I’ve been using online dating for a year. It’s a major theme I’ve noticed.
Go out on a 1st date with a woman. She texts afterwards saying how much of a lovely time she had and how much she wants to see me again.
We go out a few days later, and then I’m hit with the “I don’t think I’m really feeling this. Good luck out there.” Even though I’m literally the same exact dude I was a few days prior.
I see posts ALL the time on the dating subs of confused guys who get rejected out of nowhere. I was just reading one recently of a guy who had sex with this woman on the 3rd date, and she friend zones him the morning of their 4th date.
As a man, my attraction to a woman is pretty stable. As long as she stays pretty and nice, I like her.
But women’s attraction seems to change like bipolar Texas weather.
Is there a reason for this?
44 comments
I’ve been rejected by guys out of nowhere too
Women can’t be as open with how they’re feeling during dating. The guy is ultimately just a stranger, and thus poses a risk to her.
There have been many women who have been stalked, attacked, raped, etc…just for rejecting a mams advances.
So for safety reasons, women can’t be as upfront. They’ll say they had a great time but later say they’d rather be friends etc.
Two words online dating
Women on dating apps have so many options & date multiple guys so they treat men they interact with like they’re not valued. I took a girl to the movies a month ago, made out with her , she let me suck her tities & I was told through text “this isn’t gonna work out” & was ghosted from there. I’m done with dating apps, people on the app are flaky, ghosty, selfish & inconsiderate.
Sounds like these women are giving you a chance but after a couple dates they realize you’re not right for them. So overall, it’s probably your personality isn’t a match for theirs.
That’s the problem with dating apps or online dating.
Too many potential options = too many reasons to bail for anything.
It might not even be something wrong you did. It could be as simple as “I’m not feeling this dude within 3 messages so I’ll just move on.”
That sounds absurd to think but when you have many options, people will often move on for the smallest of reasons because there is always another option right around the corner
It definitely happens both ways. Sometimes you just don’t click with everyone you meet.
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I’ve been flaked on multiple times by guys as well. Feelings change constantly because they’re based all around emotions and you’re never one emotion constantly.
Women are actively looking for reasons or red flags to disqualify you during the initial stages of talking/meeting. There could be hundreds of potential things about you that are a turn off. And not one turn off is necessarily the same between different women. You just are not compatible.
Saying that you just want someone whose pretty and nice is the bare minimum for a relationship. There’s values, connection, etc. These women probably realized that you’re not for them for whatever reason (maybe values didn’t match, etc)
>We go out a few days later, and then I’m hit with the “I don’t think I’m really feeling this. Good luck out there.”
She had fun, but wasn’t sure. Gave you another try, her feelings were validated. She might like you as a person, but not attracted to you.
Men do this, too. It’s dating.
She’s don’t like u. It’s table when she does.
If you’re still in the dating phase, and the woman tells you that it’s not going for her the way she’d hoped, how is that unstable? What is the definition of stability to you? Are you saying that just because you went on a few dates now you guys are somehow bound to each other and HAVE to date each other?
Women cut off men for the same reasons men cut off women – after getting to know them they don’t think it’s a good match, which brings me to:
>As long as she stays pretty and nice, I like her
Do you realize that women have their own definition of ‘pretty and nice’ when it comes to men? What I mean by that is that we also have our own criteria to men – as long as the man is X and Y, i like him. If the woman ends things with you, you dont meet her X and Y requirement (whatever they might be for her specifically).
I think if people were a little bit more critical in their thinking, we would have a lot fewer posts like these.
It’s not about women being unstable in their attraction to men, some really know what they want and it comes down to not wanting to waste your time.
Closer scrutiny. That sounds so much better than what I was going to say.
You’re making the assumption that this has to do something with attraction, when in reality, if a woman is talking to you and going on dates with you there already is some level of attraction there for her.
In all likelihood the reason why these women fall off after a couple of dates is because they’ve come to the conclusion the two of you are not compatible. You are not what she is looking for. I would say you should up your standards to the same level. Just because a woman is pretty and nice, does not mean she is someone worse dating. Same goes for men.
There’s always a hotter f*ck boy who sparks her emotions better.
My guess is it’s all about FOMO (Fear of missing out)
These days so many people are using dating apps. Essentially, it’s online shopping for people.
The more options one has the less of a hurry they are to want to *settle down with one person*.
Someone “better” might come along and they will have already committed to another.
Therefore, they see their options as: string multiple people along until they feel especially good about one of them or eliminate them as soon as a better prospect pops up on their radar.
The less time someone spends with another the less obligated they feel to explain themselves.
