So a girl F19 came over to my dorm the other day. Mind you it was just in the house common room not my actual room. She wanted to watch a horror movie on netflix with me and my two other friends. She was also terrified of horror movies.
As we were watching, she called to her girl bestie across the sofa and asked, “hey cuddle with me I’m scared.” Then my guy friend jokingly responded, “well, you have [Me] over there. Why don’t you cuddle with him? Lol.” I thought she was just gonna ignore that comment but no. She responded with, and these are her words, “nope, nope, nope, never gonna happen!” In full blast across the room. I didn’t say anything. Okay, FIRST of all dude, I was never interested in you in the first place, nor will I ever wanna date you in the future. But the mere fact that you said that really hurt my feelings and self-esteem as a guy. Hearing that made me feel like I’m not good enough for any girl. I knew she was judgemental in nature but I didn’t think she’d actually go that far. I thought she was cool, but apparently she was willing to defend her own ego at the expense of my feelings.
Idk if I’m overthinking this or not. Maybe I’m just overthinking it. But I never talked to her again after that.
Edit: for those of you who understand, thank you. And for those of you who don’t, well I guess fuck my feelings then cuz I’m a dude. If the gender roles were reversed would you comment the same thing?
49 comments
What a shitty behavior, you should really not allow someone as shallow as that affect you.
i’ll cuddle with you bro
You’re overthinking it. She way over reacted but probably just because she just wants to be friends and she herself is awkward but also rude. Your guy friend is the annoying one for saying something weird like that. He’s the one who changed the vibe in a bad way. She probably got the impression that you and your friend conspired about watching a movie together, when in fact you didn’t.
Frankly I feel the guy friend is as much of a dolt as the girl, he put both of ya’ll in an uncomfortable situation to make a joke that’s not even remotely funny. Feeling hurt and upset is understandable. Just remember that your self worth is not determined by other people.
um, (F in early 20s here) she might have thought that your friend was trying to set you two up and wanted to cut it off. her response might have been unnecessary, but you should blame your friend instead that he asked that question to begin with. smh
this is likely not an ego thing and i strongly, strongly doubt it was that personal. i can see myself responding to something like that at that age very similarly because i categorically did not want anybody to see me as available. your friend’s comment came across like he was trying to wingman for you.
>Hearing that made me feel like I’m not good enough for any girl.
a girl you didn’t even have interest in turned you down — why does she have to represent every girl out there?
You’re overthinking it. Its a shitty response from her, but it also probably caught her off guard, and her instinct as with many people is to run from anything that smells like flirting. In hindsight she might even realize she overreacted.
I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
I’d suggest you not read too much into it since there can be multiple reasons for her response. That’s not to say your feelings aren’t totally valid. They are.
But I’ve seen girls respond this way when they actually really like a person. Like the cliche “hey ugly :)” greetings.
There’s also the context of guys/girls in situations like that. Girls deal with a lot of BS and your friend took what seems like a platonic situation and suggested something intimate. She could’ve been shutting it down just to make it known it wasn’t that kind of party.
Like others mentioned, she could’ve interpreted that to mean your friend was trying to play matchmaker and she was more shutting HIM down than you.
Or maybe she’s actually just a dick and was being mean.
Point is, this may be one of those situations to try to shrug off since it doesn’t seem like a clearcut case of her trying to disrespect/hurt you.
She was probably caught off-guard and was unintentionally harsh. The only way to avoid it cutting deep is to say something yourself to deflect or reflect it – mostly people are too surprised to do that though and you’re left with her knife in your gut wondering what you did to deserve it (which is nothing).
On another note, a housemate of mine swore by watching horror movies with girls on his bed as a means of making the bed the main event. It makes sense since we reach for others when we’re scared and people will subconsciously “choose” to interpret feelings of being scared as attraction if given the opportunity.
Bro it’s nothing personal, her expression may have not been the best approach, but it’s just another way for a person to say they’re not comfortable with that. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that, not everyone cuddles and people have preferences, which is okay.
She was put on the spot and probably blurted it out w/o thinking.
Your guy friend is an ass
Just laugh it off and forget about it hombre.
She might be gay and not out, she might be irked at the person who said it and it might just be one of those things you have to move on from. You’re both not interested, but no one likes hearing that.
Most of us have been thru it. She may have just been caught off guard. You never know and this is one thing you might want to just not overthink and go on with your life over.
