Blah, I have been meaning to do this for a while and I am a little scared but I wanted to get this out there plus I need some feedback. I am not sure what to say or how much information I should give so if there are any question please put them in the comments. As this is a throwaway account I may not respond as quickly as I would like but I’ll do my best.
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I grew up in a super fundementalist quiver full adjacent family. I am the first of 10 kids. My dad is a narcissist who wanted to control his kids, any individuality was eventually discouraged in my family. Also I was taught from a young age to fear woman and sex. Sex was only to happen between married folks. My dad also believed that a boy should not leave the home until he got married.Regardless of this environment I dreamed of living my own life and I really looked forward to being a young adult and finding a wife for me to be happy with. As confused as I was with girls I really wanted a relationship with one.
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As a I grew up, my father used my weaknesses and mistakes to paint me as a sinful person who was a victim to their passions. I eventually lost faith in myself and relied on my father to basically think for me. After a while, I sincerely thought he knew best and wanted my best interest. I didn’t always think this but he was good at taking advantage of me and my sincerity.
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Also, my parents kept me from making relationships with people my age, in general, regardless of gender. Anytime I voiced desire for friends I was shamed and mocked. This lead to a more miserable existence.
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I trusted that my life would improve as a I approached my twenties. Surely my parents would encourage me to get a job and start my own life. That never happened. My dad didnt want me to work unless I started my own business but he did let me work jobs that he found for me. Eventually I went to work for him in construction. I hated it but I was taught to love work… So I loved it, and it was better than doing nothing at the house.
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We went to a small church where my dad was the pastor. There were only a handful of other families and one of them had a girl my age. Partly becasue I found her boring and partly because I was awkward with girls, we didnt talk much. I had a feeling my dad wanted us together though. He would hint but didnt push me much. Part of the reason is that at the time I didn’t have stable work.
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Finally, when I had some stable enough work my dad really pushed that I marry this girl. I REALLY REALLY REALLY did NOT want to! I wrote about how I didnt want to almost everyday and I told him that I really did not think she was the one. However he was relentless and my life felt like it was going NO WHERE!!! I felt like I was wasting away my youth, I felt like I wasted my teen years already. I remember just coming to the conclusion that it didnt matter if I wanted to marry her or not, it was inevitable and I was fighting the inevitable.
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So I started dating her. At first it didnt go too well but I was strongly encouraged to stick through it. Eventually I told myself I wanted this and that if I was faithful I would fall in love with her. That never happened but I lied to myself. I had no feelings and I was COMPLETELY disconnected from what I wanted, romantically. Looking back I was not interested in being a relationship at all, I just wanted to go to college. I told me that if this was the Lord’s will and that if it wasn’t he would stop it. I would always be happy with the Lord’s will, right? The truth is that I was not into her.
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So eventually we got married. I felt like I was dying the entire ceremony but I stuffed those feelings away. Plus it was legit an emotional time, no matter what. Because we were never taught any birth control we had a son very soon after the wedding. then we moved to Southern California so I could go to school. I also worked a full time job while studying. She was a stay at home mom. We had a little girl during this time.
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During school, I was constantly imagining what it would be like with other girls but I worked very hard to fight those thoughts. I thought that was normal sexual struggles. I tried very hard to chose my wife above everything and fall in love with her. My feelings were SO stuffed at this point.
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Finally, one of my last semesters, I asked myself if this is the life I wanted. This coincided with me realizing just how much of a stupid little man my dad was and realizing he was the ONLY reason I am with this girl. It all came down, all the structures I had built to protect myself from myself and reality, and I realized that I truly do not love my wife.
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Trying to talk with her about things of this nature is very difficult. She isnt the most stable person and she just wants to live a quiet life as a family. I am not sure if she is lying to herself like I lied to myself or if she is sincere. Our relationship fluctuates, sometimes we are constantly fighting and sometimes we aren’t. I am not a very affectionate and never have been. She thinks that is due to my abusive childhood and that definitely played a part but I have realized that I am not affectionate because I am really not that into her. I find her boring. Sometimes… oftentimes… I do not even feel like my kids are my own.
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At this point I am at a loss. Right now is a REALLY bad time to divorce as I am about to enter grad school to pursue my dream career. I want what’s best for her, sincerely. I also want what us best for the kids. But the truth is I am constantly miserable and I want to violently assault my dad while screaming into his face. I want to flirt with a girl I think is cute, I want to fall in love, I want to pursue my passions unfettered. I am tired of not feeling connected with my wife and she not “getting” me. I want to have an engaging conversation with her that doesnt end with her getting mad at me (I am very philosophical and critical by nature and she isn’t this way, despite saying that she is that way or she gets bored with what I am saying. I know this happens in relationships its just that it always happens to us). I am unhappy and I do not know what to do. aNything would be appreciated. thank you… And sorry for the obnoxious length.
