We’ve been dating four years now, but at the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend lied a lot about his family. He told me his parents were married, that his mom was a stay-at-home wife, that he went on a trip to Europe with his mom and dad.
About a year into this relationship, when I was finally set to meet his family (they live across the country), he confessed that his parents divorced when he was 14, his dad had remarried, and he no longer speaks to his mom. So, his parents aren’t married, both his mom and step-mom work, and his trip to Europe was with his dad and step-mom (not mom).
I was extremely confused about why he would lie about this at at age 25, 10 years after the fact. I also felt hurt because at the time, my parents were newly divorced- I was very open about how painful that was for me and would have thought we could bond over our parents’ divorces together. But instead, he told me his parents were married.
I let the lie go and moved on. I’ve since met and spent time with his entire family and they are great- seemingly much less dysfunctional than my family; I could never clearly see why he’d lie about them.
Last night, we randomly were talking about family and I brought up how odd I thought it was that he lied so extensively about his family for our first year of dating. He defended the lie, said he was traumatized by his parents divorce and didn’t owe me anything; it was his story to share.
While I empathize with the feeling of trauma, and can even look past the lying, his defense was disturbing to me. It felt unsettling to know he can lie and feel so justified in doing so. It makes me think about other things he’s told me and wonder if they are also lies. I told him this and he scoffed at me and said I was crazy to use his trauma as a reason to distrust him.
I can’t shake off the disturbing feeling of him being okay lying to me. Am I being unreasonable here? Is this type of lying a sign of a disorder?
TLDR my boyfriend lied about his family for a year and doesn’t see anything wrong with that; is this concerning to anyone?
5 comments
>Is this type of lying a sign of a disorder?
Why assume it’s a disorder? He lied to you. That’s the important bit. He’s a liar and doesn’t feel he needs apologize for it. he defends it. You don’t trust him. that’s not the basis for a long and healthy relationship.
Do you want to date a liar?
My concern is that his lack of remorse and defensiveness would make it more difficult to trust him. I doubt it’s a disorder if this is the only thing you’ve caught him lying about after all this time. People will certain disorders will lie about what they had for lunch or which store they bought gas from. Think you are trying to justify this in a way it’s not technically his fault.
I get it that maybe he wanted to impress you when you were first dating. Having divorced parents could be a red flag to some bc no doubt there’s trauma involved at some point. Once the lie is told, it’s embarrassing to admit it so he avoided this for as long as he could. Obviously there’s some flawed decisions but we all make mistakes. Again, he just doesn’t seem to be owning up to his mistakes.
This still bothers you which makes sense. Your internal red flag sensor is waving at you and you should listen to it. You need to have a long talk with him and if he stays defensive, I think there’s a bigger issue. Maybe his moral compass is off or perhaps he’s having trouble expressing deep thoughts and feelings? Both will make it difficult to move forward if you want a relationship built on love and trust. If he learns to open up, then there’s still a chance but he’s not going to go thru that type of pain unless he’s pushed to do so.
He long term lied about serious aspects of his life. He did so extensively and without guilt. There is no changing his nature, which is inherently not honest. If you want a trustworthy partner in life he is not that.
Over a year into a relationship I discovered she had mislead me about her family. She put forth a variety of almost reasonable explanations. When I was obviously taken aback she introduced me to a cousin and aunt, in hindsight to placate me. Honestly I stayed because she was younger and cute, not because I though we were going to live happily ever after. Anyhoo, to no one’s shock that was merely the tip of the iceberg of lies.
Hmm is he emotionally unavailable ? I feel like some guys see talking about feelings as a weakness so he could have avoided sounding vulnerable