Hi, I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 3 months. We’ve been seeing each other for a total of about 1 1/2 years, and just happened to have leases that came up at the same time, so we thought it would be good to move in together to a 1 bedroom to save money.
It’s been alright. We get along, he cooks a lot, we live in a nice neighborhood and go out to eat and go out to museums, comedy shows and the theater together.
He’s much cleaner than most guys his age and when we moved in together he had a filing cabinet that kept vital records like birth certificate, passport, his laptops etc.
He locks it because it has important work documents and personal laptops, but it’s not like it’s a secret. I know about it and I know where he hides the keys. He texted me a few days ago when he was at work and I was working from home asking for me to get his passport number. I’ve never actually opened it because I didn’t need to but I did and when I was flipped through I saw a tab labeled “personal.” I figured that might be it but instead it was a bunch of random stuff. His passport was in “personal documents.” He had some photos of his dead dog, some letters from his sister who lives abroad, but almost all of it was from what I assume were women he dated in the past: Hand drawn pictures of him playing football, some letters addressed to pet-names, some woman wrote him a note on her business card and memorabilia from a trip to the White House.
Why would someone keep that? If you actually move on from somebody, you move on from that and don’t keep knick-knacks. It’s extremely weird. Am I weird for thinking this is a red flag? I throw that garbage out as soon as we break up and I move on like an adult.
Tl;dr: my boyfriend keeps sex trophies of his exes in a secret cabinet.
14 comments
Wow, sex trophies? Going through his personal folders? What is wrong with you?
I’m almost 40 and I still have notes high school boyfriends have written me. I still have pictures of me in albums with me and my exes. I have concert tickets from shows I went to with past boyfriends.
Because these are a part of **my life.** Just because you are no longer in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean you have to throw away every hint of everything from that person.
You sound deeply insecure and I would suggest working on that.
None of those are sex trophies. Our past relationships make up who we are. Him keeping them is not abnormal, and it isn’t like he’s displaying them.
Those don’t sound like sex trophies tbh, they sound like tokens of relationships, when you said sex I thought it would be underwear or something, I keep stuff like that from past relationships in a box because I want my kids to see that there is more to life than just ‘the one’ and those people meant a lot to me, they shaped who I am today so pretending like these things meant nothing or have to mean nothing now that it’s over is unrealistic
These aren’t trophies. They’re mementos and it isn’t weird to keep them.
I keep mementos even though I have totally moved on. They are the history of my life. They are who I was. That means something to me, even though I am not who I once was. I don’t just want to forget and throw away my past. I have found this is a difference in perspective and temperament between people. Some people don’t really care about their past self, whereas mine is important to me. I remember a great deal of my childhood, and while I am truly glad to be an adult, I do not just want to toss that away, even as so many people seem to do so and don’t maintain their early memories. I would not assume this is a problem. I would talk to him about it. Ask him what those things mean to him.
Those aren’t trophies? They are memories, and if you didn’t end on bad terms with your ex there’s nothing wrong with keeping that kind of stuff if he wants too
Do you think that it’s possible they’ve been in that folder for a long time and he had simply forgotten about them?
Sex trophies? I was expecting to read he had stolen panties and secret videotapes.
What you describe sounds like normal mementos from his past, nothing seedy or sordid. Those were items from his past that hold some special memories for him, who are you to judge or say he shouldn’t have those memories anymore. He is with you now, those are in his past. Dont let jealousy and insecurity ruin what you have now.
Not everyone does things the way you do them. Your boyfriend is a different person than you. There is no right or wrong here. He did nothing wrong.
Those mementos from the past are probably sentimental to him. It’s less about the other person and more about remembering chapters of your life.
Honestly, you sound less well-adjusted than him if your habit is to “throw out that garbage” after a breakup. Maybe he didn’t have toxic breakups as it sounds like you did.
Where were the sex trophies? Were they penis-shaped? Did they have little notches on them? How does one win a sex trophy? Did they make moaning sounds when you shook them?
My bf had a serious gf before me, and he keeps a box with things she wrote to him; you know what bothered me about it? The fact that I haven’t lived nice relationships that let me keep cute Knick-knacks
Have you seen any movie? Women showing their daughters the letters they used to get from their lovers
The fact that your partner has a past is something normal, and the fact that he wants to remember it too
And like every single comment: NOT SEX TROPHIES
If he had a dog that belong to his EX should he have it put down to placate you?
You’ve got a problem if this is such a dramatic problem for you. First, I don’t see how these are sex trophies. Second, you don’t know for sure who they’re from. Third, why is keeping a few memories from the past an immature, non-adult thing to do? Just because the relationship (assuming they are from past relationships) is over, doesn’t mean it never happened.
Moving on doesn’t mean throwing out and forgetting the entire relationship.
You can still move on and appreciate the relationship and keep the memories and momentos.