Understand this is a tricky subject, so I’ll try to describe this rationally. My long-term (and long distance) girlfriend recently served as a bridesmaid in a couple weddings this year and to be honest they were both immensely uncomfortable for me.
In concept it’s a great feeling getting invited and I was genuinely excited for her going into both, but seeing everything play out just wrecked me emotionally for this reason:
* **Jealousy:** We’ve been dating forever and I have 100% confidence that she won’t cheat on me, full stop. However, there’s just this raw emotion that comes up when she gets paired with a groomsmen who basically gets to pretend that they’re dating for the night (flirting with her, getting their own dance, hanging out for the bulk of the time). I’m secure in our relationship, and know I’m going home with her, but is it invalid to just get fed up about this? I don’t take it out on her overtly (not her fault at all), but I just feel like garbage throughout the night and am feeling down for most of the wedding. I get the whole idea of “if you trusted her this shouldn’t bother you” but, like, it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with being forced to watch a guy get his way with my SO while I sit in a room where I’m not wanted.
Sorry for the diatribe – again, I’m not trying to throw a pity party here and I clearly feel like a jerk, but her response after bringing it up was that I’m wrong for feeling these emotions in the first place. It also doesn’t help that I’m generally a pretty reserved person (somewhat uncomfortable talking with a bunch of strangers, not a big dancer) to compound the issue.
Am I being insecure here or can anyone else relate? How can I fix this without just telling myself I shouldn’t feel this way?
22 comments
I’ve actually never seen this thing where bridesmaids and groomsmen get “paired up” in real life before. I’ve only seen it rarely in movies. That seems weird as hell to me tbh.
Also, if she actually told you you are “wrong” for feeling emotions then she’s pretty immature and shitty.
You’re not alone mate, can relate to this situation somewhat. Your emotions are valid as are hers. My advice though would be whatever you choose to do, do it with maturity and resist the urge to resort to reacting with anger, you will feel much better about it later if you do I can promise you that much.
You’re saying you’re secure in your relationship, but jealousy is a sign of insecurity. If you trust your girlfriend completely, there’s absolutely no need to be jealous.
Just to clarify, you are at these weddings as well? Being a bridesmaid/groomsmen doesn’t mean you’re attached to that person for the entire event. I’ve been a groomsman before, walk down the isle, stand there for a bit, do one dance, then go be with my wife.
Sounds like the groomsman was better looking than you. If she’s going to leaves then she’s going to leave. You pouring at a wedding g where she’s having fun isn’t going to help. And if the boundaries that you need to feel comfortable with her include her not hanging out with her friends on their wedding date then that seems like it might be a you issue
I’ll start with your pipe dream:
>How can I fix this without just telling myself I shouldn’t feel this way?
You can’t. And going on to the rest:
If you can’t feel secure in your relationship after saying:
>I’m secure in our relationship
Then you’ll never feel secure. Your jealousy is no concern of your partner unless she’s doing anything to manifest that feeling (and from your post I don’t feel like she’s doing that.
You need to get over yourself and your feelings of insecurity. _You_ are making yourself feel this way.
If you feel really insecure about it because of reasons you haven’t described here it’s probably something you need to discuss with your partner, or, tbh, figure it out for yourself.
Personally I think that sounds hella insecure, but that’s just me.
I don’t really know what to do about it, my only advice would be to just try and have a good time and enjoy the wedding, get drunk, dance, act a fool, forget about your girlfriend, she’ll be fine, and she could always just NOT do this if she didn’t want to, so it’s not like she’s being forced to be close to another man, if she felt uncomfortable i could see why you’d be concerned, but it obviously doesn’t bother her, and if you’re secure about everything, there’s no reason it should bother you, it’s just a traditional celebratory thing, all in good fun, nothing skeevy.
>**being forced to watch a guy get his way with my SO** while I sit in a room where I’m not wanted.
Is your gf a porn actress? I don’t understand this statement. Most weddings do not involve a groomsman “getting his way” with a woman…
Your feelings are justified but your way to tackle it is wrong.
If you see someone flirting with her, make it to the dude absolutely clear that she’s taken and you won’t be tolerating this But try not to make a scene and confront the dude not in front of her. Be subtle about it.
If you can get involved in wedding preparations, do get involved. Maybe not as groomsmen, maybe something else.
Or turn the tables on her and do get involved as groomsman but don’t pair up with her and pair up with someone else. Maybe light and healthy flirting with someone else would help.
She is probably enjoying the attention from other guys, let’s see what happens when you start getting the same amount of attention from other women.
It’s pretty weird that they were paired up the whole night, unless that’s what they specifically wanted to do. If that’s the case, why did she invite you?
