How should I let my family know I am not financially capable to provide for them?

48 comments

1. The rent for the family home, the school fees and your brothers education is NOT your debt to pay. Your parents had children, it’s there responsibility.

2. If I didn’t know people like you in the exact same situations, I’d probably think this was a joke or fiction. But I believe you and even more, I believe your mother & brother actually DO believe that you can make this happen.

   In my culture, we call this “Black Tax”. Very prevalent and no amount of psychoanalysis or reasoning will ever be able to turn this primitive, exploitative, abusive mentality around. The ONLY thing that you can do in this situation is to disappear from their lives. That is the only true way to focus on your studies, work, life. The alternative is to live with a woman who’s quite frankly dangerous and detrimental to your mental health. Good luck

3. You need to move out. Pay your own rent and see how they cope when you’re not there to help them financially. If they ask for money say you don’t have any.

4. You need to live elsewhere and honestly have as little contact with your mother as possible. How has no one else brought up that she tried to stab you?!

   You need to accept that you can’t argue her(/them, but it seems like mostly her) into understanding reason, because she won’t accept it. It’s one of those important life things that you have to learn to accept that even if you explain things to people logically, there are going to be people who do not want to hear it and just by engaging with them, you’re also kinda losing.

   It’s time to start separating your life from them, before they drown you. No subsidizing their lifestyles, work on your schooling and your life.

5. Why would you even consider paying for all this? It’s physically impossible to support that and if my mum told me to pay for rent and my siblings education while refusing to get a job herself I’d just blanket refuse

6. NYU is incredibly expensive. So is living in NYC. Just bc your brother wants to go there, it’s not your problem to make it happen. You are 17 years old. Your own life is ahead of you. Please don’t agree to do this. It’s not fair to you.

7. You didn’t ask to be here so financially it’s not your responsibility to take care of your mother or brother. She is selfish for putting such responsibilities on you when your 17. Your main focus should be finishing school & that’s it.

8. Get away from them. But if that’s not an option, I’d create a financial break down showing how much you make vs how much they want. Even if you spend all your money on them and their wants, it never will be enough. Both literally and your mom will still expect more. You don’t owe them anything

9. Tell mom that you are not responsible for her or your brother’s expenses and she needs to get off her butt and start working and cutting down on expenses.

10. I’m really sorry you have to go through something like this, it sounds like you are under a lot of pressure and this is not how things should be. Threatening someone with a knife is an actual crime (not to mention abusive and many other things), and it must have been shattering for you to experience someone that close do that to you.

    Please be safe, and make sure to protect yourself. None of this is your responsibility, and you should never have to feel like you have to give something back because as a kid you are not responsible for any choices the grown ups make. Children are the parent’s responsibility, not the opposite.

    I don’t know what resources you have at hand, but please make sure to plan a safe route if you’re getting out, like check to see if any organisations or anything that can be of support to you, is there any emergency help you could get just to be able to get back on your feet, are you able to hide some money in a safe place etc..

    Wish you the best of luck, and take care <3

11. Keep saying “yes, of course” and then the moment you turn 18 move out and cut them all off.

12. Show them the math. Add up the income and expenses and show them it isn’t possible. It doesn’t matter what they want if that isn’t the reality. I could tell people that you are going to give me $1000 a week, but that won’t make it happen.

13. Pay for rent only if you are living there, if your not it is not your problem, as an adult if you were unable to prepare for the later part of your life than that is your fault. (Speaking towards your family, now you).

14. Run, as fast as you can like Fiona Apple. Let them know what to expect from you right before you run. If you give too much time in between telling them and running, they might convince you not to run or guilt you into staying. But I understand the need to let them know, so just tell them right before you run and don’t look back. I don’t know if you’re able to really run completely and get away or if you would even be emotionally capable of that, but it’s such an unfair situation for you to be put in at such a young age. I’m a single mother of four kids and my oldest just turned 13. So I could very well not know what I’m talking about, but if I found out that the other parent was putting my kid in the situation when they should be focused on buckling down for their future I would keep them away as much as is in my power.

15. NYU and rent is probably going to be like 50k a year. Your mom is delusional

16. Your mother is a delusional person that is over entitled. You are not your mothers caretaker it is your mothers lack of financial aptitude that is causing the money problem. They need to live in their means. I feel sorry for your brother as what he needs to do is get loans for school if he wants to learn overseas he can get a job to support himself like you do. You need to be able to get your education too and not worry about him or your mother

17. Listen. You have to find a way out. Keep the peace any way you can till then but find a way out and cut them all off.

18. The last sentence is incredibly concerning (edit: I meant the last paragraph about your mum being violent. Not you being Chinese 💀 Anyway:) I would move out asap and maybe get some professionals involved for your younger brother and maybe even your grandparents. Your mother is manipulating them out of their retirement by promising you will take care of them eventually.

