I (24f) have been dating Jason (25m) for three months already….he has made multiple sexual offers like asking me if I wanted to Netflix and chill etc etc… last night I told him that I honestly love him but can’t have sex before marriage,he was totally unfazed and didn’t have much of a reaction…all he said was that he respects my decision and is completely ok with it and wants to continue our relationship,I was weirded out on how easily he accepted it and asked him if he really was willing to wait….he said he does plan on waiting but ” I’ll obviously lie to my friends and family that we had sex otherwise they’ll think I am a total loser” I really like him but idk if that’s a reasonable request.
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Why is he discussing his sex life with his family?
I’d find that to be a red flag: he’s 25, not 16.
Also, did he have questions about, like, why you want to wait until marriage? Or was he just not curious about it at all?
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if he thinks that waiting until marriage would make him a loser and still wants to be bragging about sex he isnt having, it sounds like he doesnt actually fully respect your beliefs and is immature
I’m someone that doesn’t like discussing bedroom type things with anyone except for my partner. It’s one thing to make a comment in an attempt to brush the comment off. I just say “we do fine” and then don’t mention it again.
It is strange if he’s talking about blatantly lying and creating fictional sexual encounters with you and you’re not out of line feeling uncomfortable with this. I think there needs to be some further clarification as to what he means.
So are you just testing him by saying you want to wait then?! He’s literally showing you that he thinks you’re worth waiting for, and now you’re weirded out because he said he respects your decision.
As for the not telling anyone, I kinda doubt that topic will come up with the majority of his family anyway.
Unpopular opinion here.
But for me it’s pretty fine. He respect you and respect you want to wait.
But he seems pretty pressure and harass by friend and familie.
And for him lying is the best way to dodge being harassed and mocked.
It’s not like he lie because he is malicious or something.
I can understand you wanting to wait for religious reasons, but I urge you to consider that many marriages fail due to sexual incompatibility. Wouldn’t you want to know if you’re sexually compatible with your partner before you actually get married?
Ask him why your sex life is his friends and family’s business at all?
Question is, how important is it to you that everyone else knows you waited? Where I’m from that’s very uncommon, I never met anyone who waited until marriage. When I say uncommon, I don’t mean anything bad by it, it is something I really respect. But I can tell you, most people I know wouldn’t understand, and it would carry some pressure.
The fact he respects it and wants to wait is huge in my opinion, if he’s honest about it. Talk about it more, understand his position, explain your position, figure out whats important and why. Understand that there are cultural things at play here. Again, the fact he is willing to wait is huge IMO.
Choices choices
There was a time when a man would respond to inquiries about his love life with, “A gentleman never tells”.
Maybe instead of being intimidated by friends & family, your bf should learn to stand his ground and use that expression. And for those insistent on an answer, his respond should be “Nunya”, which means “None of Your Business”!
Ask him to just say the status of your sex life is between the two of you. See how he responds. My concern is that he’s in unwilling to draw boundaries with friends snd family and he’s overly concerned with having others see him in a particular way. If that’s true, what else will he want to lie about down the line? If he feels like the two of you aren’t living an ” ideal” lifestyle, would he post fake home snd vacation photos? Pretend you jointly make more money? Some people end up pretending to lifestyles they don’t have. It can create psychological problems as well as relationship problems.
Just find someone who shares your beliefs so you’ll both realize you’ve made a mistake together.
I think that’s a private convo – he seems pretty immature in that regard – thank god you’re waiting 🤣 tell him it’s a private decision.
He doesn’t need to lie about it. He can just not discuss it.
It sounds like he would prefer to have sex with you before marriage as most people would. You don’t though and that’s totally cool.
If he is ok with that then there isn’t really a problem here.
In this day and age, I honestly think him lying about this isn’t a big deal. He’s not gonna go into detail, no one does, but I’m guessing it’s gonna go –
“Did you fuck OP yet?”
“Yeah”
“Good?”
“Yeah”
“Cool”
Also, God made sex fun for a reason, having sex isn’t a shameful thing, and sexual incompatibility is a huge reason a lot of couples don’t work out. I’d definitely allow yourself pleasure, God will get it, they’re pretty down with the whole forgiveness thing.
Nobody should be asking him this to begin with. And if he is respecting your wishes then it actually makes him look like a good and decent guy. I mean, if he’s worried about what people think about him.
Guys do get shamed more for not having sex/being virgins than women do. I don’t understand why sex is anyone’s business nowadays?
Sounds like he needs better friends or a stronger spine. Idk I wouldn’t immediately call it a red flag but why are other people’s opinions about your relationship so important to him? Food for thought.
Doesn’t matter what the internet thinks. If it’s reasonable to you then let him. If you are uncomfortable with that tell him not to.
Considering you’re asking I would guess it would be the latter.
