Edit: thank you everyone for the insight and showing me I was completely in the wrong here. I apologized for how I acted and we are still friends which is what I was worried about.
I(M 23) started talking with this girl(F 23) about a month ago and everything was fine up until last week.
I wanna start by saying we are just friends, She recently broke up with her ex fiancé and I asked her about us dating once when we first hung out, because it seemed kinda datey to me, she politely turned me down and we agreed to just be friends which I had no issue with.
Now here is where the problem lies, recently I asked her if I could take her somewhere because she’s been kinda sad lately and her response kinda had me confused.
She said sure but not out on a date (even though I never said it was) and that it could only be with other people in a group. When I asked why she said she doesn’t feel comfortable being alone around guys. Now we’ve hung out alone before and brought that up, to which she said the first time was fine but after I couldn’t tell if you still wanted to date me.
We’ve hung out about once a week since that first time usually in a group and everything seemed fine we talk the way we have been nothing odd nothing changed to me
I have not flirted (at least not intentionally) or even brought up dating with her since that first time and I even tell people when they ask that we are just friends.
What confuses me is after that first time we hung out by ourselves she made plans with me to hang out alone, when I brought up that point she just told me never mind, forget I brought it up.
I kinda don’t know what to do at this point I still wanna be friends with her cause she’s a cool person, but I don’t know how to interact with her now or what to say. I never responded when she told me to forget about it.
I feel like shes either was insinuating things I wasn’t doing or maybe she’s just sad about the ex and felt we were getting to close ? The whole situation is kinda odd to me and would like some insight.
TL;DR : got into an argument about if us hanging out is a date.
3 comments
i mean she set a boundary. i get that you’re confused about it but trying to argue it and bringing up the past is going to push her away. she set a boundary and you’re arguing with her about it, meaning that you do want to hang out alone, signaling to her that you have ulterior motives.
Why are you…arguing with her about this? Shit changes, relationships and dating statuses change. She can’t read your mind and doesn’t want to lead you on. & not saying you’re like this, but a lot of dudes only respect that a girl is “off limits” if she’s with another guy; that’s why some are extra careful around men when they’re single. It’s not a judgement of your virtue or an accusation of you having ulterior motives, it’s one of those boundary things that would be considered stupid and naive of her to not set universally.
Also, if it just makes her more comfortable, and the point was to cheer her up: again, why did you argue? Go apologize for being weird, man.
Boundaries don’t require explanations; she doesn’t have to make it make sense to you, you just need to respect it. But here’s my best guesses:
1. You hung out alone the first time and tried to ask her out. Prior to that, she didn’t know you were romantically interested, now she does. That changes the context of hanging out alone, even if you’re no longer interested like that. She can’t know how you feel deep down so she can’t be sure if you’re still interested or not, and she might be worried you’d get the wrong idea if you hung out alone.
2. Obviously “not all men” and hopefully not you, but some men can’t handle rejection well, so hanging out alone with them becomes dangerous post-rejection, whereas hanging out with friends is probably not so dangerous. A lot of women have stories about guys they were friends with who seemed to take rejection well and claimed to want to stay friends, and then one day decided to push a boundary or get creepy or try to guilt them into dating. And this is after YEARS of friendship in some cases. She’s only known you a MONTH. You’re presumed dangerous until proven otherwise