Me (41M) and my wife (34F) have been married for 2.5 years now. We used to have crazy amounts of sex in the beginning. She couldn’t get enough. Banging like rabbits, going on trips and having crazy sex, blowjobs in the car etc.
For the past 3 months I’ve been injured with a back injury, laid up on the couch all day and couldn’t walk. It was debilitating, and we didn’t have any sex the whole time. The last 3 weeks I’m getting back to normal again thank God and started sleeping back in our bed. I would imagine she would be eager to have sex but doesn’t seem so.
Even prior to my injury she rarely initiates sex. It seems to always be me all the time. Plenty of times she’ll blame it on a headache, lack of sleep, I’m tired, this hurts, my period is coming etc. The other night I tried initiating and she was complaining of a headache and said leave me alone, so I let her sleep. The next morning in bed (12 hours later) I made another attempt, she rejected me with “you just can’t let me sleep, can you…”. I told her, I let you sleep 12 hours!
She rarely ever even reaches for my dick anymore, I always have to move her hand on it. I have a high libido and I get rock hard and seems like she can care less. The only time sex is guaranteed is if I eat her out first, then she wants it. She used to love giving blowjobs but I rarely ever get them anymore.
I’m so depressed because of this and we’ve even had discussions about it where she’ll say things like “you just want me for sex” and start crying like I’m using her.
We have an otherwise good relationship, and hardly argue. I miss the days when I was single and had multiple partners who couldn’t wait to rip my clothes off. I cut off 3 women I was dating all of which wanted to be my girl, to make her my main girlfriend and eventual wife now, and I feel undesirable now.
I read so many posts on Reddit how women complain that their man doesn’t touch them anymore, can’t stay hard during sex etc, but my situation is the complete opposite. I wish my wife was more affectionate and interested in me. 😔
9 comments
How’s do you divvy the chores now? Although you were the one injured, she’d probably be the one responsible for taking care of you and managing the house. No better mood killer than being tired…maybe try to understand from her point of view and think of solutions that would also allow her to relax. Maybe then she’d have room for intimacy too.
The fact that you talk about the other women you gave up for her is so telling.
>I miss the days when I was single and had multiple partners who couldn’t wait to rip my clothes off. I cut off 3 women I was dating all of which wanted to be my girl, to make her my main girlfriend and eventual wife now
Sheesh.
Tbh I don’t blame your wife a bit for not wanting to have sex with you.
You say the only time she wants it is after you go down on her… don’t you think that’s a sign?? Maybe she needs you to put more effort in and stop just thinking about yourself.
Is she on any type of anti-depressant? Meds like that will lower her libido.
I can’t speak for every woman and I don’t know exactly what you are doing for your wife relationship wise, but I think most women have a few needs that are important to be met. This might sound backwards since you are looking for advice for her lost libido, but you cannot do these things on this list expecting sex. It is not transactional. What this list is for is to build a stronger relationship between the two of you and hopefully that will lead to better intimacy.
Emotional connection- this means being her friend and valuing her as a person. Ask about her hobbies, what tv show/book/whatever she is enjoying, go on a walk together, etc. Look for “[bids of connection](https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/)”. Did she help take care of you and the house while you were recovering? Verbalize your appreciation if she did if you haven’t already.
Pursue her romantically first, not sexually- she says she feels like you just want her for sex and she feels used. She’s communicating her wants and needs very plainly. You can show her you love her in many ways. You can send her sweet texts saying you miss her smile today, plan a date night and surprise her, [hug](https://www.healthline.com/health/hugging-benefits#4.-Hugs-can-make-you-happier) her for at least 30 seconds, compliment her often, appreciate her, buy her flowers.
Sexual pleasure- for sex to be enjoyable for most women it requires foreplay for at least half an hour. Kiss her deeply, run your fingers through her hair, up and down her neck and back. Don’t go straight for the genitals, work your way to it slowly. If she’s not enjoying sex, she’s not going to want it. You say she only wants it when you go down on her, do you not see the connection?
Familial obligations- If you have been laid up on the couch all day for 3 months recovering I’m assuming she took care of a lot of things household wise. Obviously you had a legitimate reason why you couldn’t help much, but now is the time to not only show your appreciation for what she did for you, but to also step up and take over some of the responsibilities to lighten her load.
If this feels like you do all of this already and it’s still not working then it might be a deeper issue that requires therapy. If you feel like this list is too much work to put into just for one of your needs to be met then maybe you two are not compatible.
Your poor wife.
She told you what the problem is though.
She feels used when having sex with you and that all you want is sex.
What have you done to try addressing/fixing that?
Join us in Dead Bedrooms subreddit. But also, do you feel you do enough to make her want to sleep with you? Outside of sex.
I have a husband with a low libido so I have the opposite problem. But as a female I can tell you I absolutely hate having sex before bed or in the morning.I know it might seem like the most convenient time since you’re both in bed but she’s probably exhausted.