She passed away 8 weeks ago. She had been ill for some time (not in the hospital ill, but hasn’t been well after a stroke a few years ago). She was also in her 70s, and of course I knew eventually she would pass away. Her quality of life wasn’t great (she couldn’t do many of the things she used to enjoy), but she and dad lived together (alone) and she still seemed ok for the most part.
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She ended up getting an infection and passed away within 48 hours. It really hit me very hard. Even though I knew this day would come eventually, I didn’t expect it right NOW and not so fast. Also, as soon as that happened, my dad’s health nose dived. He had mild dementia but suddenly it got much worse. He didn’t want to be alone. And his physical health also declined.
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For now, my sister and I have decided what’s best for dad is for us to stay with him (we each have our days). He gets easily confused and hates being alone (or leaving the house), so we just stay with him. It is our short-term plan (haven’t quite decided long term, but have some ideas that we are discussing).
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My partner is starting a new demanding job in August. But he’s been less than supportive of me. As an example, he told me he wanted us to go on a 3 day road trip so I could relax only 1 week after my mom died. When I said yes that sounds fun…but not right now, he got very irritated with me. In fact, he’s caused me a LOT of stress over these past 8 weeks. He’s never once come with me when I go to my dad’s. He demands all kinds of things of me (make his appointment, follow up with this person, send emails to that person). He’s also become rather cold towards me. And on top of it all, prior to all this happening (just in March my parents were going alone fine), my partner and I had a couple of plans. We were renting a cabin for a romantic weekend at the end of July to celebrate my birthday. And we had a concert we were going to later this month.
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I’ve really been struggling. I was very close to my mom. I’ve gone on anti-depressants. I have bad insomnia and always feel drained now. So even though I’ve agreed to these two plans we had, I’m not a barrel of fun right now. And it seems to really annoy him. He acts distant. He tells me that we need to do lots of things during these next couple of months before he starts work. When I tell him I’m just not up to it he gets really annoyed with me.
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So much fighting as of late (and I’m still smack dab in the middle of grief). He hasn’t been emotionally (or logistically) supportive. And I don’t know what to do.
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He just told me he wants us to go to a marriage counsellor twice a week. Right NOW? He says we need to meet each other’s needs better. But I really don’t think he’s referring to my needs as he makes no effort.
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So I’m here thinking….is this a reaction he’s having to my grief? Grief by proxy (and dealing with it horribly)? He definitely isn’t grieving my mom. He barely made any effort to really get to know her (we’ve been together 5 years!). And he’s always been much more the “Taker” in our relationship, but since I’m a natural born giver it didn’t really cause too many issues.
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Or is this just screaming at me that he’s selfish and unable to be a real partner when I need him? I recently was upset with him and said he wasn’t there when I needed him, and he said that’s my fault because I trained him to be that way because I was so “independent”. I don’t think that’s the case…I just think I have my sh\*t together and don’t require the endless help he requires in life. When I point out that I actually help him all the time but don’t need that type of help myself, he says his contribution is that he earns far more than me so without him I will wind up homeless when I’m old. :\\
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I’m wondering if I should pursue this marriage counselling or if I should move out. Suggestions?
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tldr: mom died, I’m helping look after my dad and my partner is cold, demanding and unsupportive.
7 comments
Is this something you find acceptable? Rather than make excuses for his behavior either ask him directly or drop him.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Gentle hugs friend. ❤️
Soo quick question, are you guys married? If not run. Not walk. Run.
He is treating you like your his maid/secretary/mom. He is making you do EVERYTHING. He doesn’t even seem to appreciate or thank you for your help. Instead he shoots back he earns more. Honey the money ain’t worth it when it’s attached to a jerk.
He sounds entitled, selfish, and is probably jealous that your paying attention to him instead your grieving and paying attention to your ill father.
I’m sorry for your loss and your father’s illness.
When I lost my mom my husband took care of everything he could. Didn’t make demands, didn’t try to force me to deal with life before I was ready, didn’t try to make me feel like shit for needing time and space to heal from my loss.
You know good and well that you’ll be better off without him dragging you down.
You know, it’s times like this that will really show you what kind of a partner you have. Are they empathetic and supportive or are they self-centered and only considering how your grief is inconveniencing *them*?
Honestly, a road trip with an empathetic, supportive partner might not be a bad idea. But this guy isn’t that and he’s going to expect you to “act happy” so you don’t ruin his buzz.
Life happens. Sometimes you don’t get to do what you planned but you make the best of it. He doesn’t sound like he’s doing that.
Couples counseling might be an option if for no other reason than to clarify for yourself why you’re with this guy and if he worth hanging onto.
Ah, yes. Your partner sounds a lot like my (41) bf (40) who sometimes needs to be clued in on how others are feeling and what’s socially appropriate.
I think you should go to the couple’s counselor, so he can better understand how you are feeling and what you are going through. Say what you need him to do and how he can support you. Try to understand why he would want to go on a road-trip immediately after her death.
I’m guessing the road-trip idea was his way of trying to relieve your stress by getting away from it all because my bf suggested we take a day-trip when I was overwhelmed with too much to do at work. My bf really wanted to help me, but didn’t know how, so he made that suggestion and was hurt when I turned him down.
I think counseling will actually bring you together, and he will ease your burden. And if he continues to be selfish after counseling, dump him.
What is he telling you when you say you’re still grieving and having a rough time?
Don’t make rash decisions while you’re still so deep in your grief. Do try the marriage counseling. You can always leave, but at least make some attempts to explain that things just are different for a while and it’s not over in 8 weeks. It seems like you have a relationship where you care more for his needs and he returns less of it and that part is now lost. So this could be a chance to discuss that inequality, because long term it’s one of those things that make you resent him. Maybe you’re already at that point. But then you tried all avenues and it’s easier to walk away.
It sounds like he’s annoyed at you because you can’t continue being the eternal giver. Honestly, the more you wrote the more selfish he sounded. Unless he really winds his neck in and steps up for you while you really need the support of your loved ones, I think it’s fairly clear that your relationship isn’t one that will support you through your life. What he said about you being homeless without him was a very cruel thing to say – I feel very concerned about that. That doesn’t seem loving and kind and supportive. Of course it’s natural for him to feel some strain when you’re not well, but he doesn’t even seem nice to you to be nice to you? Do you think he’s nice only when you handle everything for him?