19. So you HAVE to support mom who refuses to work and little brother and his dreams of going to a certain expensive school. Why are you responsible for her when she’s not responsible for her own parents or children? You’re only 17. GET OUT. I’m sorry for your grandparents but they created that monster and you deserve to have a life, not support all of them just because you were brought into this world. Don’t share your plans with anyone and just do it as soon as you’re 18.

20. She wants to mooch off of you for the rest of her life, like she did to her own parents and probably expected her ex-husband to.

    You need to break that cycle. Don’t offer her, or your brother, anything once you turn 18. Take care of your own shit, if you want a relationship with your grandparents still I bet you can talk to them.

    But don’t spare another cent for your mother!

21. Your family, for whatever reason are being EXTREMELY INDENIAL of their financial situation. They are UNWILLING to compromise and make sound financial decisions. They are TOO PROUD TO WORK, to proud to do anything right. Then they have the AUDACITY to guilt trip you into paying your brothers tuition when you are managing to go to school, while working at the same time, WITH 2 JOBS!!!!!!. No matter what you say to these people, THEY WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE MISERABLE 💯. My advice? Start to look for a place to live. Because no matter how you lay it down, they will ram you down your throat what a failure and disappointment you are for not helping your brother. Doesn’t matter if you give your brother advise of other film schools that are affordable, Doesn’t matter if you found a film school somewhere in Europe. NOPE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM cause it gotta be NYU. If he wants to go there, he needs to work his ass off for a scholarship. But if your family is unwilling to get a job and move somewhere affordable, DON’T EXPECT HIM to be realistic about what is financial feasible. THEY ARE A LOST CAUSE. So, please OP, MOVE OUT. They will drag you down for being honest and make your life hell just by trying to make it in this world.

22. You are 17. She is a grown ass woman. Tell her to grow up. Quite frankly, she’s using you as child labour and THAT is far more disgusting than her having to, heaven forbid, WORK to fund HER lifestyle. I stress hers because you are working and studying. You get no benefit but she does.

23. I mean… NYU with room and board for an international student is going to be in the range of $90K. Unless you are omitting a very lucrative career from this post, your mother’s demands that you pay this + her rent + your own tuition and expenses are going to be self-resolving in the sense that you can’t. Like, you literally just can’t. You don’t really need to convince her of this because this money doesn’t exist, you cannot possibly earn it at part time jobs aged 17 and no bank is going to lend it to you. So she can continue living in her dream world until the day she wants the money and then she will *have* to face the fact that it isn’t happening. So don’t spend too much energy on trying to figure out how to reason with an unreasonable person.

    What you *do* need to do is spend every minute working on saving for an escape plan from a household where *someone tried to stab you*. Your mother sounds extremely unstable and the only safe place is somewhere she can’t physically reach you. Every bit of your energy should be going into figuring out how to live completely independently of *the person who tried to stab you* the moment you are legally free to do so.

24. Coming from an Asian household, all I can say is don’t fall for ANY guilt trip trick. My mom also guilt tripped me into paying for my younger brother when he grows up, and since all my education is paid for by scholarships or by my dad, the only trick she could come up with was “Oh so You refuse to pay for him because you don’t love him“ . Utter bullshit

25. Is this a joke? Why do you owe them this? You could just as easily demand they support you – there is no logic that can explain why that is any sillier than you just supporting her freeloading ass.

26. You’re still technically a child, for your mother to expect this from you is actual insanity. This is not your responsibility. Please don’t pay for anything you don’t want to with money that you have earned.

    You need to get out of this situation as soon as physically possible. Your mother has shown she is willing to inflict serious physical harm on you.

27. I think it’s hard for a lot of western people to understand that simply going out on your own is incredibly difficult for you, and people from the western world see the solution of you leaving your family and you not being responsible for them as a simple decision that is logical. I’d like to mention to everyone commenting to consider being more culturally sensitive and starting from there. Thank you.

    I would start by showing your mom all of the financial information and telling her that making up the difference is simply impossible for you alone and you need help but you’re willing to do what you can. I know that won’t be easy. You think that’s possible?

28. These aren’t your problems. These are your parents problems. You do not need to take on the additional stresses of someone else when you have your whole life ahead of you.
    If you can help out, good. Do that, but it’s not your responsibility to take on all this.

29. Bruh….you’re not gonna be able to take care of yourself and pay for your brother to live in NYC let alone go to school there. Somebody needs to slap your parents. 😂

30. u/LRASshifts you are legally a child and your parent attacked you with a weapon. Go and tell your teachers this on Monday (or call Childline 0800 1111, who can help you sooner).

    You need and deserve help.

