to things, y’all work around her schedule, and she still finds a way to be miserable.
It doesn’t sound like there’s anything you can do to make her happy because she’s just not going to be.
Also, what she did for you, is what she should have done for you. It’s parenting and is what happens when one has a child. You don’t owe her anything, just like my children won’t owe me anything.
I have been working on my boundaries in my own relationship lately and it sounds like you need to look to yourself and spouse to find out what boundaries to have with your mother. The podcast beyond bitchy is all about boundaries and has helped me a lot. You are not responsible for your mother’s perception. You need to do what is best for your family unit. If she wants to have a relationship with your family she will need to respect the boundaries you put in place or deal with the consequences your family has decided on if not. No matter what you change she will probably always feel that way. You only have control over your own actions but not those of other adults.
Good luck it’s always tricky when dealing with family.
She sounds insecure and depressed. My recommendation is to invite her more, she won’t come. Make the invitations formal. Try to include her in events. Go get a family picture together. Something unique with just her and see if it helps. If not I suggest you try to get her to see a therapist. She clearly needs it.
I think her issue is that she is lonely. I’d she worked 3 jobs just to take care of you she probably didn’t have time to make friends, plan vacations or develop hobbies.
I get that she is hard to deal with but you still have to make an effort if you a relationship with her.
This is a tough situation my dude. There’s a saying about pets that I think has a lot of parallels here. It goes something like, “For us, they are a just a part of our world. For them, we are their whole world.”
It sounds like your mom fills her days with work since she doesn’t really seem to have much else going on. I imagine her time with you is a bright spot in an otherwise lonely existence. For so long, her identity was likely wrapped up in being your mom. Then, one day, you were gone. I imagine that was hard on her.
My childhood wasn’t all that different from yours. I had siblings and my mom did date a dad connected to my friend group as I got older and and later married the man. I thank God for him. If she hadn’t, she’d be doing to me what she’s doing to you. 🤣
Given your ages, I’d imagine your mom is still fairly young and has a lot of life ahead of her. It’s sad that she’s depressing and pessimistic, but given the cards she was dealt and how she played them, not surprising either. I’m sure this is not the way she expected her life to turn out. Does she even know how to change her story at this point?
While you’re not responsible for her happiness, maybe there’s something you can do to steer her in that direction.
First, if she wants more time with your son and that would make her happy, is she willing to baby sit while you go to dinner/movie? That would give you both a break and her some one on one time.
Second, do you ever spend one on one time with your mom without your wife/kids? I know you’re life is busy and time is probably a premium, but I bet she’d love it. I don’t spend enough time with my mom either.
Third, would you be willing to do some family counseling with your mom? She may need some individual counseling too, but going together might give you both the space to work through some of these stressors. A professional can help remind your mom where your duties are as an adult without you having to be the bad guy. She needs to come to terms with that and figure out where she can fit into your world and not feel like a 3rd wheel.
I feel like she needs help, love and patience. You can work with her on the last two, but someone else may be necessary to really help her figure out what she wants for her life and what steps need to be taken to get there. I’m sure you’d love for her to find a good person to share her life with and bring her the joy she hasn’t had in so long only a romantic partner can provide.
It sounds like part of your dilemma is figuring out what a child owes their parent for their own upbringing. Humans have struggled with this as long as we’ve existed, and the “solutions” tend to be clumped around cultural expectations, but at the end of the day that’s something we have to decide internally for ourselves. It would be too easy to say “You owe your parents nothing, you didn’t ask to be born/given x lifestyle” etc. It also feels wrong to say her sacrifice creates a life long obligation for you to do anything she wants (see: recent story about family suing their son because they want a grandkid). We all have to find our own peace somewhere on that spectrum and live by it. It sounds like your wife is a wonderful person who understands this and is letting you find your truth.
The only other thing to remember is no matter what you decide, you can only be responsible for yourself and your actions. You cannot be held responsible for your mom’s happiness (or lack thereof). Your job in that relationship is act in a way that lets you sleep well at night.