Redditors, I had this situation happen to me and I am looking to vent out and to receive feedback about it since I feel very confused.
I (31F) had been dating this guy (30M) for a couple of months. Everything seemed to be going fine. We were spending more time together, staying at his place more often, I met his inner circle and joined them for activities more, it all seemed good, almost relationship-y. We had a talk about exclusively dating fairly early into the relationship to which we both agreed to and I took his word for it and stopped seeing everyone else.
Recently, he started distancing himself, communication decreased, no more enthusiasm or eagerness on his part. So I had to ask him personally what was going on. It turns out he recently started going out with someone else and stated that he wanted to casually date now. Needless to say, that conversation did not end well as he got very defensive when I confronted him so much as to say he did not need my permission to see other people.
I am having a hard time coming to terms with it as I feel like I was led on and deceived. Why didn’t he express that earlier on? He had the chance to.
I feel very shitty about the whole
situation cause it could have been easily avoided. I also feel ashamed and embarrassed that I opened up to someone who pulled this card on me and broke my trust. I personally don’t know what to do… his last words to me were: “We can still see each other casually”
Wtf. Help.
45 comments
I’m sorry. This sucks. I wish people were more upfront with this stuff
Don’t see or talk to him. He will just play your emotions. You are a back up. You deserve better. This happens in dating.
Oof. I’m so sorry this happened. DO NOT see him casually. I wouldn’t even continue talking to him. Of course people can change their mind at any time but he should have been honest instead of waiting for you to ask what was up. I’ve had that happen too. It really stings.
Of course he doesn’t need your permission to see other people! That being said, you don’t need his permission to end the relationship because he’s radically changing the terms…
The way I see it, he’s trying to have his cake and eat it too. He’s met someone new and he wants to explore that (or at least have sex with them), but wants to keep the relationship with you alive in case the new relationship doesn’t work out. At least I give the guy a modicum of credit for not going behind your back (although the way you’re describing it, it sounds like you had to pull the truth out of him, so who knows if he would have told you on his own).
Bottom line, I don’t think you were necessarily led on – it could be that this new opportunity suddenly presented itself to him, and he’s exploring it. Which sucks, I get it, and you have the right to feel hurt. Whether he’s been planning this for awhile, who knows. Either way, you have the right to find someone who is 100% all in on you and you alone, and who won’t relegate you to a backup plan.
Eww. That’s so gross. Especially if you had the talk about exclusively and he decided to renege on that. Especially since, he decided to start dating someone else without telling you first.
That’s really shitty of him to do and I am sorry.
I hope you you stop talking to him.
If you had the exclusivity talk, and he agreed then yes he cheated or led you on..whichever you prefer. It should go without saying that you should move on and give/get a fresh shot with someone else.
Bottom line is he found someone he liked more. Move on and find that guy that likes and wants you! Good luck.
You trusted someone at their word. Don’t be to hard on urself. You were led on and deceived. So it’s no surprise u feel hurt and betrayed right now. Block his ass and move on. I know how much this sucks. We can’t control other people so all we can do is trust in ourselves to make the right decision with the information we have.
He’s an AH. He’s not an AH for changing his mind, it happens. But he’s an AH for doing the fade out and not communicating properly that you’re not exclusive anymore. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed. He’s the AH.
Something similar (30M) just happened with the girl I was seeing. I don’t understand the complete 180
I’m so sorry this happened. I would block him and focus on healing.
Ouch. You did nothing wrong – get rid of him and move on, easier said than done I know 🙁
This is the product of the times. Today commit to someone “to early” is frowned upon, even called a “red flag”. Dating is seen in economical terms and thus commitment is always relative. If you can obtain “more” then you drop one relationship for another (or multiple ones). When people prefer to “take things slow”, “see how things go” there is always the chance that what they truly means is “I’ll be around until something better will appear”. So how can you avoid this kind of situation? Go against the grain, don’t accept “low effort”, easy going, situations. Instead create strong bonds with mature people.
Too many options these days.
People seem reticent to work at anything.
Says more about him than you OP.
Block him immediately. Move on
Honestly that’s some shit I used to do when I was 19 and afraid to cut ties with women (can’t explain it now, but i sucked hard at communicating). Truth is, a lot of men, and women, don’t have the gall to just end a relationship, or casual dating, or whatever the circumstance. Just accept that this one sucks, and move onto the next, even use it as an example when setting expectations for the next try!
If you go the highroad/benefit of the doubt road, It sounds like you guys were getting serious and then he met someone else and he started distancing himself. Instead of telling you, you had to confront him. Bummer. You did everything right.
There is no other plausible viewpoint. Congrats you took the highroad!
>I am having a hard time coming to terms with it as I feel like I was led on and deceived.
Well, you WERE led on and deceived so it makes sense for you to feel that way. The best you can do now is accept his decision, cut all ties, and move on. I would not agree to casually dating him even if you want to since he already has that history of lying to you, you never know what else he could be lying to you about.
