For the record, *nobody lied or intentionally deceived or omitted information*. Our situation was a little odd in that it never came up til way later than it probably should have.
We met on a social platform for an interest we shared. Became friends, talked a few times a week. It was like this for about a year. He looks older than his age and always has now that I know his true age. When he showed me pics from “X years ago at Y”, he was 18. He looked around 25-27. I always thought he was around 36-38.
I look younger than my age. For one I’m petite, and people always seem to perceive shorter, slimmer, smaller people as younger in general. For two, I have some interests and hobbies that are generally associated with younger people. There’s a decent handful of people my age into them as well but I’d say the main demographic is mid 20s to mid 30s. Probably a 70-30 split. For three, not to sound vain but I’ve just aged well. I have ZERO health conditions. I have very little grey, very few lines on my face, and people are usually shook when they find out my real age. I’m ALWAYS assumed to be about 10 yrs younger than I am.
Between he (he needs a name…… Carlos) and I, it was just sort of assumed we were close in age because of our appearance and interests and never really came up. After all we were just online friends.
Well, about 8 months ago I got a job in his area. *To be VERY CLEAR*: not because of him. It wasn’t a consideration, just a nice perk. I had been living in a very high CoL area and put out feelers I was looking to move and loosely identified some states. I was headhunted and ended up living a half hour from him.
Awesome we can finally meet! Maybe be friends offline!
From there things moved pretty fast. We just clicked.
Well the other day he asked me grab his credit card out of his wallet and I glanced at his ID. Born in 1990????? Oh. My. God. Sweet Jesus no.
We immediately had a talk. For my part, his life experiences are another reason he seemed older. He’s lived in 17 countries due to being in military service for both Mexico and the US. He’s done some shit and been through some shit. He never seemed like a “younger adult” in the Just Gotten Established part of life because he’s already past that.
We share taste in movies and music and when we said “Oh I watched/played that when I was younger” again, it was just assumed we were kids/teens at the same time. Most things nostalgic that I like come from the mid 90s or early 2ks, which obviously he’s familiar with too.
We’re both a bit embarrassed that the EXACTLY how old are you question never came up.
We definitely connect and like each other and have absolutely enjoyed our relationship thus far. Obviously it’s never really seemed like there’s a gap. But my concern is that eventually it will show. If we continue on, what does 10 or 20 years in the future look like?
Guess I’m just looking for guidance here because I know age gap relationships usually flame out…… but we didn’t know there WAS a significant gap. Anyone have experience with this?
36 comments
why does it matter?
I don’t see anything wrong with the age gap
My (F- 60 years) fiancé (M- 45 years) is 15 years younger. We’ve been together 10 years, marrying this year. Do what works for YOU, not what folds into the constructs of others. Age is just a number of trips around the sun.
Y’all are grown adults as long as you want similar things in life and are at similar places mentally get your Mrs. Robinson on (joking)
Just do it. If you both have your shit together just go have fun and see what happens. Age difference is not an issue here
I would t date someone that young, mainly because in my experience they haven’t done a lot in life and it will come up at some point. Just no.
I am 57 my girlfriend is 45 as long as you were both in a good place and love each other’s company just roll with it.
If the ages were reversed nobody would bat an eye.
What matters is you two clicked the reality is age doesn’t matter. I know 45-year-olds that act 60. I know 60-year-olds that can put 40-year-olds to shame.
The only issue that the age can complicate is if he wants kids and you’re done having kids otherwise it’s not a big deal.
Once everyone’s over 30, age is really just a number. Make sure you’re on the same page about the important stuff, like kids, family obligations, religion, where you want to live and travel, and work, and y’all should be just fine.
There are no guarantees in any relationship, yours isn’t necessarily doomed. Like you said you need to consider the next 10 and 20 years, do your life goals line up with his? Does he want kids? Is he established at his job? Are the two of you on equal footing financially? The two of you need to have a discussion on what you want out of the relationship and see if you are compatible beyond your shared interests.
A twelve year gap is a much bigger issue when it’s between a 30 year old and an 18 year old or a 25 year old and 37 year old. In those cases those involved are in completely different life stages. Right now your life stages are pretty similar but that can change as you get older.
IMO once both parties are 30+ age doesn’t mean anything at that point. As you said, didn’t question it til you saw his ID. So I would say if you click as you say then go for it. Have fun and be happy.
You both seem happy and compatible, so go with it. Lots of age gap relationships can last.
You are both grown enough that the age gap thing doesn’t matter.
If you 2 are on the same page and I see you both do not want kids, go for it!!
It seems like the 2 of you click and both have had many life events that seem to put both of you at the same level. Have fun!!