***”Dating is primarily a numbers game…. People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That’s just the way it is.”*** – Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
Honestly as a guy I have both experienced and done it myself. Sometimes you just have a fun time but when it is over that spark quickly disappears. IDK why, I assume online dating is a problem because of having new options and that could be why guys experience it more.
Probably found what she considers to be a better match. The system does inspire dating multiple people and picking one when you find what you want. Inside the first few dates, I see this as pretty normal.
Online dating provides women with hundreds or thousands of matches. Most of the time women don’t have to pay for dates. They can go on as many dates each week as they want as long as they are willing to give up some time. It’s easy to toss decent people aside in hope for someone slightly better when the queue is endless.
You are the because
You’re probably coming out too strong with each date you get. Don’t assume you’ve started something with a girl until she literally has “the conversation” with you. Until she literally says to you “we’re an item” assume she’s on the market and you’re just another-dude-she-liked-on-tinder away from getting ghosted or friend-zoned. My advise, date as many women simultaneously as you can, that way it won’t feel like anything when this happens
Because by the time you get back from the toilet, they already have 5 messages from other dudes. It’s almost like they are on a never ending quest for the ultimate non existent partner.
>As long as she stays pretty and nice, I like her.
This is probably the source of your problems, not “women”, this.
The nice part is understandable depending on what you mean. Nice in a stupid way, meaning she’ll let you get away with whatever… no. Nice in a kind way, meaning she had a good heart and treat you well, okay. I’m here for it.
The pretty part though. My dude, does this mean that if for any reason her looks change you won’t like her anymore? Did you make this known on dates? Because this screams instability and not someone you want to consider settling down with.
Also, it’s all so shallow. What about how you feel about her? How she feels about you? Clearly you’re missing the importance of that part and that’s why things dry up between you and your interests. I say it time and time again, THE SPARK is important. To you, nice and pretty are enough. To the women you’re seeing, it’s not. Sounds like you either need to reevaluate everything, or find someone who’s on the same wavelength.
Attraction isn’t “unstable” there’s something about your personality that is off putting. Something that comes out the more you get comfortable with people.
Y’all aren’t exclusive or committed. She’s just not into you and/or likes someone else more. Welcome to how this life really works.
>Why is a woman’s attraction to a man so unstable
Maybe because you project a weird attitude about women being unstable? They’re not unstable. They just lost interest in you. It’s a you problem, not a them problem.
Women actually care about personality so our attraction grows or wanes as we get to know you.
Men mostly care about a woman’s physical appearance so their attraction only changes if you gain weight, age, get sick, etc. so it’s more stable in the short term but less stable over the long term (e.g. 10-30 years).
Also, most men are bad at sex and don’t know how to properly and frequently perform oral sex so many women lose interest after a sexual encounter. Also, many men don’t groom and invest in their appearance.
A few reasons.
There’s another guy that put on a better show. Probably the most likely case from here.
The date didn’t actually go as well as you thought. For example, someone might just talk about themselves all the time and think it was a great conversation.
You take too long to pull the trigger and it gets boring. You gotta try to kiss/fuck at some point man.
If 4 girls were trying to date you, and you went on 4 good dates, is it unreasonable for you to text one of them that you enjoyed the date but then choose another?
Speaking from personal experience (as a full-time woman)
She probably found something out she doesn’t like. It could literally be anything. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a reflection of you as a person, just something she either doesn’t find attractive or it could be something she was looking for that you don’t have.
As woman that knows what she likes and doesn’t, Im pretty quick to let go of anything or anyone that doesn’t fit my wants or needs.
I’ll give you some personal examples of various situations I had while dating. Keep in mind I am in my almost mid 20s, so Im sure I have a lot to learn.
Guy1: We met on Tinder and talked extensibly for a few days before meeting up. It was a decent first date, we had a good time, but I just didn’t quite click with him. So that was our first and last date.
And this was the same for a few other men I date, that spark just wasn’t there or very quickly deminished.
Guy2: I actually dated this person for a few weeks. When we met I really liked it him, we talked for a few days and eventually became bf & gf. One time we were walking to his house and he bent down to get something, and I saw his underwear, along with a VERY pronounced skid mark. That was it for me. I was done haha.
