Before I (21M) write anything about my girl (19F)…. Just want say that this may be a very long post. So please take your time and enjoy this read as I pour my thoughts/feelings into words.
I’ve fallen in love once and that did not end well, since then I have kept an arms distance between all the other girls I’ve dated. Recently I reconnected with the girl I’m talking to right now from highschool and something about her opened up my heart to love again. Her last relationship which lasted almost a year was extremely toxic and manipulative, there was a constant cycle of on and off, at the time she had a anxious attachment style and now because of the trauma she has developed into a avoidant/disorganized attachment style and is somewhat emotionally unavailable. Despite both of us acknowledging this we still really like each other and still want to try to see where things go. We tried dating for 2 weeks but it was too much for her to handle emotionally, because to her dating is like “I see a future with this person” and for me “I like this girl right now I want her”…. Before we got together she had broken up with her ex for the 4th time and was for good. She just did not have the mental/emotional capacity for another relationship. Before she realized she was emotionally unavailable, she did really want to be with me and wanted to date me, until she realized she started being more independent and was scared to catch even more feelings for me. She has a lot of fear of loving me more, being controlled by another person, being abandoned, and insecurities of self image.
I truly care about this person and have a lot of love for her, not the type of love where I want to spend the rest of my life with her because we have only been taking for about 5 months, but love as in I care for her and can relate to her trauma and want to be there to help her through this process. Because of her AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT + EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY, sometimes it makes it quite difficult to progress and create a deeper connection in our relationship. When the times are good, they are fucking amazing, but when it is bad I feel left in the dust with confusion and hopelessness because the energy and the love I put towards her is usually no reciprocated. I understand that people like her may need a lot of time and space and I give her that, I respect her needs and use that time to focus on myself. There are flaws that I see in not only her but the relationship, but not every relationship is perfect and I am willing to look past the bad stuff and focus on the good, because i love her. I also believe that with time we can work on those flaws/problems.
The question is, am I wasting my time? Am I shooting myself in the foot for clinging onto the potential of what it could be? In the process I am learning so much about relationships, life, love, and myself. So no matter what I am grateful for this experience, I have grown so much in this process and as I push myself to do better to become the man that I’ve always strived to be, in a way she brings the best out of me through this situation. I love this girl and I feel like for her love takes a longggg time and is built brick by brick where as I fell in deeper love as I got to know her. What would you guys do? Is love supposed to be easy or hard?
Key things about her:
– Great family relationship
– Her parents are highschool sweethearts (so is her sister’s relationship)
– Does not like to talk about very emotionally intense topics
– Very high EQ and self awareness (me too)
– The cutest smile
Please if anyone with experience can give me wisdom and guidance. Please don’t hesitate to ask question. Thank you to whoever takes their time to read and process this post.
TL;DR
Loving a girl that is that has avoidant attachment and is somewhat emotionally unavailable. Both really like each other, I believe if we keep working on it, the relationship will be amazing, but is it worth it? Do I continue to drag myself through this to be with her? Is love a painful process?
1 comment
I wish I could give you the answers but I’ve been in a very similar situation. I fell hard for a girl who also had difficulties opening up and letting me in emotionally and the relationship completely fell apart after a few months between her breaking it off to be “just friends” and my own anxiety and insecurity getting the better of me and I made some terrible decisions.
Seeing as I’m almost 30 (yeah it doesn’t get easier with age) I started seeing a therapist to start working through my shit but I still think about her.
I don’t know if I’ve irreparably fucked things up in my situation but I sincerely wish you the best. I’m keeping an eye on this post in the hopes you get something helpful.
On the “is love pain” I’m reminded of a bit from a Coheed and Cambria album (The Afterman: Descension):
“You fought to withdraw from a place which has incited severe quantifiable pain and nearly terminated the mission, nearly terminated your life, yet you desire to set a course back to it. I am not equipped to comprehend human rationale. Sirius, is this what love is?”
“… Yes”