I’ve never spoken about this, and I think the main reason behind this is because I’ve never been able to find the words. My little brother, he has a heart of gold and has never treated another person like shit. No matter how bad things are he is always seems to be lifting the people around him up and looking on the bright side of life. The thing is, I struggle communicating with him – not because of anything he has done, but simply because of how similar he is to me. We share the same interests, especially music; and even how I generally act parallels with him. My family doesn’t know this, but I’m a former addict and to say I’ve done things I’m not proud of would be an understatement. I can tell he wants to connect with me, and I can tell that he looks up to me more than anyone else; but that’s what scares me. I don’t want him making the same mistakes that I did. Instead of engaging him in the way that siblings normally would I push him out. While I understand the irony of what I’m doing, any time I genuinely try to connect with him I get this feeling inside of me that rips me apart. I think on some level I genuinely believe that I’m a bad influence on him. I feel like I’m going around in circles and even the simplest of things we do together my mind has a way of destroying it. I want to connect, but I can’t stop this feeling that I’m simultaneously pushing him down the path I just went through.
Has anyone else felt like this?
3 comments
Not everybody has the same life path or aspirations in their world, if that makes you feel better about him going in the wrong direction. It’s always okay to connect too, especially since he won’t be young forever and it seems he really loves you. I’ve got a completely similar story to yours and my little sister has a damn bright future
You said you were an addict. Are you still one now? Are you improving in life or not? If so, teach him. Teach him the paths he should not take by helping him to become better. If not, start become better and teach him the thing you’re learning on your journey to become a better person.
ok, so, I’m going to try to put this gently: outsized worry about your potential impact on the lives of other people is often a sign of mental health stuff that needs untangling, so you might want to look into that if you haven’t already.
your brother is his own complete person, and he’s going to make mistakes, some mistakes that might echo yours and some brand new ones he’ll invent all by himself. one way to think about it might be this: what’s going to set him up for the best recovery when he does make those mistakes – having a brother to turn to who has put the work in to be close to him and make sure he knows he’s loved and will always have support, or a brother who is too scared to do that work?
the thing about loving people is it’s an active thing, it’s a thing you do, it takes work. some of that work can be fucking terrifying, especially when it means accepting that we don’t have control of what happens to the people we love – the only thing we have control of is the support we offer them, and for someone to take you up on support in a crisis they have to know it’s there in the first place.