I(24F) have been with Jay(27M) for five years. We both met at our old job and it was kismet. We have a friend named Dan, who has a wife Kelly. I do not like Kelly. Kelly and Jay had a one night stand a month before Jay and I started talking. He told me, and I was okay with it. It was before we got together, and I’m a big girl. The more serious Jay and I got, the harder Kelly fought for Jay’s attention. Dan, Kelly, Jay, and I were all friends at work, but I wasn’t that close with Kelly. Kelly threw a small party(not my scene so I didn’t go) and while Jay was there, Kelly kept hitting on him even though he told her countless times that what happened was over. He’s serious about me. She didn’t accept it, and tried having sex with him while her husband(ex now) was upstairs. He yelled at her, and left. Told me immediately. Kelly saw me at work the next day, and said how happy she is for me and Jay, etc. I told her if you were so happy, then why’d you try to fuck Jay? She stopped talking to me after that. I stayed cordial but I refused to interact with her unless I had to.
Eventually Dan and Kelly got together, got married. Had a few kids. Good on them. However Jay and I were looking at invites. Jay agreed with me that he didn’t want Kelly there, but in order for Dan to be Jay’s best man, Dan said Kelly had to be invited. I know it was years ago, but Kelly cheated on her ex husband with Dan, and gave up rights to her child to stay with Dan. If she’s able to do that, I don’t want someone I do not respect, nor respected my relationship to come to a ceremony where it will be about my relationship. Jay agreed with me, he doesn’t like Kelly, but tolerates her for the sake of his friendship with Dan.
Jay told Dan our stance, and he told my fiancé that it was years ago, and I need to stop being an insecure little girl. Jay told him that he’s in love with a woman who has no self respect for herself or respect for her child. She even tried seducing Jay after her and Dan got together. Dan said it wasn’t a big deal(they’re poly). Dan started screaming at Jay about how I’m just jealous of Kelly, and how I’m still bitter they had sex. Frankly I do not care that they had sex, what I care about is the blatant disrespect. I do not want someone in my wedding who doesn’t respect me or my partner. Or my partners bestfriend who I am very close to as well.
Well Jay told Dan that he wasn’t invited after the way he spoke about me. Before Jay got home, I received TONS of messages from Kelly, telling me that I was mad because Jay enjoyed her more than me, and I’d never live up to the way she satisfied him. She sent me fake screenshots of Jay messaging her asking to hook up. I know they were fake, and I was in tears by the time Jay got home. I showed him the messages, he denied it, I knew the truth, and Jay called Dan berating him, that if any of them show up to the wedding, there will be hell to pay. Now their families are calling us, saying that we’ll regret our decision and we’re a bunch of assholes for not letting the past stay in the past.
I don’t think we’re in the wrong, but I do feel incredibly guilty because this might ruin my fiancés friendship and I truly can’t wrap my mind around it.
22 comments
I think that ship has passed. Dan screamed at your s/o and seems to think the unhinged behavior of his spouse who is clearly keeping a candle lit in her heart is alright.
I dont want someone at my wedding who has repeatedly been inappropriate while you’ve been in a relationship with me is a understandable and normal boundary. The dude could have said, “Ok cool.” or “Sorry Im going to bow out as I wont come without my spouse,” and instead he threw a tantrum
This whole friendship seems awkward all around.
Poly folks can and do respect boundaries all day everyday. He’s using it as a copout to excuse bad behavior.
This bitch hits on your man constantly and is mad that you won’t invite her to the wedding??
The audacity !
Fuck em, it’s your day. Do what you want
They honestly sound like terrible friends anyway. Some “friends” are just not worth keeping.
Damn, and here I thought I had the worst fiancé’s friend.
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It’s not her place to complain. Block her.
Not sure how anyone takes the side of someone that gave up their kid for some D
You’ve got a keeper. Both Kelly and Dan are as toxic as hell. You are well rid of them. And judging from the reactions of some of your so-called “friends,” it appears that the friendship tree may need some pruning. Congratulations and have a joyous wedding!
Dan and Kelly are jerks, don’t worry about the friendship, already seems fiancé is done with Dan.
