I don’t want to stay in my marriage and I don’t want a divorce

26 comments

1. I’m kinda in the same spot. I’m 38f and husband is 37m. He’s a good person and I love him but I’m not romantically interested in him anymore. There’s been slow decline in our marriage for the last 15 years.

   I don’t know what to do either so you have my sympathy and I get where your coming from. Right now I’m just going with the daily grind, trying to figure out what to do.

2. Can you do a trial separation?

3. Why are you still married? Is it simply because of your son? if it is, you aren’t doing him any favors.

   Please don’t be the parent that stays simply for the child and or because you’re afraid of change. My mother did that and it was so much wrk having to unlearn the damaging stuff they did in front of me and taught me.

4. You made a good pros and cons list. Sounds like you’ve thought this through. I feel for you about the lack of sex, though. That sucks. So you guys just haven’t had sex since you got married? That’s like…four years without sex?

5. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. No one WANTS to divorce, but sometimes it really is the best thing to do. You really don’t seem happy in this marriage and neither does your wife. Your son is only four years old, I’d really suggest either insisting on couple’s counseling again or that you and she go to individual therapy, or you both split up before your son gets old enough to understand what’s going on between you two. He’s still young so he probably doesn’t understand yet but as time goes on, he’s going to catch on more and more that mom and dad don’t really like each other that much. Can you keep this up for another fourteen years? Do you want your son’s childhood to be modeled by parents who are constantly fighting or criticizing each other, without any affection or love toward each other? Some things to think about. A legacy of divorce and pain aren’t necessarily what always happens, some children of divorced parents like me and many others I know are actually quite happy with the results from their parents’ divorce. I really wish you good luck, you sound like a great father.

6. While divorce is difficult; staying in a toxic relationship is worse. Get out of it and pull the band-aid off as soon as possible to minimize damage.

7. What caused her to have that “come to Jesus” moment? She doesn’t seem like the type of person that changes her behavior unless she HAS to, so I’m a bit curious about that part.

   From what you’ve described, she sounds incredibly toxic, and you seem to be stuck in an abusive relationship. She is going to need many years of therapy to sort out her crap and hopefully become a better person. In the meanwhile if you can’t even get her to go to individual therapy, it’s unlikely your situation is going to change. Don’t raise your kid in such a toxic environment. You think your kid doesn’t know she treats you like crap but you’d be surprised. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and I’d choose to be be raised by a happy single parent than being stuck in a dysfunctional family with both parents any day.

8. So what you experienced is called hysterical bonding which typically happens when the abusive partner is faced with the reality you’re leaving them so does a 180 and modifies their behavior short term. Exactly the same nonsense that happened when I was leaving my abusive wife years ago. Things changed very short term but after getting more entangled with kids and property she is probably twice as abusive as before because she knows it’s way harder to leave.

   My advice from somebody who’s been in a relationship like yours for much longer is leave. Don’t even think about it like maybe one day she’ll wake up and be a different person. Not doing her abuse in front of the kids won’t last long trust me, when she’s not getting the power she wants over you then kids be damned it’s open season no matter if they’re around.

9. If she is very busy, the child could stay with you more than just half of the time, no? If she ends up paying alimony, it could still be cheaper than maybe full time child care?

10. Dude, leave. I left my partner when my kids were 3 and 1 and our relationship was wayyy healthier and more amicable. I knew I wasn’t in love, wasn’t attracted and wanted to model a truly loving relationship for my kids to copy. Your son will just end up copying your unhappy relationship if you stay, is that what you want for his life?

    I did lose out on a lot of time with my kids, but they were with their dad and I was able to pursue other things. Let me tell you something. You will forget 90% of your experiences. Your kid will forget most of it too, he will remember the relationship and the big moments. Let the time you do have with him be really good.

    It will really suck if your wife is difficult during the divorce, that I don’t have advice for and it sucks. But having found a partner I am madly in love with and still attracted to, best friends, etc… It is SO worth it. We have been together longer now than my ex and I were, and still do everything together, have great sex, and just…love each other. You only live once and it is so worth it to be happy in your relationships.