I mean, you’re both firmly above the young adult age. I see no issue.
Ask Shakira
Why would it be doomed? I don understand this at all.
43/2 + 7 = 28.5. You’re good.
Two of our closest friends have the same age gap. They are the happiest, best suited couple I know. Age is just a number, hope you guys are very happy together!
Yall are both adults. It really doesn’t matter, the fact that you’re 43 and asking this makes me think you have a younger mindset than you’d like to admit. You aren’t getting any younger and have a nice guy your dealing with, it’s FINE. Enjoy your life. See where it goes.
Age gaps in relationships matter way less when both parties are over the age of 30. You’re much more likely to be on the same page in life. You’re peers.
But if you want to know what things will look like in 10-20 years? I have an actual prime example:
My mother and her husband (married 23 years now) have the exact same age difference as you and this guy — they’re 12 years apart (they married when she was 48 and he was 36). They’re happy. They’re both retired (my mom worked a couple years longer than she had to, and he retired early). They travel, ride motorcycles, go to the theater and concerts, participate in huge cancer walks, he does mud-runs (he was doing jiu jitsui (sp?) until it nearly detached a retina), she does yoga, they have a little dog that’s spoiled rotten.
They live and love and enjoy one another. And nobody – and I mean literally nobody – bats an eye at them, despite my mom being quite visibly older than him (she’s got a decade on him in age + she went through cancer treatment when she was 60). No one cares. And even if they did, what would it matter? They’re living their best lives. And so should you.
You’re both old enough and mature enough with a balance of life experience- it’s not like he’s 18 and your 30. The only real concern I could see in the future is if he wants children- otherwise I’d say go for it
I am 25M and my partner is 42F, the fire sticks around. If you don’t notice an age gap, then who cares? Enjoy the time you spend together, however long that is, enjoy it for what it is 🙂
Do not let what if problems stop your happiness.
If he is not immature and is into you then he probable does not care about the age gap.
what age got anything to do with it?
My grandparents were 12 years apart in age and stayed married until my grandpa died. I think as long as you respect and love each other it should work out.
I don’t think 12 years is a deal breaker. If you are happy together, stay together.
I’m 43 and my partner is 33. Hahaha he keeps me young. Sometimes the age gap comes into play but not often. Enjoy yourselves. It’s not important or is it anyones business.
In all honesty, given his life experience I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with it. You also fall into the “half your age plus seven” which is often used to see if an age gap is too much. Just take it as it comes and if it works out, great!
Check out who the President of France is married to and the age difference there.
It’s not unusual by any stretch.
He’s a grown and experienced adult wanting to settle down, your life goals are probably entirely in sync. What’s the problem?
Doesn’t seem like a problem. At all.
are you out of your mind? if you’ve never noticed the age gap before, it’s going to become even less obvious as you continue. i’m 31 and my husband is 41…we never notice an age difference. randomly tonight we did when he was talking about an event that happened in town when he was 6 and before i was born. i was like “oh i was so interested in that event when i was a kid although it happened years before my birth, my parents saved articles about it and i read them all” and we got to talk about his lived experience of it as a child…that’s like…it. it’s just sometimes interesting. or like he doesn’t remember having dunkaroos as a kid and i was nostalgic for them. obviously not important things.
So I’m 47F and just started talking to two different guys through OLD who are 35. The gap certainly isn’t an issue for me, as I look much younger than my age. However, I have two adolescent children, I’m divorced, and I have no interest in getting remarried. I do worry that they might be looking for somebody closer to their own age to marry and have children with, grow old with, etc., because I am looking for a committed relationship despite not wanting a husband. So while the age gap itself isn’t a problem, it’s most important to make sure you have the same life goals.
When I met my now spouse I was 30. We were friends for over a year before we started dating. I thought he may be a bit younger than me, but didn’t put much thought into it. Turns out he thought I might be a couple of years older than him, but again, didn’t think too much about it. Our age gap is actually a decade.
We’ve been together 15yrs now.
Make sure you have the same goals and ideals, especially when it comes to children. Ask yourselves how you will deal with issues your age gap might cause. Discuss these things to death as you don’t want nasty surprises later.
This is not a big deal at all. This is just my opinion only but age gaps are creepy when the younger person is say 18/19 dating a 30 year old. This guy was a grown man when you started talking, he’s had a lot of life experiences that have made him wiser, and he now knows your age and seems ok with it (?)
I don’t understand why your making a big deal out of it. When my grandfather meet my grandmother she was 9 years older then him had 2 kids and grandkids. He didn’t have any kids. They were married for over 20 years. Age never mattered its only a issue if you make it an issue.