I have a problem. I start to honest-to-goodness PANIC if a guy I’m talking to shows interest. If we are talking regularly, I’m immediately turned off and start feeling like walls are closing in on me. I get super depressed and anxious. It honestly makes me feel like crying, and not in a good way. But the moment he stops talking to me, I’m back to trying to talk to him.
The only time I will TRULY fall for him and NOT panic if he likes me back is if there are massive barriers, as follows: 1) My family will disown me for dating him. 2) He doesn’t live here, and there is no way to see him or know what he is doing. 3) I really, truly hate to admit this, but… he plays me for other women and hurts me deeply in some way. 4.) He shows me very little interest and wants absolutely nothing to do with me.
Despite these quirks, I have zero problem getting a boyfriend. I have many men asking me out. I simply cannot connect with any of them unless a barrier is stopping us from being together. I need help understanding why I am this way and what this type of romantic behavior is called. Is there a way to rehabilitate from this type of romantic preference? It causes a great deal of distress. I feel like I’ll never be happy until I can crack this romantic preference. Thank you in advance.
2 comments
It sounds like you think about this a lot, perhaps so much that you’ve made it true for yourself by using this lens to analyze every guy you talk to. But I think it’s something you can work through. My best advice is to change where you seek yours. Consider therapy to help you get to the core of this – it will take a lot more than a few paragraphs for some redditors to read to get to the bottom of this.
Look up avoidant attachment, or fearful anxious attachment. I think they’re also a subreddit for them under the same name. It’s basically childhood trauma surrounding the way your primary caregivers took care of your needs as an infant. I’m guessing you grew up feeling like you couldn’t rely on your caregivers for your needs, so you became prematurely independent. The prospect of someone being attentive to your needs and actually showing you secure love and affection feels terrifying because your brain is not wired to perceive love that way.
Edit to add: you go after people that are unavailable because it feels safe and you know what to expect: neglect and things not working out. Which is how you were raised, so it’s a comfortable space for you