11. Seriously dude, cut the cord… and show you son what’s important in life. Make your home with your son a place of peace and a home for the two of you. Without blame, dysfunction and pretending. Just ask your wife for a separation and start the process. She’s will figure out how to parent, but I highly suggest you get sole primary custody with her having only visitation. Sounds like that’s all she would have time for anyways. She should pay you child support. Please don’t give that up, it’s for your son and expenses add up! Use it to pay for his support so you can stress less and enjoy him more. .
    Good Luck, you and your son deserve happiness!

12. Brother, I’ve been in roughly your same spot.

    My ex was toxic. She was harsh, cold, selfish, rigid, and controlling. I hated being married, but it never quite felt terrible enough to leave her. My post history talks about this… we got along well enough as friends, coparents, and roommates, but as a couple we were pathetic. There was no romance, sex really sucked hard in most ways, I was scared to share things with her because I constantly felt judged and shamed.

    I was on the fence about leaving her for many years. We did couples therapy, retreats, read books. Some of it worked, a little, and briefly. But we always went back to our dysfunctional and shitty relationship. Neither of us were fulfilled, both of us too scared and comfortable to leave.

    Through the years, resentment and anger piled up consistently and we never figured out how to move past it. I was walking on eggshells, scared of conflict, avoiding her to avoid arguments. I was terrified of how my girls would adjust to a divorced life, crushed at the idea of not seeing them every day.

    Long story short, I’ve been divorced about 5 months now and I haven’t been this happy in a long time. It is true, I have less time with my kids than I used to. But my ex moved close by, and I still see them most days. The days I don’t see them, I FaceTime and text. My time with them is more limited, but it’s more rewarding too. I think we both get more out of the relationship without the cloud of anxiety and stress over the household.

    You’ve only got one life to live. Are you sure you want to spend it with her?

13. 37F who is divorcing.

    Let me alleviate your fears some. You won’t “miss out on half your kids life”. You can certainly still talk to them everyday (or FaceTime). You’ll be energized for your time with them. You’ll still share important mile stones with the other parent regardless of schedules (school concerts, games, etc).

    You will find someone else (if you want)

    You will have time for you and your own interests (in a way you may never have!)

    Show your child what a healthy relationship is! That could be an independent one on your own (so valuable!) or with an even more loving partner. But your child deserves to see positivity because that’s how he learns about relationships for himself.

    You may end up way way happier than you could ever imagine. (I did!)

    Being alone can feel daunting when you are in a relationship but, sir, you don’t know how great being alone can be because you’re literally on the other side of a wall right now. You just can’t see or experience it.

14. In the same boat, kind of. Whatever you choose, I hope you end up happier!

15. OP– hope things get better for you and you get through this period with your happiness. Please update!

16. I’ve done both. Let me explain.

    I got married at 18 and had my first child at 20. I was unhappy before I ever got pregnant but I didn’t know any better. I ended up cheating and leaving him when my daughter was 1. Now my excuse to myself at the time was because he was controlling, lazy, addicted to video games and porn, ect. I don’t have family to speak of so he got primary custody and let his mom raise her for the most part until she was 5, when I finally had enough evidence of his cruel ways of using our daughter against me, especially after I started dating my now husband.

    I started dating my now husband at 23. We had a baby then got married 2 years into our relationship. When our son was about a year old, I got 50/50 of my daughter. Which was still a nightMare for everyone but mostly, my daughter. It really damaged her, my husband is the only man she’s ever seen me with. Meanwhile her dad had a revolving door of girlfriends, some would live with them even. We also never got along and fought over every little thing. When she was 8 we went back to court because she hated going back and fourth and the fighting was taking a toll on her. That didn’t go well because court happened to land on my ex husbands week and he and his mother brainwashed her and told her that if she told the judge anything “bad” about her dad (like him hitting her or stepping on her legs/ hands) that I would get custody and I wouldn’t ever let her see her dad of her “Noni” again. It wasn’t until she turned 11, that she realized she had a day and could put her foot down. Her dad tried to brainwash her again but she still resented him from last time. She swears she remembered exactly how they lied to her. She started refusing to get in his car at car pick up and school and then I’d be called. In This state, 11 is the legal age at which a judge will hear and consider a child’s opinion and preference. And where the child would thrive. During 50/50 she was failing classes and fighting at school. Would fight with her dads recent girlfriend and now baby momma. He knows if we went back to court he would lose and be ordered to pay child support. He doesn’t want that so she’s been here every day for the last year. She knows she can see him anytime she wants. We both live in the same school district so he’s not far. She’s briefly visited with him but has refused to spend a single night there. He claims it’s because he lives in an 700sq ft apartment and I live in a 2500sq ft house. I really don’t think that’s it but whatever. She passed 5th grade and seems happier.