What I would find important is WHEN this conversation should have taken place. Do you think it shouldve been when you couldn’t tolerate his advances anymore or was it at the beginning when you guys started dating?
You have every right to want to follow your beliefs and want to wait until marriage but you should/must have mentioned it before or at the beginning of you guys dating. I could picture him trying to play it out and saying he would tell family and friends if he was caught off guard (not downplaying or excusing him, there are other ways to deflect the questions or the subject)
Most families will ask so they can prompt their kids to remember to protect themselves from STD’s or unwanted pregnancies, so family asking and finding it weird/joking around it would not be unusual (not that it is acceptable or nice but again, their values and choices).
What I’m trying to say is that if you don’t want to be pressured and respected, you should be upfront from the beginning. Most people nowadays will accept you and will know what to expect so that they don’t look like jerks if you are open and honest.
Having sex before marriage nowadays is not that taboo and people would want to get to know their partners and ensure there is compatibility before they are bounded for life.
If, after all, this was a conversation you had when you guys started dating and he has been insisting and making sexual passes… those are redflags and what he is telling his family/friends is the least you should be worried about.
What’s more weird is that this dude is in his twenties and wants to brag about having sex like he’s a high school freshman. “Yea man! I totally touched her boobs!”. If him and his friends are still high fiving about getting some, I think he might not be mature enough for sex (or a relationship).
I feel like most people would just assume you guys were having sex anyway.
Why does he need to confirm sexual activity with his homies anyway?
Why would you wait 3 months to have this conversation?
No, it’s not reasonable. It shows that he is immature, easily swayed by other people, image-obsessed, doesn’t respect you enough, doesn’t have strong character, and is a liar.
What? That’s wild. I mean it’s really great that he respects your decision to wait and all, honestly it’s hard to believe in this day and age that there are guys willing to wait, but if it makes you feel better, me and my boyfriend waited a long time before we had sex because I’d never been with anyone sexually before (neither had he so that may have factored into it), and he was totally cool with it. He respected me and never pushed the subject ever. I commend him for his reaction to that.
The part that’s weird to me is that he would talk to his family about sex at the very least. I mean my boyfriend doesn’t discuss our sex life with his friends at all, and he doesn’t want to (so he says but I believe him). Why would he need to tell people about such a private part of his life? How does that come up? “By the way, guys, my girlfriend and I *totally* have sex all the time” ?? Seems like he would sound more like a loser saying things like that at all.
It’s a bit unfair that you waited 3 months to tell him that. Since you just dropped it on him, he’s probably still processing the information and I doubt this will be the last conversation about it.
I’m not sure it’s in your best interest for him to be completely honest with his friends and family about it, because they’ll likely talk to him about the lack of forthrightness required to hide this information for 3 months.
I’m sorry but I’m stuck on the idea of marrying somebody you have never had sex with. Absolutely bonkers.
If for you a personal decision is to not have sex before marriage and he agrees to it. Why need to tell ANYONE ANYTHING. WHY would it even be brought up in normal conversation. Most people could care less and unless something is said people can assume what they want. Actually I would have been happy to respect my girlfriends boundary and proud to let people know if pushed that we decided to wait until married.
My problem is with how he answered it “I’ll obviously… ” I’m assuming that u are saving sex for your own personal reasons not for others but it is weird that he said obviously like that not something u should have asked before because that kind of embarrassing now on your side
I will be bold and venture to say that you find this both weird and unacceptable. You don’t need us for this no brainer.
RUN he wants to tell lies about you so he looks better.
He’s not OK with the no sex if he keeps asking you to do it and wants YOU to be OK with him telling people HE got YOU to break your no sex rule.
The right person for you is out there, they won’t repeatedly ask you to break this rule and wouldn’t ask you to lie about it so he can pretend to be “cool”.
Don’t compromise yourself for a 3 month relationship. You’re going to live a long time, how do you want to look back at this time in your life ?
I can guarantee you won’t be with this person if you’re on here questioning his intentions this early on.
The fact that he said he “obviously” would lie. I guess there’s context missing for it to be OBVIOUS, but the first thing that came to mind simply from the title was: what else is he going to lie about just to save face?
He’s 25, this is sad.
He probably already did lie, and is saying this to cover that up.
Lol nah bro that won’t work on many levels
Is it OK to lie?
Why does he feel the need to discuss your shared sex life with outsiders? Especially a sex life that is non-existent since he said he’d wait. This is a red flag and creepy, OP.
All he has to say it’s none of their business. And that he’d prefer to keep it private for his and his partner’s sake.
to be honest with you, i think you should take a couple hours to go down a reddit rabbit hole reading about the experiences of people who waited until marriage to have sex. i was one of those people for religious reasons. it basically ruined my life for a decade.