Before all these ‘secure’ dudes start jumping down your throat, sexual jealousy is 100% a characteristic we have found common to all humans; it’s one of like four things that extends beyond race, nationality, culture, language, etc.
So, I think that’s pretty normal.
> I’m secure in our relationship
You certainly don’t sound like it
You say you’re secure… but you’re not if you’re getting jealous. It’s a wedding for gods sake, not a strip club 🙃 it’s common for the wedding party to all dance together. And I find nothing wrong with my husband dancing with other girls and he doesn’t have a problem with me doing it either. It’s just such a silly thing to be jealous over
You just handled it wrong mate. Jealousy is a paradox. All women want to know that their guy gets a little jealous in certain harmless situations like walking down an isle as a bridesmaid with a groomsman that’s not you. At the same time, zero women want to be controlled by your jealousy in harmless situations like walking down an isle with a groomsman that’s not you.
And, they weren’t paired up all night like a fictitious fantasy couple. They had to perform wedding acts as a bridesmaid and groomsman. Your mind blew this up.
Let me guess, you decided to talk to her about your emotions, which she probably wants to hear about overall, right? She’s probably asked you to share, right? And, here’s probably how you did it. “I didn’t like you hanging out with that guy all night. It made me feel jealous and I wanted you to stop. I don’t think you should be a bridesmaid anymore because I don’t like the way it makes me feel”. WTF is she supposed to do with that? Shrink her world down to your size? Nah, her only option is to argue with how stupid you are, and your relationship just got damaged.
The right way…”Babe, you were smok’n hot in that dress last night. It killed me watching you dance with that goofball groomsman who got to spend 48 of 24 hours with you. Tell me, when are you going to give me my little piece of you?” Here, she feels big, you share the paradox in an exaggerated and playful way, her world grows to her size, you aren’t controlling, she knows you want her, and she gets the option to deliver. Your relationship just got better.
Wait… why are they “paired up” the whole night!? 😂 never seen this before. Usually it’s like 10 minutes and you go your separate ways…
I don’t really understand the situation- bridesmaids and groomsmen don’t generally “pretend” to be a couple for the evening of the wedding… am I missing something?
Just know that the wedding you went to is very unusual. I’ve been a groomsman once, and attended a wedding with my girlfriend as a Bridesmaid, and in none of those weddings did groomsmen and bridesmaids remained paired up after the ceremony. That’s insane in-fact because normally these people have SO, maybe even married themselves, so by introducing this biz are rule, you are alienating the wedding party’s SOs.
I understand feelings shitty about this. It’s okay to feel what you felt, they alienated, it wasn’t normal, it was fucking lame. Just know that it’s all over, you almost certainly won’t have to do that again, and just try and move forward knowing it’s in the past now and isn’t your problem anymore.
Thanks all for the insight / criticism – trying to fully read into both sides here and figure out the best way to change myself going forward. My main concern isn’t defending my actions but rather figuring out why the pain keeps happening (and how to fix it).
Shifting my mindset might be tough (tried doing so going into the second one, still had a similar gut reaction), but I think a combination of therapy / getting on the same page emotionally might be the best route.
I think you’re being a little insecure, but it’s not because of the groomsman. I think you may be chafing at the long distance and it’s upsetting you on some level. Is there any way you could move closer to her or something?
Gotta tell you, Unpopular opinion but 99% of weddings could be described as one big uncomfortable cringe fest with people made to do shit they don’t really want to do, and made to face the wrath of bridezilla and co if they do speak up.
I’ve been in a wedding party. I was paired up with two men, neither of which were my boyfriend.
I didn’t see my boyfriend during the photos, the church business or the dinner…
But the rest of the night? We danced and hung out together. There is no requirement for her to flirt with anyone. That’s not normal!!!!
I’m guessing these were both weddings where the bridal party sat at their own table, yes? That always tends to make dates of the bridal party that aren’t involved a little put out, but shouldn’t really invoke jealousy if your relationship is healthy. At most just create a healthy longing to be having fun with your partner, but you should realize she’s just doing her bridesmaid duties. If your date spent all her free time with you and dancing with you then it should be no big deal. If she was free from her bridesmaid obligations and still only hung out with her “paired” groomsman that would be a problem. HOWEVER, if she wanted to dance with you once she was free and you refused, then that is 100% on you. I’ve seen that guy sitting there throwing himself a pity party and stewing in jealously, but he refuses to get up and dance with his date. I’ve made many a guy jealous because their date danced with me despite both her and I trying to coax them onto the dance floor. Typically once I saw the jealousy on their face I would turn it into a group dance to minimize their anger, but it always turned into an argument later for those couples.