I want to preface this with I KNOW that I sound crazy but I can’t work through this myself.
I have cancer and will have major surgery next week. I’ll be totally reliant on my husband and he insists on being there every step of the way. He’s been in the room for invasive exams, in preop and post op for a biopsy with me, etc and I hate it. We have been married for 11 years, he did help me shower after giving birth and helped with postpartum needs back then as well, but that is different (in my mind) because birth is natural and it was his baby too. I am really, really struggling with letting him be there for me right now. I don’t want him to see me as weak, unattractive, or less sexy. The entire time I was in preop last week, I was uncomfortable with him there, seeing me in a hospital gown/monitor wires on/hair net/wheeled back for procedure. It’s shallow. I know recovery from my surgery is going to be awful and there will be lots of unpleasant side effects.. I have always felt incredibly sexy and all of this happening is ruining my self esteem. I think that’s really behind why I don’t want him to see me like that, I don’t want to worry that he’s less attracted to me as I am already mourning my current body and can only imagine how much worse it will be in a couple weeks. The only reason I was able to tolerate him being with me in preop last week is because my therapist punched me in the gut with this “he will have so much regret and anger if you die and he wasn’t allowed to be there for you”. Please, how do I get past this! I am married to the most golden retriever of husbands and he adores me, this is totally a me thing and not his feelings at all. Yes we’ve talked about it, numerous times. I feel trapped between doing what I want and doing what he wants.
21 comments
Just say,
“I love you. Thank you.”
And when you cry he will know.
I would be very hurt if my wife wouldn’t want me too take care of her in her time of need. It’s his job and he’s doing it wonderfully.
Think of it this way – would you want to be there for him if the roles were reversed?
Put some trust into him. If he is a golden retriever of a husband, he will probably cheer you on and see how strong and powerful you are! I’m glad you have such a great person to rely on, who is not running away from this very painful situation.
I’m also sorry you are going through it all.
See if the hospital has a health psychologist available. They can help you find a way to have some of the privacy you want and for your husband to feel he is able to support you.
Your honesty about how you’re feeling is great and I think you’ll find a solution. Wishing you speedy recovery and good health!
Your husband sounds like a wonderful human being. This may be a time to lean in and trust. Speaking as someone who had numerous complex surgeries, I would have been so lost without my wife. You two are partners in life, wherever it may lead you. Sending you positive thoughts for your upcoming surgery, all the best 👍
i have been with my husband when he had a horrific bicycle crash (avid cyclist) that half his face ended up with disfigurement. his face was swollen for 2 weeks after his initial op and another 2 week from his subsequent corrective surgery (which didn’t really cover much honestly). throughout of it, my dad was struck with pneumonia and got into ICU before being moved to highly dependent ward (in my country, public hospital nurses allow immediate family to help out in the ward as they are very short staffed). i went back and forth both the most important men in my life for close to 4 months to support their recovery. so i totally get your husband here. would totally hate it and regret if i am not there every step of the way (both my dad and husband). cleaning up, dressing up/down, bathing and taking care of them because i love them for them.
don’t turn your husband away. he needs you even when you’re in this state.
You don’t sound crazy, but your mind is in the wrong place.
Having been on the other end of this, one of the things your husband is feeling is helpless. It is the absolute worst feeling in the world to see a loved one suffer and not be able to do anything about it. He isn’t standing by you because he wants to, he’s doing it because he NEEDS to. It’s all he has. Don’t cut him out.
A good husband doesn’t love his wife for her body. He loves her body because she’s his wife. Trust him.
Cancer is as natural as childbirth. And your cancer affects the whole family.
Writing from my bed after having a hip reconstruction at the ripe old age of 35: it’s scary to feel reliant on someone, especially someone who you so desperately want to see you as their (sexy!) equal. I even went to my pre-op alone and didn’t ask DH to take off work.
This probably sounds a bit flippant but think about it like this: there were days even before this where he thought you were less attractive and days he thought you were more attractive. I can 100% guarantee this to you internet stranger. Attraction ebbs and flows. It doesn’t matter if it’s gone for a while, it will come back.
He doesn’t see you as weak, either! You are going through something so big and challenging. Bigger than most of us myself included can even imagine. He is proud of you and he probably already thinks you are stronger than him. There are so many ways to be strong. Sharing moments of vulnerability is one of the strongest things. Pretty much every day my DH says something like he is grateful that I’m doing what it takes to get our lives back and is seeing me get stronger and stronger. He sees strength in me I don’t see in myself. And he’s no golden retriever either, he self-identifies as an eeyore.
You’re both going to see each other differently, and that’s okay! Marriage is a journey. Good luck with your surgery and fuck cancer!!!
I am sorry you are dealing with this. I have been married 18 years- I understand wanting to feel confident and sexy. To not feel vulnerable.
He wants to be there. He wants to love you, fully. Let him.
Energy is powerful, and no matter how your physicality changes, your soul and your essence will remain the same.
I wish you healing.
I had surgery a year ago. Not for cancer, but it still knocked me on my butt. I kept trying to take care of things around the house, like I usually do. My husband fussed at me, but at some point, he said an important thing to me…
“Please just let me love you by taking care of you.”
I felt woefully unattractive and very useless. I needed his care. I needed him to help me. But my pride was getting in my way. It sounds like you are a very independent person, but you need him to help you right now. Trust in his love. Trust him that he’s not going to lose attraction for you.
If you feel uncomfortable during a specific procedure, it’s okay to ask him to leave the room for a few minutes. The attending professionals will be cool about it and help you.
