This happened 1.5 years ago when we were living apart due to covid, there was a few times while masturbating that the thought of her best friend (who was also my friend) would enter my head and sometimes I would entertain the fantasy a bit in my head, sometimes thinking about her and my girlfriend together, however, on 1 occasion in the heat of the moment I actually brought up a (non-explicit) photo of the three of us.
I definitely felt gross and ashamed after and immediately recognised that i honestly wasn’t even that attracted to her, it was like I gave in to sexual impulse in the moment in the middle of masturbating, I haven’t done this since obviously and sort of forgot about it but looking back on it now I feel like this was really inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour.
We’ve recently actually talked about boundaries in our relationship and stuff and fantasies etc and agreed that fantasising about other people is 100% OK but if it came to fantasising about our best friends then that’s a bit close to home and would be grossly inappropriate and we agreed with each other that while it wouldn’t be cheating or anything unforgivable, it would need to be talked about and stopped. However in this moment I honestly didn’t remember that I’d done that before because it was 1.5 years ago.
How do I deal with this mentally and move forward? Me and my gf are very happy going over 4 years and while I knew she’d be disgusted by the act and maybe hurt by it I don’t think it’s worth upsetting her and potentially harming the relationship by bringing it up? Appreciate any advice.
For what it’s worth neither of us are friends with this girl now but we were then. I have bad intrusive thought OCD and this has been on my mind constantly lately.
TL:DR I thought about my girlfriend while masturbating 1.5 years ago and I can’t shake feeling guilty about it.
4 comments
we are all human with sexual impulses, this SINGULAR moment you had has nothing to do with how much you value your girlfriend. and it was only fantasy.
however, if you do have ocd, this post is just reassurance seeking. you will read my comment and it will alleviate your anxiety over this for a very short while and then you will be back to square one.
at the end of the day, what you did was no problem. the problem is your ocd. you don’t feel bad because of what you did (and no one really would, not to this intensity) your ocd makes you feel bad about what you did.
This an OCD and intrusive thoughts issue. Not a relationship issue.
You had an inpporpraite private sexual thought and action years ago, which you stopped and know not to engage in again. Feel some guilt is understandable. Fixating now is not rational. This doesn’t require discussion with anyone else. You only hurt you, and you resolved the problematic behavior.
Deal with your current feelings teh way you’d deal with other destructive, intrusive thoughts.
You didn’t anything wrong my dude, it’s completely normal in relationships to list over others from time to time. It’s only a fantasy, and you didn’t act on it at all.
you’re way overthinking this. despite the convo you both talked over it shouldn’t be her business what you fantasize about or vise versa. thinking about someone else while masturbating is not cheating. if i were you i would try & forget about it & not bring it up. nothing actually happened so if you bring it up to your gf you will be making a reason for her to be worried bc she’ll think that if it’s significant enough to bring up that maybe there was more going on. there’s a reason why even couples who love together tend to keep their masturbating habits/ thoughts to themselves. not everything needs to be shared & sometimes sharing everything can even be damaging to the relationship by turning it into a bigger deal.