This is from me, Nancy, the world’s most idiotic over thinker who learned to let it go in her fifties. Don’t be me! I’m dead serious. I would have had more fun and enjoyed life more if I’d not spent most of it overthinking situations that were not a big deal.
If she makes a crack like that again, have a small and private chat. Nothing dramatic.
Does that make sense?
She doesn’t want to cuddle with a guy. You should be mad at the person who suggested it and put her in that awkward position. Why blame her when it’s his fault. He was shitty to suggest it. She had no choice but to make it clear that no that’s not ok with her
You’re overthinking and you’re being overly sensitive. Some people just aren’t comfortable being inserted into jokes like that, especially if it involves something intimate and personal. If she sees you only as a friend, it’s awkward for her if someone makes a joke like that.
Consider how she feels. It’s not just about you. That’s a very important part of social skills. Consider how the other person is feeling. You brought up her ego. Well, what about yours? You stopped talking to her after this just because she felt uncomfortable with the idea of cuddling with you. She voiced her discomfort as she should. Respect it.
Maybe she thought your friend was trying to put you on with her, so her response was shutting that down in a rude way. She’s just one girl man, don’t let that get you down especially if you weren’t interested in her in the first place
Sorry. But sometimes you just need to know when to shut up. That is meant for both parties.
She made an nasty remark that could be less direct. But then the guy didn’t need to put her on the spot by his remark. Even if it was meant ‘jokily’.
I can understand, although I am a guy, that a girl/woman is not comfortable at all to receive such remarks from guys/men, even if it didn’t mean anything. Which is strange to begin with. Why are you making the remark in the first place?
As an girl/woman you cannot know what kind of intensions the remark was placed by the guy. So her response was probably made with the intention ‘better safe than sorry’.
She was probably just embarrassed, the guy took things more suggestive than she was okay being (at least openly at that moment) so then she went full “no no I don’t like him”
I think you’re overreacting and overthinking here.
If she felt she needed to set boundaries firmly once and for all then she achieved that.
It’s also not her fault that you feel now as though you are unwanted by every woman on earth because of that comment, that’s something you yourself are pulling out of that comment. And is not on her to take responsibility for. She never said as such.
Also, if what you’re saying about not being interested is true, than you could have simply agreed with the comment right then and there and be done with it. “Yup, not gonna happen! :)”
Try looking at it from her perspective and also realise she is not responsible for how you interpret what was said.
You’re overthinking this buddy 🙂
She has every not to not be interested in you, just like you have a right to not be interested in her. Now since you said you didn’t like her, I’m going to hope this doesn’t impact how you think girls view you.
Think how she would’ve reacted. She could either say something like what she said to deter the situation or say that she would even if she wasn’t into you. Your friend cornered you both and your feelings suffered as a result.
Kinda sounds like your friend wanted to cuddle her and used your name instead of putting himself out there. Sounds to me like he knew what he was doing to you.
You can’t control what people say to you. You can choose how you respond to it though.
You can choose to take offense and act salty, regardless of whether that offense was offered to you or even yours to take in the first place.
You can turn it into a humorous interaction like pretending to stab yourselves in the chest and say, “ouch, but ok” or something to that effect. Delivering a message that what she said was mean, but you’re not taking offense to it.
You can turn it around and say something like “bold of you to assume that I’d cuddle with you.” Or “not until you show me negative Covid results”
Bottom line is, it’s not up to you what people say. Only how you respond. You can tell people to go fuck themselves and they’ll thank you with a smile if it’s delivered the right way.
Don’t get hung up in a single interaction OP. There’s plenty of time for you to get it right, whatever that means for you. Good luck
You should have asked your bro to cuddle. But in all seriousness, not everyone is going to respond with the tact to keep everyone feeling good. She wanted to say a definitive no. It just so happened that your feelings ended up in the crossfire of an awkward exchange. Maybe this isn’t the first time she’s encountered this sort of thing and she’s tired of it.
When I was 19 I definitely didn’t realize how other people felt about things I said as much as I do now, she may have been really embarrassed and just put herself first .
Ok I was put in a similar situation when our friend group circle kept on shipping me with a dude in our group, and I just kept on ignoring it or subtly hinting that I was not pleased with the shipping, because I did not want to hurt his feelings (and for him to save face). But apparently they didn’t care and it kept the dude’s hopes up, so he also fanned the flames and kept dropping hints that we’re a thing.
