Myself (26F) and the ex in question (26M) first began dating toward the end of our first year of uni, which is where we met. Was going really great, everyone said they could see the chemistry between us etc but 7 months into the relationship, he kissed someone else on NYE and called me the next day, cried and told me – safe to say I was completely heartbroken.
We broke up immediately but for the next year, we ended up in a completely toxic cycle where we’d sleep with each other every time we were drunk, he’d tell me he wants to get back together, then change his mind 2 days later saying he wanted to be single. It really messed with my head and it took me a while to recover from it.
We left uni 5 years ago now and he’s tried several times over the years to contact me but I’d ignored each attempt. I’ve dated 2 guys since which haven’t worked out and from what I know, he’s dated one girl for a few months, but this one ex has always been at the back of my mind. A few weeks ago, he sent me a very, *very* long message that in short, was him apologising for the way that he treated me at uni and understood that what he did was wrong, saying that he’s never really gotten over losing me, that he’s a different person now who’s grown up and is willing to do anything to get me back and wanted to know if there was ever any chance of me and him happening again.
Against my better judgement, I decided to respond and agreed to meet him for a drink 3 weeks ago and all my feelings came flooding back. Since then he’s been consistent, putting in the effort to arrange to meet up and has been really lovely.
I really don’t know what to do – I want to believe he’s changed but because of everything that happened, I’m questioning if this is one big ego trip for him to see if he still has a hold over me, and if there was something missing for him the first time to make him cheat, surely that can’t have magically changed? I can’t tell if he’s love bombing and trying to get me into bed, or if I’m just being paranoid and overthinking. Though I wouldn’t admit it to him, I don’t think I’ve ever really gotten over him and in my heart of hearts I would like to try again but don’t want to if it’ll be a waste and i’ll end up hurt all over again.
TL;DR – We broke when Ex cheated 5 years ago, he wants to reconcile. Am I a complete idiot for attempting to make a go of things again, and can you ever truly make it work with an ex that cheated?
6 comments
You don’t believe he’s changed. That’s all you need to know. You think he might be manipulating you fir his ego. Can you build a relationship on that basis?
You were only with him for 7 months – this wasnt some deep connection with someone you knew well. It sounds like you and he have spent s lot of time yo-yoing. Hes told you he wanted you back, them changed his mind SO many times. Why would you ever even consider taking him back after these mind games.
Do you want this bullshit drama for the test of your life? Look at everyone else around you, happily in relationships with people who never cheated, who never yo-yoed them with on-off bullshit. When it works, love is easy most of the time. It’s stable and it’s supportive and it’s like having a best friend you have great sex with.
What you have isn’t love, it’s drama. It’s chemistry that never fulfilled its promise. It was 7 OK months followed by pointless drama after that. You’re 26, there are literally millions of guys your age out there. Why the desperation to go back to this one? Cos he’s convenient and there? Let me tell you, so many people I know regret the time they wasted being on-off with their exes. Life is short.
Stop wasting your time with this guy who hasnt treated you with respect and find someone who will.
Not only did you mention cheating but you mention a toxic dynamic.
Do you think this story is a fun romantic “how we got together” story y’all are gonna tell your grandkids one day?
I don’t.
How many times are you going to just be the toy in the shelf he can pick up and put down whenever he feels like it? That’s not what forever love looks like.
How many times has this happened? Why is it you think this will be different?
Just because you WANT it to be different doesn’t mean it will. Past outcomes are a better indicator of how this will turn out.
He didn’t just cheer on you he also reconciled and dropped you a bunch of times.
I’m sure there’s something out there for you that’s better than this.
I hope it can work, my ex cheated on me, I broke up with her not because I wanted to but because she says she needs to figure out what she wants.
I miss her, it’s only been a few months, but she says she misses me. She says she’s switched her mentality to see me more as a friend. I think that’s partly true but also to help her get over our 5 year relationship. I still love her and think about her daily.
As much as I want to be with her I’m moving forward on my own regardless.
I guess all you can do, is search deep down what you want. Try and remove yourself from the situation and think of it from an outside point of view. If you truly want to give it a chance. I say do it. But you have to accept that it may not work out, and that’s the risk you will have to take. If you don’t wanna take it, don’t.
Some relationships can work after cheating but many don’t too. Everyone relationship is different. So you can’t rely confidently on what others say because if their own experience. That’s why you got to follow your instincts. But also people can change too. Sometimes for the better sometimes for the worst.
If you do though, working on trust will be the main thing. If that fails so will the relationship.
In short, nope I haven’t. Toxic relationships tend to remain toxic. I needed a lot of therapy and research after breaking out of mine so I could spot the patterns and avoid them in the future. (In the future being one of the important bits here. I did not go back to my ex who had treated me badly and promised to change and then treated me badly. I was done with that forever.)
If you like getting cheated on and feeling the hurt, then go back to being a victim.
In my opinion kissing someone 5 years ago and current situation is the whole different stories. He have already paid for, you also seems to have some scars. BUT as far as I can see you have a feelings. Give him a second chance, but not expect to much – surely he can make something harmful, but how can be you so sure, if you not give him a try? Good luck with that!