Go no contact pronto and block him from everything. He does not deserve your time or attention. And then go sweat it out at the gym.
You did everything right OP. You had open communication and he just lied about his wants and expectations.
There’s nothing that you could have done differently. Sorry you had to experience this, some people are just liars and aren’t going to be honest or open about anything. There isn’t much you can do if people plan on lying and being deceptive no matter what.
He doesn’t appreciate you. I would end it and consider this a blessing in disguise. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who treats you like that anyway.
I feel like online dating has made it so some people have a “grass is greener” mentality. More likely to jump from person to person before giving a relationship a chance.
I think we all take these things so personally when they have everything to do with the other person & their wounds than it does with us. As a deeply wounded individual who has had to do a LOT of work on myself, I’ve realized that I was a shitty human in many ways because I felt shitty on the inside. It had little to do with the person in front of me & everything to do with my own wounds.
You were led on & deceived. That’s on him. You have nothing to be embarrassed or feel shame about.
Take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. And move on. He doesn’t respect you (& likely doesn’t respect himself).
This happened to me and it turned out he had someone else on the side since day one of us talking. He made us feel official but never said so then suddenly got distant defensive then “driven away”
You were led on and deceived, but you shouldn’t feel ashamed. There was no way for you to know. My father has the emotional range of an angry lemon, but he did give me some very good advice once after I felt humiliated by someone else’s actions – do not feel ashamed that someone treated you in a way that they themselves should be ashamed of.
He should be embarrassed. You were behaving like a normal, trusting person. You should carry that forward – you cannot screen for deceptive people. Be glad that you are getting out three months into it and not three years or thirty years, when you had really built something lasting. And here’s the angry lemon’s best piece of advice (which is a bit sociopathic, but sometimes it can help when letting things go) – now you know you’re better than him! You saw inside the dirty underwear drawer of his ethics, and it’s covered in poop streaks.
(this is a real conversation I had with my dad lol)
Again – you didn’t do anything wrong. He fucking sucks, good riddance to him. Now you are free to meet someone with more integrity! And that’s a good thing!
He sounds sneaky and dishonest. Block him.
>I (31F) had been dating this guy (30M) for a couple of months. Everything seemed to be going fine. We were spending more time together, staying at his place more often, I met his inner circle and joined them for activities more, it all seemed good, almost relationship-y. We had a talk about exclusively dating fairly early into the relationship to which we both agreed to and I took his word for it and stopped seeing everyone else.
>Recently, he started distancing himself, communication decreased, no more enthusiasm or eagerness on his part. So I had to ask him personally what was going on. It turns out he recently started going out with someone else and stated that he wanted to casually date now.
So he was cheating on you?
>I personally don’t know what to do… his last words to me were: “We can still see each other casually”
Do not.
I just want to say that I feel you and that you haven’t done anything wrong and that this is all about him choosing to handle the situation like he did. I hope you know you’re worth so much more and that you can maybe even laugh a bit about how silly he is acting. Seems to me that he tries to gaslight you because he doesn’t want to see himself as someone who did anything wrong or hurtful. This is the part that puts me off the most.
What are you planning to do now?
Where I’m from this is called cheating!! If you agree to be exclusive and he then gets with someone else that’s cheating.
I am so sorry this happened to you but this is 100% on him and in no way your fault. You were absolutely led on and deceived – people have the right to change their minds, but he should have communicated that to you as soon as he realized he wasn’t feeling the same.
Please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed for opening up to someone…that is what you’re supposed to do if you’re looking for a relationship! Unfortunately, there is always a risk when you open up to someone that they will break your trust, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.
It’s okay to feel shitty and disappointed and even pissed off. Those are normal human emotions and we all have to experience them. Without them, we wouldn’t know joy or happiness or love. Let yourself feel these feelings and move through them, but don’t let them be a reason for not opening up to someone again.
You got hurt and I’m so sorry, but you can get through it. There is someone out there waiting to meet you that will treat you with respect and appreciation and so much love. You deserve better and you will absolutely find it. Do not settle for anything less.
Trash that dude’s number.
He is cheating on you. He didn’t prioritize you anymore. I think you should block him.
Guys or girls like him are so gross. Leave his ass, OP. I dunno you personally, but we all deserve honest communication and not to be an option.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can relate – I had a similar situation where I was led to believe that we were exclusive and was even encouraged not to see other people (even though I think that is healthy to do as long as both parties are open and honest about that), and in the end, the guy abruptly broke things off with me right before a trip we were going to have, and went back to his long-distance ex-girlfriend who he had never met in real life, because she did a strip-tease for him on camera. Pretty comical, right? It was devastating for me because I trusted him – he had met my dad and sister and close friends. Anyhow, I feel for you. Don’t stay in touch with this dude – he does not know what he wants and you deserve someone who is a better communicator.