Kelly is the toxic woman no woman wants near their man,
Dan doesn’t seem a decent person for even being with her in the first place. He’s a home wrecker and had no problem with her being a shit mother to her kid as the condition to be with him.
Your fiancée’s “best friend” called you an insecure little girl because his wife is horrible person. Honestly it’s better this friendship ends. If it doesn’t it will be a constant problem in your marriage. It seems like your fiancée thinks so too. It’s ok, sometimes friendships run their course and this one has. Block them both and enjoy your married life. Be sure to have security at your wedding
When it comes to weddings, you can’t really invite someone who’s married and not invite their spouse. Regardless if you like that person or not, it’s rude.
That said, it’s probably good that you did what you did, because this problem has resolved itself for you. Dan has now shown his true colors (Kelly had a long time ago) when he resorted to insulting you. It sounds like Jay got to finally say what he has been thinking about his buddy for a long time.
So, are you in the wrong? Meh. You probably should have just not invited them in the first place. But you certainly didn’t ruin your fiancé’s friendship. Dan did that by being a total fucking asshole.
Trip to Vegas…………………………
and married when you leave for home
Wait wait. Not sure if I get the while story. Kelly was married. Tried to sleep with your bf, ok got that part definitely out of line. But then she was married and cheated on her husband with the best friend Dan. Gave up custody of her child to be with Dan- which actually sounds like it was in the kids best interest cause she’s a train wreck. But you only have issue with Kelly, 1/2 of the equation, not Dan who actively cheated with her, and is with someone who would give up her child? You didn’t have an issue with Dan until he stuck up for his gf?
I’m sorry, why is your fiancée friends with this Dan guy? He seems like a jerk with terrible taste in women. Block them and everyone giving you crap.
It is your special day. You don’t want toxic people there. I have a feeling the only reason Kelly wanted to go to the wedding was so that she could try sabotage it for you. Judging by the fact that she tried to send you fake messages about Jay wanting to hook up with her, it sounds like she is the one still stuck in the past.
You don’t need to feel guilty about ruining your fiancé’s friendship. Jay is a big boy and can decide for himself who he wants to be friends with and who he doesn’t.
Look, there may be some bad history here with Kelly. She may be a shit person but wtf did you think was gonna happen when you told Dan that you both considered his wife shitty enough to exclude from the wedding….but….he could come. You set up all this drama and are shocked at all the drama.
Don’t feel guilty, OP. Dan and Kelly aren’t the type of people you should have in your life at all, much less at your wedding.
Dust your shoulder off, give a little extra lovings (😉) to Jay for having your back and standing up for your relationship, and close the door on Dan, Kelly, and their families.
You’re better off.
I like the way Jay told Dan he wasn’t invited bc he disrespected you. What a man. Kelly should never be invited, she had no respect for you and Jay. Glad you guys came to a conclusion together. They wanted to turn Jay against you and failed miserably lool. Ignore all the drama and negative vibes. You guys are better off without them in your life. Take care!
Updateme!
In no way are you ruining your fiancé’s friendships, his friends are doing that all on their own.
Yooooo. I hate “poly people” like that. I full disclosure, am a poly/ Ethical non monogamous guy. People like that give people like most of us a bad name. I assure you, most of us are just regular high moral people.
Yes, it’s fine that she’s doing her thing, but what isn’t fine is that she has no respect for the boundaries of her friends. She’s using poly as a shield to be a crappy person. The safe and respectful way to play is at the most conservative persons level. As you said, she has no self respect, therefore she will be unable to respect anyone or anything else.
These people are toxic. Let them stay home while you dance and eat cake. Saves you money anyway.
I mean, it was shit of you to tell Dan he couldn’t bring his wife. If he’s that close that Jay wants him as best man you deal with his wife coming or you don’t ask. Unless it’s because of abuse you don’t tell someone their spouse can’t come. If you don’t want the spouse to come you don’t invite them – period.
So you were definitely wrong to ask what you did.
As for the screenshots, hopefully they’re fake. Though I’m not quite sure why they made you cry if you knew they are fake.
I’m confused, did Jay and Kelly cheat on someone?