My husband & I are a interracial couple. I’m black & he’s white. I always kinda make the joke “yeah my people are always late, we can’t start on time for nothing” & we just laugh about it. We went to a concert about a week ago. On our way to the concert, he said “it probably won’t start on time” & I said “what do you mean by that?” & he jokingly said “well because they’re black”. & I was super offended. & he could tell & he apologized & said “I wasn’t a big deal to me but if it bothers you I won’t say it again or anything like that”. & I appreciated that but it kinda got under my skin.
Not sure how to feel. Any advice?
17 comments
Feel the way you feel but communicate to your husband about it.
Do you think your husband is bigoted or racist?
Were you offended because you think he, personally, has bigoted beliefs about black people or because he was speaking as a representative of white people? That’s an important distinction and it will help you to figure out which mindset you have about him.
I have been around my husband for a long time. I catch myself talking the same way he talks. I say words he says. I say phrases he says. The same has happened with him…I catch him talking the same way I talk. Using words and phrases that I use.
That’s how humans operate. We want to integrate socially with other humans, so we naturally emulate how other humans around us behave. We copy their language and their jokes and their social norms.
That’s why he made the joke. Because of that human instinct.
Obviously as a white person he has to be aware of his jokes. He probably wouldn’t have made that joke to anyone but you because he’s learned that there are certain things he shouldn’t joke about.
But he was around you – someone he loves and feels comfortable with – and emulated a joke that you frequently make.
You were hurt. It’s okay to communicate that. But he might be more hesitant about joking with you and the barrier that exists between you due to your different races may have increased just slightly. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Just an unfortunate side effect of the world’s history.
My husband and I are also different races. I always joke about how my “people” are always late. I do not take offense if he says he thinks my relatives will be late or not start on time. (Because it is 100% true)
Some people may just be more sensitive to the topic than others. I’m not gonna preach how you should or should not feel. But if you joke about something, he probably also thinks it is okay
Edit: Maybe I should say *ethnicities. I always mix it up with race But still we are from difference places and have lots of cultural differences. (Has caused a lot of issues in our marriage, but that is a different story)
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Interracial couple here. Married 30 years. So you’re able to joke about it but he’s not? Personally, I don’t think that’s OK. Why do you think you were offended?
We both joke about stuff mutually and we have both learned what the other is ok with. We are one and everything is a two way street, but if there’s an issue or something comes up we just talk it through and work towards oneness.
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I have a white best friend. I had to learn this: don’t say things you don’t want repeated back to you.
I’ve even gone so far as to apply this to other areas of my life as well. I find it annoying when I say “I’m so lazy” and someone throws it back in my face later and says “you’re so lazy”. I realized I just have to stop saying I’m lazy!
OP, you have a history of posting threads where you may or may not be overreacting to things your husband has done. You also admit to having ROCD (relationship obsessive compulsive disorder). Could this be another instance that normally wouldn’t be a big deal between you two, but you’re obsessing over it?
What about the one that says when white people hair get wet
Grow up.
If it bothers you for him to say it, then you have to stop talking like that too. Your the one implying its okay to say those things. Flip the roles, what if he said white people cant cook and then you said the same and he got mad. Think about it.
Hes gonna feel like he has to tip toe around you now. Never knowing what hes allowed to joke about. Even if it’s a joke you say yourself.
Lots of white people in here telling you not to be offended. I wouldn’t enjoy that joke either but I also wouldn’t make jokes about my race to my husband who isn’t of said race.
Interracial couple here, married 26yrs. If you’re making racial jokes and he parrots it, you shouldn’t be offended. It sounds double standard…okay for you but not for him. Maybe you should stop the racial jokes if you’re sensitive to it.
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Wow – you kinda fucked him on that one. Pretty u fair that you make a general statement, laugh about it TOGETHER, and when he makes basically the same statement, you get pissed?!? That’s just wrong on your part.