At the same time, this is where you are so fortunate to not be alone. Yes, chemo and radiation and barfing and all that you face is so not sexy. But we are human and we go through a lot of things in life that will never be glamorous.
Ask the nurse if there’s a social worker or chaplain who can help you process some of these feelings.
And to be clear as another hairy-legged guy, I’m telling you that he loves you even more when you’re battling this. His brain doesn’t process this as a missed sexy time. He sees this as his closest family member is facing something awful and he loves and supports you far beyond what he thought he might have. I’ve seen my wife through surgeries, vomit, feces and even saw organs come out of her and then go back in but quite the opposite–I only loved her more.
problem with this logic is, you will actually do the opposite and push him away and make him less attracted to you by going this route you are going
I’m disabled, and my husband knew this before dating me. He has gotten me out of bed, carried me to the bathroom, undressed me, put me in the shower, washed me, taken me out, dried me off, got me dressed in clean clothes, carried me to the bedroom and put me back in bed many times because I was just too sick to do it myself. Basically over the years he has done everything for me but wipe my ass when I’ve been not doing well. I’m doing much better now and he still finds me attractive and desirable. This is why people get married, to have someone in your corner for life no matter what(within reason). I have told him multiple times that if I need to wipe his ass when we’re older, I will. Your husband wants to take care of you in your time of need, let him. Don’t focus on whether he will still find you sexy or not, and just focus on healing. Those thoughts have crossed my mind before too, but you can’t pay them any mind. You have cancer, you need to put your mental energy into healing. I wish you the best!
>I don’t want to worry that he’s less attracted to me as I am already mourning my current body and can only imagine how much worse it will be in a couple wee
You don’t get to have the right to decide whether he still finds you attractive or not. Regardless of what you feel about yourself you have no right to decide for him.
Let’s be honest here this is about you and you are projecting it all onto him, you know this though so the question becomes
Are you going to be a good enough wife for him, are you going to allow him to honour his goes to you or are you going to destroy something you clearly love and want purely out of some narcissistic tendency to play the hero and the victim of your own story.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I think your feelings are valid – when I’m sick I basically crawl into the guest bedroom with saltines and ginger ale and don’t emerge until I feel better. I’d have an honest heart to heart talk with your husband and let him know that sometimes it hurts when he sees you in a different light.
Rather than framing this as what you don’t want him to do, see you as a sick and weak person, frame it positively – you want him to see you as the sexy and beautiful goddess that he married. Give the man a job. Instead of escorting you to every appointment, his job is to find a nice, luxurious robe, some bath salts, chocolate covered strawberries, your favorite movie, and have a night in.
I know this is a serious post, but your description of your husband as “the most golden retriever of husbands” is very heartwarming and descriptive. Maybe because our youngest daughter just adopted a golden, about a year ago now, and I can completely understand this sentiment. I don’t think my wife would use such a kind word – not that i stray but I’m not much of a “caretaker”. THat’s the beauty of humans and life, we have different strengths, interests and abilities. Your husbands is loyalty and caretaking….accept it for him and you.
Your husband loves you just as you are – dressed up, dressed down and even not dressed at all (/s)…..let him care for you as it will strengthen his emotional ties to you, satisfy his loyalty and caretaker needs and also help you experience unadulterated love as the two of you work through the diagnosis and the eventual recovery. I mean you do plan to recovery, right? fight fight fight….and FCK CANCER. blessings to you and your husband!!!
Your husband is amazing, most men divorce their wives when thee wives have cancer. One of my best friends had cancer a few of years ago and her husband was there every step of the way with her and never left her side and their marriage is stronger than ever. You should let him be there for you, he loves you no matter what you look like, you will need all the support you can get while you go through this. My friend that had cancer appreciated all the support the got even if it was someone texting her to see how she was doing.
From an outsider looking in your hubs sounds like an amazing partner. He is showing you his unconditional love for you. Cherish that and focus on that and that might put your mind at ease.
I’ve loved my wife for almost 30 years now. What makes her beautiful, desirable and sexy is not her being a perfect image, it’s because of who she is.
When I look at her and am overcome with love, desire or lust it’s because I am seeing her – all of her, her c-section scars, some of lines, I’m probably responsible for, her gray hairs, the stretch marks all of her. That’s what makes her beautiful and sexy.
I hope and pray I can be the golden retriever husband my wife deserves, that would be my biggest and best accomplishment and truly would bring truth to my sacred wedding vows.
Please let your husband love and support you, let him be the partner that stands by and helps you, protects you and loves you. That’s what he signed up for and trust me when I say none of this detracts in any way from how attracted he is to you, rather it’s proof that the attraction is not superficial.
Lastly, good luck, Godspeed and I’m praying for you. You’ve got this, be fierce!
So first off, I’m no psychology Ph.D. but “he will have so much regret and anger if you die and he wasn’t allowed to be there for you” sounds a bit heavy-handed and unprofessional to me. I don’t want to make assumptions because you know best. Are you sure you’re seeing the right therapist?
As far as your concern goes, him being there for you emotionally and physically doesn’t mean he has to participate 100% of the time. This is especially true if it’s making you self-conscious and uncomfortable like it clearly is. You don’t want to forget what the medical professionals are telling you or forget to ask important questions because you’re concerned about your husband’s perception. Just tell him that for your sake, he needs to give you privacy and that will make you more appreciative of him and not less.
I’m a guy, and my friend got cancer and also has an incredibly supportive fiancé. She’s clear now but a lot happened to her appearance. He’s grateful the woman he loves is alive, her short hair and weight gain are not even on his concern list. If you want advice feel free to DM me.