For as long as I can remember, I valued relationships more than anything else. I didn’t have a loving, supportive family growing up which may be why I cherish it so much because I didn’t have it.
I have tried time and time again over the past 7 years to cultivate friendships with others, but they many more times than not end up in ghosting, the person putting me down (making jokes at my expense for instance), or the friendship feeling fake. I identified it most likely is my issue with self-esteem and confidence. Sometimes I get the vibe too that people can subconsciously sense my depression and they get turned off by that.
After all of this, I isolated for weeks keeping in touch with the 2-3 good friends that I had. I’d like to build new friendships, but want it to be different this time. I would love to build friends where we build each other up and explore life together, but I am not sure what I can do differently. Can I ask for all your thoughts on this?
2 comments
The first part is you need to look for people who are capable of having healthy friendships. Unfortunately for people who come from toxic families, you guys might be used to hanging around toxicity, so a part of you might just be naturally drawn to toxic people. Try to break this pattern and look for healthy people to be around. I recently commented on [a post about this](https://www.reddit.com/r/socialskills/comments/vagn36/attracting_the_wrong_people/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). Maybe you will find it useful.
Also, healthy friendships tend to grow more slowly. You’d want to make sure this person is a good fit for your life, so take your time in getting to know them. Observe to see whether they 1) respect you, 2) understand boundaries, 3) can be trusted, etc. You obviously won’t know these things within the first few meetings, so keep some guards up and pull them down slowly as you get to know them better.
Finally, be patient. Friendships are made from having repeated encounters with people. So keep putting yourself out there. It would be good if you could find clubs or meetups where you get to see the same people over and over again.
Wherever you are at any social situations, increase your energy by 30% of normal and be sincerely curious about the lives of others. Ask more open-ended questions about their interests, hobbies, activities, work/studies. Small talk build enough trust to go deeper.
Caveat: Don’t keep asking questions only, it sounds like an interrogation, balance it by making observations eg ‘Wow, you’re so creative, I can never do that.’ and sharing stuff about yourself. All the best!