Did I expect to much sex from my girlfriend?

Hey guys,

TLDR: My girlfriend felt used during sex, only wanted sex 1-2x a week and I wanted sex every day even though she worked 70 hours a week.She has a promiscuous past, talks very openly about sex, and finds the idea of an open relationship interesting. Within a week after the breakup she slept with two guys.

I broke up with my very first girlfriend 4 months ago and am concerned about one point in particular. I loved spending time with her and she objectively met some important points (humor, academic background, openness, extroversion and emotionality).

There were many reasons for separation, but a very big point for me was the sex life and I would like to know if I acted assholish here and put too much pressure.

First a little bit about both of us: We are both 27 years old. She had already had two longer relationships and numerous ONS, as far as I know almost 30 sexual partners. She has numerous male friends, including a close friend with whom she had an ONS or other friends from whom she wanted something sexual before our relationship. I, on the other hand, have never had a girlfriend before and have had very little sexual experience. Surprisingly, I have tried a few more “extreme” things in the field of sex (from the BDSM area in particular) and I am really very open and willing to experiment.

About our history you have to know that I met her a year before our relationship, she has expressed great feelings to me, she then went abroad and wanted to keep contact, but after a short time the feelings were gone again. I therefore went into the relationship with certain trust issues.

Well, in the summer of 2021 she came back and we quickly started a relationship. I knew early on that she was very promiscuous, which is no problem for me. But I also realized early on that it was a big deal to her that we agreed to an exclusive relationship and asked her what she thought of monogamy. She then said that she thought monogamy was bullshit and would like to have an open relationship in the future. For me it was a shock. I reacted very negatively and she rowed back strongly and said that something like this would only come into consideration for her in 2-3 years and that she had noticed beforehand in her long relationship that at some point habit sets in. I have been very much against an open relationship, but I have to say that the thought that she will be my last sexual partner seemed a bit hard to me in view of my lack of experience and there are already situations where I would agree to an opening. Since the opening of the relationship first played no role and she said that the desire maybe also never comes, I let myself in on everything.

In the first month of our relationship, we then had sex very regularly, virtually whenever we saw each other. The sex was rather cuddly, but also wild and beautiful. She even told me that she came with me the first time during sex. I believed that once with some skepticism. In the first month I was also zsm with some of her friends on her birthday in a bar. I quickly noticed that bed stories were an extremely big topic in her circle of friends. There was a lot of talk about her ex-partners, many told of their ONS and two of her friends even compared the number of sexual partners they had (both over 50). I also learned that my friend made a bet with a friend during our getting-to-know-you phase a year before our relationship about who would have more sexual partners in a year. I’m really an open person, but it was a lot for me. I asked that they at least not hold back on my girlfriend’s sex stories in my presence. However, based on the stories, I at least assumed that I had a very sexually open girlfriend with a high drive.

I must say, however, that it already started here that I also got some complexes and jealousy problems in view of the fact that I did not have such stories to show.

Very early in the relationship I told her that I had a lot of fetishes and that I liked to experiment and was into BDSM. She said that she finds this side really exciting about me, has hardly tried anything and she definitely wants to try some things with me.

In the 2nd month she then started her job as an investment banker. She worked 70 hours a week from then on and that of course had a sudden effect on our sex life. Regardless of the job she then suddenly revealed to me that she has a low sex drive and her 1x a week sex eig would be enough.This has me then very surprised. I replied only that I probably already have almost every day desire. I think this statement alone made her already enormous pressure. She slept almost every day with me and we had from then also only 1-2x the week. Often also times 8 days or so not at all. You have to know that I am not a pushy type with women and generally have problems making the first step. But since I was full of love hormones, I was almost permanently horny. For me it was honestly really uncomfortable partly cuddling without sex regularly fall asleep. Then I was also naturally rejected 1-2x after I wanted to initiate sex. I reacted understandingly, but something like that still gnaws a bit at you.

Then also very early in the relationship came a real bomb: She said that she often felt used during sex (completely independent of us and even before the relationship) and she even cried 1-2x after sex. From then on I got really hard problems to touch her at all, because of course you feel really shit and you don’t want to use your girlfriend. She has this feeling because of a childhood trauma. She was regularly physically abused by her mother (not sexually). I also suggested not having sex at all for 2 weeks or so. In any case, from then on I completely left the initiative for sex to her. I was extremely concerned about her satisfaction so that she did not feel used. It even happened that during the relationship, 3-4 times after she came during foreplay, she just fell asleep without returning the favor, which I sometimes didn’t think was fair. In general, I sometimes had the impression that I was getting too little.

I did then partly even as if I had no desire for sex. There were situations where she pulled my hand to her breasts several times and I pulled away again and again until we had sex so that I really knew that she wanted it herself. We had to cuddle partly 20min before so that she could get emotionally involved in the sex.

From then on I got really crass jealousy problems and complexes. I wondered how she has sex with all these ONS and felt even more blatantly rejected.

We consistently had sex 1-2x a week. Considering that she worked 70h/week that was actually not a bad value. However, we were still in the honeymoon phase. But you just have to say that I have a high drive and that was simply too little for me. Not only the frequency, but also the manner was unsatisfactory. She promised constantly and everywhere with me to try out loud things sexually such as anal sex / rimming, which she had never had. These suggestions also often came only from her. She announced all this and pulled back.

I asked if she really wanted to do that or just suggested the things for my sake and she affirmed that she really wanted to try it all out. But I did not understand why we did not just do it.

Then there were phases where we suddenly had wilder sex again. I never knew what I was allowed to do and what not. We were then zsm even on a fetish party and had sex in the darkroom. We both found that outstanding. I noticed that she grds already wants to try things. We also used an anal plug for the first time, which she really liked. I often noticed that she also has a wild sexual side when she really feels comfortable.

It still remained that we had sex only 1-2x the week despite daily sleeping next to each other. I then said at some point that I am really dissatisfied with it and would like to have sex more often. She said she needed more trust and patience. But it did not get better. I said then unfortunately in an intensive conversation that I can hardly imagine 10-15 years to be happy with her if we permanently have sex only 1x a week. She cried extremely and had from then on of course even more pressure.

We then finally had in the 7th month our first joint city trip. I took some sextoys with me and lingerie hoping to try some things she announced. I thought vllt we have anal sex what she wanted to try for weeks. Well arrived at the hotel she then initieerte sex, she broke off and cried. We had the whole vacation then no sex. I had again really big problems to touch her at all.

I finally broke up with her 5 days later. I could no longer cope with it all. It was also honestly not just because of the lack of sex, but also because I had jealousy issues given all the ONS and the initial desire for an open relationship. Then within the first week after the breakup she slept with two different guys.

Did I act like shit somewhere?