31. This isn’t the move at all, stack that cash for yourself, it’s your money. If people want things they will have to work for those themselves, if you can’t afford to pay the rent for everyone maybe you can pay the rent for just you and have a financially responsible roommate.

32. The fact that you are 17 and forced to pay all of these bills is crazy to me

33. >I cannot fall into an argument with my mother because she tried stabbing me with a knife the last time we had a fight

    Buried the lede here. It’s not safe for you to live with your mother. Get out, for your safety.

34. I’d suggest you post on a UK subreddit like r/legaladviceuk to find out what help you can get

35. Nobody your age should be supporting a family. Your mother got pregnant and had these children. She needs to find a way to support them. Not the other way around. Disgraceful. Chinese culture is not okay with this arrangement.

36. Your mother threatens you with a knife?? First of all you need to tell an adult about your situation. Maybe someone on your school that can help you cause this situation is not normal.

    You do not have to financially support your mother and brother. Your mother is the parent. She needs to get a job and provide for YOU not the other way around.

    Edit: also look into some kind of elder abuse protection for your grandparents

37. You’re 17 and they want you to pay for everything? Tf? Your mom sounds entitled. I’d make enough to move out and run far away

38. Jesus Christ leave. I know you were raised to care for your family but this is not good. You are literally a small child. Why are you expected too pay for your mom’s refusal to provide for her children??

    Also what your mother is doing is elder abuse. I’m very sorry you are going through this and that my words sound rough but it is what you need to do if you want to survive.

39. Your mother is going to work you to death and actively destroy everything you’ve ever wanted for yourself if you let her. She’s made this very clear. You will not have a future if you keep her in your life. She will do anything and everything she can to manipulate you into destroying yourself for her personal benefit.

    I suggest you don’t let her.

40. Survive until you can get out. Don’t support them, don’t pay for anything, don’t accept pay or support from anyone. Say nothing of your plans except a little “ha that’s unrealistic, I can’t afford that”. If you’re mom is abusive enough to pull a knife on you (that is abusive) no amount of convincing will do anything, you just need to step away and not enable her.

    The second you turn 18, you move. Do NOT tell them where you live. Minimal info, no monerary support at all. Just say you’re busy, deflect. Or honestly, cut contact. Your mom will do this until there is no one left to enable her, and if she has access to you she will never stop trying to leech.

    Play it cool and then get out. Do not support them, just take care of yourself, and don’t accept anymore help so they can’t guilt you. The money they’ve given you so far was because you are under age and therefore a dependent so never let them guilt you into paying them back for doing their basic parenting duties. After you’re an adult it might have more emotional sway on you so don’t let it happen.

41. Your mother tried to stab you? Oh honey, I’m from an abusive home. I know that it can seem unthinkable to report your own family to the authorities. Still, I would encourage you to secretly document or record things like this. Even if it’s just to remind yourself, that yes, it really is that bad. Any time you’re mom tries to convince you that you’re the one being selfish, remind yourself that she’s committed crimes against her own child. You can decide later whether to reveal the information to anyone else.

42. Can you move out? Find a share house, live frugally and let them fend for themselves?

    I could never do this to my kids. I’m not their responsibility, and if never expect them to support each other financially either. It’s way too much burden to put on someone who never asked to be born in the first place.

43. “No” is a complete sentence. — I’m a mom of 6, soon to be 7. Their future education and expenses are being taken into consideration when we talk about finances, including since we retired early. (at 36 and 50.) and want to make sure if our children work and are close by, we will babysit, help with basic stuff, and leave them some assets when we pass to split up.

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    What they do after their point is on them. We encourage them to stand on their own two feet, save money and have a work ethic to provide for themselves, but when that’s all said and done, *Fun* is the point of life, and they should be able to live with out feeling constantly stressed out.

    You do not owe your parents that. I would like to think when my husband dies, my kids will help keep an eye out for me, but I don’t expect them to go bankrupt doing it or even share their space if it’s too invasive.

    Which brings me back to “No” is a complete sentence. Which I’ve also said to my kids when needed. No is an acceptable boundary – especially when you are now a young adult and responsible for your own debt. This responsibility is their own.

44. Tell them they’re out of their minds if they think that you, as a teenager, have that kind of cash. I’m 24 and I don’t have that kind of cash lolol. Honestly, move out if you can, the only person you need to focus on is yourself, be selfish.

45. You call CPS, get out of this abusive household, never talk to them even again, and get an emancipation

46. Go out for cigarettes, and never come back

47. You need to move out as soon as you can and cut off your family. That’s the only way you will convince them- period. They have to all fall to the bottom to get it figured out. I know it’s going to be hard. Especially if you’ve been taught to enable and give in to them your whole life. They do not have the right to make you do ALL the heavy lifting. Toxic is toxic.

48. Your own mother is trying to turn you into her mother. You need to report this or something. God damn. Anything. Get out of there.