    ANYWAYS. Rewind to 2020, my husband decides to have an affair with a co-worker. I was so busy running my new business out of my on property workshop that I didn’t realize what was going on. He cheated for about 10 months before I found out. To say I was devastated is a severe understatement. Leaving would have been easier than reconciliation. But I love this man more than I’ve ever loved any other adult, including my parents. It’s been a long process and while I was falling apart for a year, it took a toll on both kids. Along with genuinely loving my husband, I didn’t want to separate my son from his dad. I didn’t want to break our family up. So I’ve carried this weight for the last 19 months. Sometimes I feel like I regret trying to reconcile, because it’s not easy. But I feel like I made the right choice and my husband doesn’t act towards me, like how I acted towards my first husband after I cheated. I didn’t ever feel bad for hurting my first husband- I just wanted to get away from him. It’s wrong I know. And this was perhaps karma. But both of my children definitely factored in to my decision in the end.

17. Man you wrote the story of my first marriage. My cousin told me the words I needed to hear when I was where you are right now:

    > You are a shell of yourself. And in this state you can’t be the father your children need you to be. You think you’re doing the right thing staying for them but they are better off being in a happy household half the time than never.

    I have so much to say to you my friend because I’m 13 years past it, and my daughters are now 18 and 15. But it’s too much to type out here. Feel free to message me if you want.

18. Stay, have an affair, leave once the child is 18. It’s the only way to handle women like this.

19. Kids would rather be FROM a broken home, than IN one.

    Plus, if your wife is a full time doctor, there’s a high chance you could get a larger portion of child custody which would be in all 3 of your favour. Good luck.

20. Ya so staying for children isn’t always the best choice. In most cases it traumatizes the child and sets a toxic impression of what “love” looks like. Do what is right for you and your son, you deserve someone who loves you, who isn’t mean to you and someone who gives you that intimacy and connection

21. I was married for 15 years… so unhappy and lonely, he wasn’t abusive like your wife seems, but he was neglectful, put in zero effort and was happy as he was having all his needs met.
    I woke up one day and knew I couldn’t give him anymore of my life.
    Our two daughters were 11 and 8…. It was hard on them… we never fought and they didn’t know how unhappy I was. I fought with myself for a very long time…. But in the end it was the right decision.
    My daughters are now 13 and 16. I’m remarried and they understand why it was the right decision… because they see me so happy and in a healthy relationship. Their father seems to be in one now too.
    Only thing my 16 year old says to me is that she wishes I’d done it when she was younger. That pre teen/early teen age is hard enough.
    Your in a tough position…. My new husbands ex sounds very similar to your wife… she’s horrible to deal with and treats me horrendously…. Which I’m sure your wife might do yo some poor woman you end up with also…
    If you leave, set big boundaries straight away… it’ll be hard on your son… but think of the life you can show him… he’ll see the difference, like my step children do…
    Praying for you… all the best

22. Can’t have it both ways

23. My parents divorced and it was for the best. Even as a kid I could see that their marriage was not working out.

    You’ll need to learn how to co-parent effectively and keep arguments away from the kid, but it will be better for them in the end.

    Just get out

24. My parents stayed together even though they have a terrible relationship. I’ve had to watch them abuse & disrespect each other since I was a teenager. It’s horrible to know my dad is controlling, my mom verbally tears him down & sometimes there has been domestic violence. It hurts your heart to watch them suffer and harm each other. I wish they got divorced & found someone who made them happy. That way I could have been around functional relationships instead of tension & abuse that 100% for certain contributed to severe mental health issues. You and your son both deserve to be happy & that can be possible when you find someone who respects you and loves you.

25. My husband grew up as a child of a loveless marriage with lots of infidelity. I promise you, this messed him up so much more than if he’d witnessed a divorce.

    You sound miserable, your baby will pick this up. They’re a lot smarter than you think. please leave this horrible marriage and find someone who loves and takes care of you. Your child will understand this one day and thank you for it. I promise you

26. I don’t think you are confused. You know exactly what you need to do. But are afraid of the consequences.