DO NOT see this person. He does not respect you enough to communicate openly and honestly. You will spare yourself from a world of pain being with this person.
It’s called “future faking” .
Man love to have lots of options. They’re constantly asking …..Is she the best I can do.
sounds like he fell into a part of OLD that I think is really shitty and not the point of dating. He is looking for “the best person” instead of one he wants to be with. The result is basically a pros and cons list or comparing cars at a dealership. He found someone he thought was “better” and went back on what he had agreed to. Dating should be about getting to know someone and making decisions about that person during the relationship. Not seeing who is the best fit then committing. The way people date now is close to getting engage when committing. It’s wild to me. I’m sorry you went through thi
Sorry this happened to you. I’d cut bait and run. He’s not the droid you’re looking for.
Just got ghosted by someone who I dated on and off for a year. I can only assume his feelings changed in a matter of days. It is so painful but not because he doesn’t want to date me- I mean that sucks but it’s life. It is painful because he wasn’t being honest at all and was so afraid of honesty he’d rather deeply wound someone than have an uncomfortable conversation. Don’t causally date this person, but not because you are against casual dating, although that is a fine reason too, but because this is the first red flag this person is unable to communicate and sounds like they are somewhat gaslighting you as to why they changed their mind.
What a spineless, self-centered person. Please don’t let him have his cake and eat it too, at least not with you. Sorry you got strung along like that.
Or you can see him not at all. That’s what I would choose. Sounds to me like he just wants YOU to be exclusive with him. He wants a sure thing in between other people. You’re better than that.
This is not mature on my part but , fuck him . That behavior is shameful. He should be ashamed. You are worth more , u didn’t deserve this. He is acting like a petulant child.
I had this happen to me with a fwb. It was a yo-yo relationship, every time we’d get close he’d create distance. In hindsight I should have cut it off the first hint (but the sex was SO good lol). Don’t waste your time: he could have attachment issues or not see a relationship with you but doesn’t want to give up the physical part. You deserve someone who is clear and loving!
So … You both agreed on exclusivity, and he changed his mind without even mentioning it to you? Then he got all pissy about “permission”?
If you’re exclusive with someone, you *do* need their permission to see other people, otherwise it’s **fucking cheating.**
So this assclown not only sucks at basic-ass communication, definitely led you on, and deceived you, cheated on you, but he also had the audacity to insist he didn’t need your permission, and even threw out “we can still see each other casually”? Laugh in his face. Hard. Then block him.
You have nothing to be ashamed and embarrassed about. You did nothing wrong. I’m glad you were only dating him for a couple months.
Honestly it sucks.
I had someone giving me the same for 7 months for him to turn around after 6 and say he needed space. I asked him to clarify what that meant and gave him what he asked for. During this “space” (which was easy because he was working away/night shift) he gave me heaps of reassurance, spoke to me in a way that made me feel so special, told me he missed me every night, that I made him so happy etc.
Then 3 weeks later one weekend was silence. Absolute radio silence. We’d always spoken about our feelings (or I thought we’d been pretty honest) so I told him how it made me feel. He dragged that silence out for a further 14 hours and then called to say he was out BUT NOT FOREVER. He just needed time but he wanted it to be me at the end.
Turns out he somehow had another chick on the go too (although I knew about her but was told they had nothing in common and he didn’t see her in that way) and that next weekend he was with her. And they got actually together pretty swiftly after.
He left me in the middle of a lockdown when my mental health was already struggling, knowing I wanted to leave the state which I then set wheels in motion for as I’d stayed for him. I lost my boy, my job, my home and 10kg in the space of 2 months.
You don’t need help sweetheart, you need to take the loss and move on. It’s the hardest fucking thing but you are strong and you will pull through. And I promise you that you are worth SO much more than someone who clearly isn’t worth an ounce of what you have to offer.
Feel free to message if you want to chat, I’m a stranger to you, but sometimes that’s exactly what we need.
Sister, I feel bad about this. He makes a good man look bad. If he had mentioned casual dating or open relationship upfront, I could understand. But not being upfront is downright shameful. You need to block him, and make sure that he gets the hint, then move on to someone who will worship you. I am in your corner, and you can message me anytime. I hope this helps.
In a nutshell, much like has been said.
You agreed to exclusivity. He has just admitted to cheating on you as he agreed you were both a couple.
You haven’t made a mistake. You haven’t done something wrong. So, don’t be ashamed. But you have every right to be angry at him.
Do yourself a favour and drop him. He basically decided to renegotiate your relationship without even discussing it being over between you.
Don’t let this make you distrust others, too. It can be easy to taint everyone with the same brush and look for ‘similar behaviour’ in other people when dating. Don’t let his actions ruin your future opportunities with someone a million times better, because he isn’t worth that.