I’m a 30 year old non religious guy who lives in utah. But not only do I live in utah (which in general is difficult for dating and socializing as a non religious person who didn’t get married by 22), I live in the Ogden area. The area is a major hub for military, aerospace, and defense industry and very lacking in anything that brings in any women.
I’ve been living in this area pretty much entirely since college, 7 years now. But in utah my whole life. In that entire 7 years EVERY stable single adult (men or women) I’ve met has either been a resident of Salt Lake City (about 45 minutes away, but if you ask them i might as well live 3 states away) or moved back out of state ASAP. This makes being single feel even more out of place and isolating since it’s hard to even make single friends. My only 2 single friends (both women, one past neighbor and one i met online) in this area are both completely messes most of the time. And it’s not just me, none of the couples I know around here even know any singles besides me in the region. Whenever i join BBQs, going out somewhere, or otherwise hanging out its all couples. This is very much a location single move out of (unless theyre too much of a mess to be capable) and couples looking to settle down move into. So I feel like the only one managing the basics of being a functioning adult who doesn’t have a partner here.
Apps provide even more evidence. No matter what app I try I get absolutely nothing unless I’m out of town. I don’t have as few matches anywhere else unless the population becomes so small the town doesn’t even have a traffic light. I basically have to go for the lowest quality (biggest train wrecks) of women to get anything in this town. I could find occasional hookups that way but thats definitely not a safe thing to do, or what I’m looking for. But anywhere else I’ll at least get a handful of decent normal matches, even in legitimate small towns when spending a quick night on a road trip like pendleton Oregon. Though thats probably ALL the single women within 30 miles. I even got over a dozen likes on bumble when I spent a long weekend at my parents house an hour away last winter (my parents house is just as inconvenient for getting to SLC as mine but it’s not instantly apparent because they’re closer in a straight line, through slow suburbs rather than the freeway route from my home).
I have a great career as am engineer in the aerospace and defense industry, that’s why I ended up here in this particular location. And I absolutely hate long commutes so I’m unwilling to just live in SLC and eat the 45 minute commute and high cost of living, though that’s what the other unmarried people at work do. But I did an hour each way commute all through college to help stay out of debt and set a hard “never again” rule after that.
The career path is a bit limiting in this problem. Most alternative locations have very similar demographic issues. It’s always Ogden not SLC, Colorado Springs not Denver or Boulder, Bremerton not Seattle, Huntsville Alabama, etc. And the strict background investigations (security clearance, they literally interview people who know me, not just background check and piss test) also make me slightly paranoid put a bit of a damper on my attempts to generally expand my social circle because weed is so incredibly popular in the non religious population here (utah has a frustratingly biopolar culture) and the feds still have a very strict zero tolerance policy against it so I absolutely cannot partake and don’t want that stuff in my home or vehicle until the feds legalize (not a moral judgement, just protecting myself). Not necessarily a huge deal with casual friends but I do have to avoid people who broadcast their habit as getting tagged in my cousin’s smoking on the ski lift picture could cause people to start saying I use even though I’ve never even tried the stuff.
I’ve always been hesitant about moving because, other than the social and dating scene, this area is perfect for me. I’m very outdoorsy and love all the options for that here. Cost of living and traffic are reasonable so I can easily live within 10 minutes of work. Most of my family lives within an hour or two, etc. Whereas most options with jobs in my career field tend to either not improve those issues or do improve them but at the cost of no mountains or public lands and/or high cost of living and long commutes.
In general I’m doing well in life, got my career, i own a home, work out, I’m independent, have hobbies, etc. My biggest weakness should be my not so amazing social skills. I’m fairly shy and a little awkward. Or maybe things like not wanting kids. But I can’t even really fight those battles because this area just seems so devoid of singles to socialize with or date.
Has anyone delt with a similar situation? And found any success at dating or making good single friends without moving?
1 comment
What’s your long-term goal? Do you like living in your male-heavy engineering town socially, and everything would be fine as long as you had a wife? Or is part of wanting to date you also wanting an escape from that setting? I think you’ll have a hard time organically finding someone to slot into your very specific life in every single way.
It sounds like you have two options: lean into your established lifestyle because you don’t really want anything to change, and advertise yourself online or similarly as someone looking for medium- to long-distance serious dating, or make a big lifestyle change that makes it more likely for you to live near women you find attractive.
I sympathize with you on the government intolerance of anyone you know smoking weed, that’s really harsh and unfair. But it sounds like your career track is pretty isolating, and you don’t want kids despite wanting to live in a rural area where lots of people in your age trend conservative or are family-oriented. I wish you lots of luck and hope you meet someone soon—do whatever you can to level up your social skills in the meantime. Maybe Utah people will have more specific advice in terms of immediate geography.