Anyway, I eventually had to reject the guy in the presence of everyone because one time we were all together they were all peer pressuring me into accepting him, and what’s worse, I became the bad guy (girl?) here for apparently “stringing him along”. Now they still keep shipping me with him and it grinds my gears, but I continue to ignore it and what’s important is that at least I had already made my point.
well in my experience with me being the girl i did want it to happen but i was always too scared to initiate it and embarrassed for some reason so i would always try to hide it in anyway possible
Blame your friend, not the girl. He’s the one that put her in that awkward situation to begin with.
Yeah, I’m sorry about how things turned out, man. I have to say, it was insensitive of her to act that way.
But she probably didn’t mean it personally. Also, people hurt you out of their ignorance (they don’t realize how insensitive and mean they’re being) and misery (they’re insecure themselves and they act “holier than thou”, like they’re way out of your league or something).
To be honest, she could also be protecting herself in case the group thought she’s sleazy or something. Your friend really put her in a spot there.
I know it’s too much “philosophy”, but you got nothing to worry about – she’s projecting her ignorance/misery outwards – so completely on her. Don’t let it ruin your mood or self-image (it’s a circle, when we are in a bad mood, we’re rude to our family and friends, so how about you break this cycle). You’re great, and you don’t need to surround yourself with such negativity.
I wish you lots of happiness, dude! Keep smiling!
You overacted. Don’t get offended. The problem is how women have to ensure they are not consenting. If she doesn’t make it very clear that the answer is no then the answer is yes.
I have seen situations when women say “No, that’s okay.” Then a dude takes that as a challenge.
I know dudes who have pushed women into being raped because the woman didn’t give “a clear answer.” Even though she said things like “not tonight,” “I don’t really want to,” “I am not comfortable with this,” etc.
It is scary being a woman and I don’t feel bad that she hurt your feelings
She likely felt like she was being baited into cuddling with someone she wasn’t into. And lets be honest, snuggling with her female friend isn’t going to result in a subconscious boner, (one you’d most definitely obtain) pressing up against her ass. You might not have liked the response she gave, but it was wrong of your friend to even suggest she make physical contact with someone she didn’t want to. And your entire post makes you sound like an overly emotional young boy who’s feelings are kept in a glass jar.
You’re overthinking it. People are allowed to deny/reject whatever. It’s not like she was saying that you’re ugly or a loser etc. If it happens again, just give it a shrug and move on
She may have said that so that her friend would stop teasing her. Imagine if she stayed silent – easy cue for the friend to tease even harder
She might have been protecting her feelings before considering yours, which is a sign of emotional immaturity imo, a phase we all go through but one that we should outgrow at some point
Tying your self-worth as a date based on this one girl is understandable as our view of the world is kinda limited by what we experience in our everyday lives. I hope you’re able to find healthy relationships, but I think we must learn to confront conflict as well. Running away can only work for so long before it has a serious detrimental effect in your life.
Practice expressing your emotions by writing them down and seeing how you can translate these thoughts to something you can say in casual conversation
Ya gotta let that shit slide off ya.
You reading into it brah, she was probably just feeling embarrassed by your friends comment. This is like the default response most girls would give in this kind of situation. It doesn’t even mean she doesn’t like you.
Girls her age do this. Don’t stress over it. She has her own social skills to work on if she thinks it’s fine to say things like that.
I’d also find it likely that “bestie” was jealous or something similar. Again, **people** that age tend to behave that way. Most grow out of it very quickly. Worth mentioning, it’s just as weird that the dude made the comment and namedropped you. Honestly, this whole story makes me so glad I’m well out of my teenage years lmao.
You are overthinking but to assert your point you should have stated you aren’t interested in cuddling her either as a response straightaway.
Same thing happened to me in uni. The two women are in a relationship now
Probably overthinking.. the girl suddenly felt uncomfortable with the other friends comment and had a knee jerk reaction. If you don’t like her, dont stress…
I’ve not seen this take yet but I get incredibly nervous when I’m around someone I like and this is how I would’ve reacted. I’m not saying she does like you, but it sounds like she blurted that out because she was nervous (which could be for a number of reasons) so I wouldn’t take it personally.
I think she just felt embarrassed and put on the spot
Could be a few different things depending on your relationship up to this point.
She could like you and be shy.
Could have been a bad joke.
Could already be talking to another guy.
Or she could just really not want to cuddle with you.
Either way you should have said something in the moment. At this point it’s just best to move on unless something similar comes up again.
