Basically, my (22m) ex-boyfriend (22m) and I broke up about a month ago. One of the reasons why we broke up is because I felt his friends treated me poorly. There have been many instances they have been rude to me. One of those instances involved someone named Jordan (20m). People in the friend group were waiting in line for food. It was a long line and some of the people in the friend group wanted to get something. I suggested someone stay to hold our spot in line. Jordan instantly then called me stupid, ugly, told me to shut up, and then said it was a stupid idea. Jordan would have a tendency to call me names whenever they got upset or even when I had a different opinion than them.
There was another moment when we went to the mall. I asked everyone in the friend group if they wanted to go to the mall. They said yes. After that, I tried to reach out to them so that we could properly plan our outing together. They did not reply. This is after me even directly explaining that I wanted help planning us going to the mall so that it would go well. Fast forward to us going to the mall, and the mall outing does not go well because it was poorly planned and no one responded. We had also made plans to go to a movie theater nearby. Turns out some people in the friend group could not handle the walk and it took a longer time than expected. This not only made us late to the movie itself, but it also made us late to the dinner we planned to get afterwards. When it came time to decide on getting dinner, everyone got frustated. It was to the point, that some people raised their voices at me. While I understand they were stressed, I asked them multiple times to help me plan us going to the mall. I feel that it was entirely unfair to raise their voices at me and blame me for the situation. After this outing, I never got an apology. There have been other moments similar to this. I feel that whenever someone was upset in the group, I had no respect and it was always easy to either blame me or yell at me for something compared to others in the group. While some people in the friend groups would have arguments with each other, they would always talk to each other with respect that I never got. Even in OTHER STRESSSFUL SITUATIONS. That is why I feel upset. After the mall incident, I cut them off. My ex-boyfriend continued to hang out with them. I didn’t send an explanation because I have tried expressing myself to them in the past and they either didn’t care or they went back to how they acted before.
The reason why I am explaining this is because Jordan was also actually the vice president of a club I made on campus. I made this club fairly recently (Fall 2021) and while it was established we did not have many attending members. The club in question is an autism support group. I was president since I founded the club, but I ended up leaving because I found out that Jordan said things like “Don’t settle for (OP) and date me instead”. I found this out when I read my exboyfriends journal around the time we broke up. I 100% feel that breaching his privacy was wrong, but there were many times he has lied to me and I felt that I needed to know what he was thinking given the situation I was in. We broke up the same time the lease needed to be renewed. This was a huge problem for me as my family situation is not stable and I am on my own for housing. The only reason why I am not homeless right now is because I was able to get housing on campus. I would also like to note that both Jordan and my ex-boyfriend knew about my family’s history of divorce and told them how stuff like this effected me.
After leaving the club, I also reached out to Jordan and let them know how I felt. I told them I was upset, that I was mad at the way the people in that friend group treated me, and also that I felt it was wrong they flirted with my ex-boyfriend that way while we were still together. Jordan did not reply. I told Jordan this on Discord, so I logged out of that account and made a new one. The next day, the advisor of the club reached out to me and told me that Jordan reached out to me to see if I was okay. Jordan never reached out to me and only lied because before I left I sent a message that I was leaving the club due to depression and circumstances. I only sent this to Eboard and did not tell any other club members. After finding this out, I honestly wanted to tell people in the eboard the specifics but felt that would be petty. The best thing to focus on was the objective of the club and telling them what actually happened would get in the way of that.
While I constantly told myself to not think of the club anymore, I regretted it after a few weeks. Once again, I quit due to being depressed not because I didn’t want to run the club. I sent out another message to Jordan to let them know that I honestly wanted to join back but at the same time I dont feel we could both be in the club. Jordan did not reply again. I also found out Jordan shared what I sent to the rest of the old friend group. Their response was anger and only focused on the part where I called them jerks and not the part when I explained why I felt that way. I would like to point out that when I messaged Jordan, while I did say they treated me like jerks, I was overall respectful and feel that I do not deserve the way they responded to me. One of them reached out to me and called me. I tried to talk to them peacefully, but they instantly went to yelling only to then hang up.
I reached out to the Advisor to let them know how I feel. While at first the advisor seemed to come off as if I was only trying to cause drama, I let them know that I did in fact try to reach out to Jordan without contacting them or the other eboard members. I also told them how Jordan lied about checking in on me. As of now, the advisor is trying to contact Jordan, but I honestly am giving up on getting the club back. While the spot I left in the club is still vacant, it is ultimately up to Jordan to decide whether or not I can return.
My question is whether or not I was in the wrong to call out Jordan on their actions as well as what I should do moving forward. While my ex-boyfriend told me what Jordan said wasn’t serious, I feel that it is weird for anybody to not only say that, but also write it down in their journal. I would also like to know if I was in the wrong for being upset with the friend group. TBH, based on Jordan’s actions, I am assuming I will not be able to return to a leader position in the club so at this point I am working on moving on while waiting for the advisor to get back to me. Im sure people will suggest therapy after this, but I actually am working on that and may of found someone today.
TL:DR Ex-boyfriend and I broke up. I found out ex-boyfriend wrote about people in romantic ways in his journal while we were still together. I disagree with reading through journals, but I was in a desperate situation and felt that I could not rely on him while also still needing to know what was actually going on. One of those instances, he wrote down that the vice-president of a club I started on campus that year (I was the president until I quit), as well as friend we used to share, told him to “Dump “OP” for me while I was not there”. I sent the friend a msg but they never replied. Turns out after seeing me leave, they told people they reached out to me when they in fact did not. After a few weeks, I realized I quit due to depression and not because I actually wanted to leave the club. I reached out to the friend again and they didnt reply.
4 comments
You need to drop this.
You were not feeling valued or respected in the group and they were not treating you well. That is valid, but you did handle those feelings in ways that were overly dramatic and even insulting to the group as a whole. Just because you were wronged, doesn’t mean everyone else is going to accept that behavior from you. People just won’t.
You left a situation that was toxic and unpleasant for you. You should have left it at that.
I mean, really, what kind of response did you expect after quitting, and telling Jordan you wanted back but “didn’t feel you both could be in it.” Of course, he ignored you. Ignoring that message was one of the kinder things he could have done. If I were Jordon’s friend right now, I’d be telling him not to engage with you at all without the Advisor present.
Work on the rest of this with a therapist. You’ve gone through a lot and understandable you’re struggling. But as for as Jordan and this club are concerned, learn to cut your losses instead of engaging in pointless confrontations with people who clearly don’t wish to speak to you anymore.
Stop investing in friends that don’t invest in you. They’re your exe’s friends, you don’t need this.
At this point you come across as letting your ego steer the ship and you want everyone to make amends so you feel better.
It wont happen, let it go.
I don’t think you were wrong for saying how you felt. You’re aware that you probably will not get back into the club, so at least you got what you wanted to say off your chest. If I were you, I would move on and maybe even start a separate club.
Glad you told them how you felt, and yes it is dirty that Jordan was saying that stuff while you guys were together, sounds like a pick me. Good on you for calling him out. I think your ex cares more about his friends than you, he should’ve stood up for you. You can do better.