11 comments
I could say a lot more and now that I have posted my issue I am thinking of more but I will leave it as is. I really hope to get some feedback though!
I think that you need to consider both individual and couple counseling. If you are in college most schools have low cost counseling services. You need to first straighten out your psyche then you can make clear and informed decisions about your life going forward. Couple counseling will help with that and also help you and your wife sort out whether to continue the marriage or give up. Your wife might also need individual counseling.
It’s a bit conflicting as you should not really have gone the family way (having kids) if you were not into her….
Even after first one, could have tried to hold….
But it seems physical desires overpowered mental state….
Now it’s not just two of you, but the kids as well, without any fault of any of them, except of having a weak / confused person as their husband and father….
Anyways, before taking any drastic step, why not dip your toes first….
See if you can move the family to your parents (or in laws) place when you go to your dream course… That will bring some independence to you.. then try to flirt with girls around and see how it goes (assuming that now you would know how to hold conversation with opposite sex)…
How are your other siblings doing
Why is now a bad time to divorce? I would think this would be a great time to divorce so you can have you college experience.
There is no GOOD time to divorce. If it is at all feasible for you, that’s what I would suggest. The longer you stay, the more time of hers and your own you’re wasting and the more you’re instilling in your children that a loveless marriage is normal. I’m sure that’s not what you want for anyone involved.
If you need help figuring out how to extract yourself, therapy might be helpful. Probably a good idea anyway to unpack the trauma you endured growing up in a religious cult. It’s okay to be on your own for a while as you get your degree and figure things out. You have never spent time living independently and learning who you are as an individual. It’s really important that you do that. Your kids will be okay, your wife will be okay, divorce is not fun but it’s much better than living miserably for the rest of your life. You can do this.
[PsychologyToday](http://psychologytoday.com) is a great resource for finding a therapist if you’re not sure where to start.
Ok reviewing what you wrote:
You don’t love your wife. You never loved her. You never wanted to marry her. You were isolated and shamed and pressured (borderline forced) to do so, and didn’t have the strength to resist.
You had children due to social pressure not because you wanted them.
You never developed as an independent person, you have no friends, career, and community that is your own.
I would start to look inward and develop yourself and what you want. Create a community and friends that are YOURS based on your interests and needs, not your fathers or his church.
I think eventually you will need to divorce your wife but work on yourself and what you really want and need. You’re a sheltered embryonic human who hasn’t made his own decisions for himself. Time to start doing that and what to do about your loveless “arranged” marriage will become clear.
I feel like I am comment dumping my own post but this is kinda a big deal to me. any advice on how to talk to my wife about these things would be appreciated!!!
Get therapy for yourself. Are you living back near your families or away? If you’re away from them stay away as it is better for you. Don’t have anymore kids (not sure if you and your wife use birth control now or not or if she will consent to BC of any kind). Figure out what you want in life.
I see that you feel it would be good for your wife to live alone, but I don’t see that happening based on what you say about her. I think she would take the kids and go right back home. If you do decide to divorce think about how you want to handle custody. If you don’t want the kids to be put back with that cult speak to an attorney before your wife and bring up your concerns.
Both you and your wife need consoling.
Yes, you are married, and have kids. Is it the marriage you want, that is to be decided.
Keep in mind your wife was raised in the same church and she is most likely taught to be married to have kids and keep husband happy. She hasn’t been able to live a normal life either.
The 2 of you need to break from the church and family to be able to learn who you really are.
She should have a chance to go to college too.
Do NOT have a kid with her.
Get a divorce.
Move AWAY from your toxic parents and that community.
Start getting some therapy, it will help you a lot.
Graduate and live your best life.
You’ve been through enough for three people.
I know other comments have mentioned therapy, but have you also considered talking to her about what she and you REALLY want. Breaking out of the repressed environment can be hard for people mentally, and in many cases there can be a lack of critical thinking. From your post is sounds like you don’t struggle with these issues, but your wife might. To make the situation more bearable maybe you could talk to her and help her, in a way, ‘open her eyes.’ Maybe in this way there’s a chance she reflects and changes (with therapy), and the living situation becomes better- or at least a more amicable divorce. Good luck though!