Guy3: This guy I was immediately drawn to, in a I want to get to know you kind of way. We went on a first date, it was amazing, i can honestly say it’s one of the best dates I’ve been on in my life so far. We talked for hours about everything and anything. We texted throughout the days until we were able to go on another date. It was also an amazing date, felt like love at first sight. He was sweet, smart, handsome, funny… All the things. But at the end of the night there was a situation that I found to be a HUGE red flag. He accompanied me to the parking garage where I had my car, i thought we were about to say our goodbyes, but he got in my car and said he couldn’t wait for me to drive him (we live in a major city, so he has never needed a car or learnt how to drive) I had to get going home asap, so I explained this to him very politely, thinking I could just drive him a round some other time since I was in a rush. This man babbled something angrily and rapidly got out of my car loudly slamming the door and walked away. I just sat in my car in disbelief. Needless to say I never saw him again.
I feel like Im ranting now, but yeah, all that to say that there’s always a reason, while you find it valid or not doesn’t matter. And you have that same freedom too by the way. I wouldn’t take personal offense to it. Would you rather have your time wasted? I’m assuming not. Good luck out there!
We have to give chances to people we are not attracted to in hopes something develops but that doesn’t happen the majority of the times. If we only agreed on dates with people who we find physically attractive at first glance we could never go on dates lol. The discrepancy in physical attractiveness between men an woman is just wayyyyy too much. At least in my country.
I’m sorry, but “pretty and nice” are adjectives of a friend. You can check all of boxes, but if there isn’t a spark, it’s a no.
Yes this is just a part of dating, but there is a gendered part of it, too. There are enough men who demand an explanation and then argue it’s not a good enough reason then put a ton of pressure on a woman to change her mind. There are enough men who get really angry when they are rejected and even respond with violence. There are enough men who get vindictive, immediately start insulting or lashing out to try and hurt a woman who rejects them.
Maybe it’s just a benign incompatibility and she’s trying to spare your feelings, maybe she’s learned that it’s not safe to get into a whole dating post-mortem examination with a guy. Either way, there will be lots of times you’re not going to get an explanation.
The thing that can help is when you realize that you don’t need one. Rejection stings and morbid curiousity drives you to want to know why. But very rarely is it something that would be helpful to know, and might just be hurtful. Instead, you can just respect that her needs and your needs aren’t matching, and move on to find someone else
i love how you’re just assuming that they haven’t discovered any new information about you between dates. presumably you’re talking occasionally, you have social media, getting to know someone is not as easy as “oh i know everything i need to know about you after 3 dates”. plus your criteria sounds incredibly shallow and not very interesting. i certainly wouldn’t feel special if my husband said he continued dating me because i was “pretty and nice”. like yeah, so are lots of girls, what is it you like about THIS girl.
Most people care about more than their partner being attractive or nice. This feels like the absolute bare minimum. I know I wouldn’t want to be with someone who only cared about that and nothing else. People can change their feelings at any time and women don’t owe it to you to stay interested in you just because they were at some point.
Was going to comment and give some sage advice. Until your last comment.
“As long as she stays pretty and nice.”
Your personality needs a huge over haul. Bordering on the nice guy way of life and that comes across quite as you’d expect in the realm of dating. Rejection. Repeat cycle of nice guy routine. Rejection. And you get the picture.
A lot of corny Twitter stuff on this thread…
Maybe she realized you weren’t pretty or nice
If I got the sense on a date that all my date saw/ wanted was for me to be pretty and nice, I’d say thanks and good luck too. Relationships are so much more complex than how a person looks and whether they’re nice on a first date. Maybe they’re picking up on the fact that pretty/nice is the extent of the depth to be reached and decide to move on. I would. And have.
After one date, you’re still a stranger. After a few dates, you’re still a stranger. The more she gets to know you, it will change how she sees you, whether she’s attracted to you initially or not.
For example: I met a friend of friends who seemed cool and, before meeting, I thought he was cute and we had a lot in common.
We were both excited to finally meet, so the first date was all good. Had a few more dates and got to know some things about him that pretty suddenly gave me the ick (he made a face like something I loved was the weirdest thing ever, told me he was aiming to be a millionaire when he retires, only talked about the new car he was getting, was only poly when the woman wanted to be, his last girlfriend was a stripper 15 years younger than him, always insisted on paying, and I found out he dressed in a way that hid his actual body shape). Not deal-breakers for everyone, but not for me – so that was that.
Attraction is one thing, but you also have to have personality traits and morals and views and future plans and things in common and sex compatibility that align. Please stop telling yourself in a woe-is-me way that women are so fickle they’re just ‘suddenly not attracted to you anymore’, that’s not how it works.
We’re not all the same and there’s more to us than pretty and nice. You also describe behaviors men do.
A person can have a lovely time and want more. Then the second date help decide they aren’t a fit.
The one you mention might have only wanted the one time.