It didn’t completely hit me until I was speaking about this with a friend last night when he asked me if sex felt like a chore.
It does, truly, it does. Ever since I’d gotten my IUD, my sex drive has gone downhill and it’s noticeable. The only reason I give in is so he’d (my bf) be happy and stop making snarky remarks around our friends about our sex life—it’s embarrassing. Ever since I got my IUD, my sex drive has been down… hella down. And I know he doesn’t like that, he makes it very vocal that he doesn’t (literally keeps count), so whenever I do muster up enough like energy to do it, it’s mainly for his satisfaction and not my own.
Like sex is mentally taxing to me (trauma) and besides that, it fucking hurts. I tell him this and he doesn’t really seem to take it into consideration. Last night around friends he mentioned the lack of bjs or sex in general, and I know that’s his indirect way of saying I’m not doing enough to make him happy sexually. As for the pain part; I told him that we need to try lube and he said I didn’t need it bc I “get wet enough”… which isn’t fair bc id literally be telling him it hurts in the middle of it. On the other hand he tends to choke me a bit too hard (which is traumatic bc it happened during my near rape). At the end of it I really get nothing… I have no idea on what to do here.
4 comments
You both need to sit down and have a long talk. His behavior isn’t justified or okay. I and my girlfriend have had similar issues with low sex drive and it gets rough honesty. But what we don’t do is we don’t shame each other for not putting out. We communicate that it’s been a minute and if one partner is feeling and the other isn’t then we politely ask for a bj or to be held while we masturbate. If he can’t respect you in bed how can he respect the rest of your relationship. Now in that conversation boundaries need to be established. Like not telling your friends things in your sex life or the fact that you have asked multiple times to use lube and he refuses. If it hurts you don’t do it, sex is supposed to be fun for everyone not just him. That is really looking like a red flag with him ignoring your complaints
Your BF is too old to be acting so immature and selfish. You need to give him a wake up call not to mention your sex life in front of friends.
Actually, no, sorry, you need to dump his ass on the ground. If my SO *ever* told me they were in pain during sex I would do anything possible to make that better for them. Partners that cause physical pain need to be given very little warning and it sounds like you’ve made it clear enough but he’s just ignoring you.
Oh I’m sad to read this. This sounds really difficult for you and even toxic. There are quite a few red flags here: he’s invalidating your feelings and experience (saying you don’t need lube despite your request), violating your boundaries (choking too hard), manipulating you (publicly airing lack of sex, which is a common way to guilt or shame people into doing what they want… this is an example of emotional abuse), keeping count even? This due seriously lacks empathy. He doesn’t seem to recognize or even care about your experience. And if he lacks empathy it’s unlikely he ever will.
Is he like this in other areas of your relationship? I’d read up on dark triad issues if I were you (dating a narcissist, sociopath or machiavellian/manipulative type of person) and see if that resonates.
In the meantime, have you been seeking treatment for your trauma? Because that is where you should focus. Sexual trauma can really open you up for exploitation, especially by people who lack empathy. If you can, seek treatment from a trauma therapist. If that’s a no-go, here are a few ideas: read the book The Body Keeps the Score by Van Der Kolk, it’s an amazing book that talks about how trauma affects your body and causes all sorts of mental issues, even some that at first glance don’t appear related. Also The Betrayal Bond by Carnes (but you must do the exercises). This latter book teaches you to recognize exploitive behaviors in your current and future potential partners. Some of your description makes me concerned that your partner is emotionally and even possibly physically abusive (the choking), this book can help you recognize if that is the case. For the trauma you can also try mindfulness meditation, a self compassion practice (look for YouTube videos by Dr Kristin Neff, her book is great too as is Dr Chris Germer’s, the latter having more exercises). Yoga is also a great way to “get back in your body” after trauma, and many classes/studios turn into a great support system as well. These latter ideas can give you a great foundation for healing and a “head start” if therapy is not available to you now but might be in the future.
And remember, you don’t deserve to be in pain or have your experience questioned. That’s not ok and it’s not healthy. It’s also not a reflection of you. It’s hard I know, but if you can even giving yourself a little compassion can go a long way.
A lot of problems here. Trying to shame you in front of friends is gross. If you say you need lube and it hurts, it is moronic and sadistic for him to assert you are wrong. If he knows you were choked when you were almost raped, he shouldn’t be choking you hard. I’d say he shouldn’t be choking you at ALL unless you insisted upon it. You can’t live like this. It has to come to an end one way or another for your health. Either he is going to change a bunch of behavior or you need to get away from this.