I’ll tell you man to man only a very small handful of people are going to care about your feelings. Best for your own mental health not to take anything too personally and don’t think about it too much.
Sometimes I wonder who tf is behind all these comments on Reddit lol
OP I feel you man 100% Just for you to know, this are opportunities to better your social skills.
Example: In that situation, you could’ve joke with ” That’s to bad I am an excellent cuddler, you can ask (your guy friend’s name), last night he was loving them”
That way you practice banter, and get your friend for putting you in the spot a little. I’ve been practicing a little those types of jokes and I seem to get positive feedback from my friends, the key is no to over do it.
But yeah, 100? its very childish to say stuff like that, Seems like your female friend hasn’t grown up. Those are the type of girls that say eww to guys.
Another possibility is that she’s got a crush on someone else or has 0 feelings for you and completely shut it off.
Again another reply could’ve been: “Don’t get me wrong, as soon as (your guy friend’s name) is free I am cuddling with him, so sorry for you”.
Of course, that’s only if you are good friends.
Hoooow did she say it? Did she look at you in disgust while saying it? It sounds like she was caught off guard and just wanted to make it clear to your male friend not to make those jokes anymore. She could even be gay, who knows! So, what she said might not have been about you personally, but herself. I agree, what she said was hurtful but, like many of these other comments say, your male friend may have set you up for that embarrassment. He may not be a real friend to you. Just because you are rejected by one, doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of attraction to others.
Oh, I’m sorry about that, your feelings are important and what she said is wrong. However, I don’t think she meant it as a personal attack. As a girl, I tend to say this kind of stuff when people put me on the spot like that! I overreact from embarrassment, but that does not make it right! It’s not okay. don’t take it personally it is not an attack on you because you are not enough. She is just clarifying she doesn’t feel like that toward you.
Honestly, you should have said something too at the moment like “nope not gonna happen” to make it equal rather than being quiet. This way she will see how much her words can hurt people.
Girls expect every guy to be attracted to them. Flip the script on them and they chase you. You should have said, “yeah come on now, i don’t want to cuddle with her. She’s not even close to my type.”
I’m sorry that happened to you OP, that does sound really hurtful. I’m sure it stings regardless of her reasoning for saying that, but FWIW I can’t imagine she meant it personally. I’m like 30 now but back in college when I was a crappy judge of character and had a ton of guy friends (some better “friends” than others), there were plenty of times some dude put me in an uncomfortable position and I remember my reactions running the gamut from freezing and letting it happen, to blurting out something snarky and rude like she did, to pretending I had to go to the bathroom and then just Irish goodbye-ing the whole function. Sometimes you don’t know how you’re going to react until you’re in the situation! Nowadays if I were in the situation you described I would probably laugh it off and say, “No thanks [Guy Friend], OP is all yours” or “Yknow, it’s tempting, but [Girl Friend] is the only man for me”… but I wouldn’t have known how to stay calm and play it off at 19, because at that age the situation would’ve totally taken me by surprise. Can’t do better until you know better, yknow?
That said, panic and immaturity and discomfort don’t excuse hurtful behavior, even if it explains it. Not to be a Monday morning quarterback but man, a quick “…sorry OP, that came out way more harsh than I wanted it to haha” from her would’ve been perfect here. Even though I feel like you do deserve an apology, I doubt you’d get one— reminding her of the situation would probably just make her more uncomfortable and defensive. I’d chalk this one up as a learning experience all around. Hopefully the next time she’s in a situation like this she’s able to navigate it without anyone else getting caught in the crossfire.
One other thing— it might be worth it to talk to your guy friend if he has a tendency to say or do things that make your girl friends uncomfortable. Plenty of jokes like this one that sound harmless to dudes can make women feel pressured and unsafe. If either of you ever notice you accidentally crossed a line, there’s nothing wrong with a quick “sorry, that came out wrong,” or “sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” or even the ultimate, “hey bro, don’t say that to her, that’s not cool.” 10 years later I still hang out with some of my guy friends from freshman year; did half of em start out as dipshits and edgelords? Of course! But they were willing to listen and learn, and now they’re better feminists than I am and still fucking hilarious.
TLDR: 19-year-olds gonna 19-year-old. You sound like a solid dude, and I’m sorry she made you feel like you aren’t. You’re all good, and it’s gonna be fine.
You should’ve said, we are in total agreement about that! I’d never cuddle with her. Just to make it look like you were grossed out by the thought of cuddling with her.