So I am a 23F and live with my brothers, 20M & 21M. I am the main provider of the household because 21M is in college still for a couple of years and 20M has a high school diploma and works in fast food/retail. I’m the only one that works full time 8-5. We have lived like this for about a year now because it splits the bills evenly and we don’t have to worry about rent because we are homeowners through inheritance. We also each have our own expenses that we don’t share, like personal phones and credit cards.
The trouble comes from my youngest brother. I love him, and have known him his whole life, but there are some serious issues when it comes to doing his fair share of a lot of things. For example, I feel like I have to nag him most of the time to even pick up after himself in shared spaces, and I hate that feeling. Things like cleaning the litter box for our cat, washing dishes when it is his turn, taking his turn to take out the trash, etc.
He likes to sleep in the living room most of the time because it is the room with the most air conditioning, and the couch is easy on his back. He even has his gaming set up in there. It wouldn’t really be an issue if it wasn’t for the fact that his stuff is everywhere like as if it was his bedroom. He constantly leaves a huge mess in the living room, screams at GTA or Fortnite if people make him mad (which is really disruptive because I make a lot of phone calls and am working on coursework for an MBA), and never seems to leave the room. I don’t even remember the last time I was able to use the recliner or the couch because his stuff or he is all over it.
If it was his own bedroom, I wouldn’t really care about the fact that he is a bit messy as long as there isn’t trash thrown about. I myself am not the tidiest but I make an effort to make sure the kitchen and other shared spaces stay pretty clean. 21M and I approached him this week about being more mindful about cleaning up after himself and being non-disruptive when people are having conversations or working on something. We like to think we were gentle with our approach, because we have to be with anything to him or he takes it the wrong way. He typically gets mad if someone confronts him or declines responsibility for anything. So he basically said no and guilt tripped us about “you’re ganging up on me”. He does not respond well to criticism at all.
The second issue is that he refuses to accept responsibility when things happen and blows it out of proportion. The other day, one of us put our cutting board away in the wrong drawer and it made the drawer get stuck. I tried my hand at wiggling it loose and couldn’t get it open, so I asked 20M for help. He came in and got frustrated with it (understandable) and ended up jerking on it so hard that he ripped the front of the drawer off. This made him really irritated because he was like “great now that is broken”, and I just told him “well, you’re just going to have to make time to fix the drawer in the next couple of days. I even offered to help. Instead he threw a fit saying “well its not my fault I ripped off the drawer, because it was whoever’s fault it was that put away the cutting board”. He started going on this tirade too of wanting to get physically violent with the wall and some other things. He’s since apologized but he acts like this every time he accidentally breaks something.
And as you can guess from the previous paragraph, he’s really emotionally immature. Granted, none of us in the house are 100% mature and each have our own issues and ways of handling things. Two of us are neurodivergent, so there are times we each need to step back and just breathe. But he really blows it out of the water with things. He gets unreasonably angry at video games, gets super confrontational when he’s mad, and basically throws fits when he does not get his way. He talks a lot about how it seems the world is giving him the middle finger when things happen that are in his control or out of his control. For example, he misses the bus to go to work. Instead of making other arrangements to get to work on time, he rages. And as someone with sensory issues and fear of confrontation, I usually have to barricade myself in my room or leave the house when he does this.
So I guess what advice I am looking for is ways to handle these situations differently. I feel like I have tried being firm, I have tried being gentle. Admittedly, I have also gotten in shouting matches with him. I feel like at this point I have become the Mom role and I did not sign up for this, I struggle to even take care of myself sometimes. We each come from the same background of the loss of a parent and leaving an abusive childhood situation, and its been pretty much put in my hands since I was 15 that I need to look out for him because no one else will. I’m tired of being the sibling that has to be the parent role.
TDLR; My brother refuses to pick up after himself, take responsibility for his actions, and acts like a child at the age of 20. He gets angry when things go his way and it is affecting his relationship with me and my other brother. I am seeking advice on how to handle this and not make the relationship worse.
3 comments
You have been an excellent parent, a good mother and & understanding elder to your little one. I really appreciate your & your brother’s patience..the adjustments that you’ve made & not to use the main room, the couch where there’s this gaming stuff of little one around.
Reading your post, I get a sense as to why your little brother has settled in main hall..?
Somewhere in his mind, he is psychologically not coming to terms with parents issue.. he..
(A) Doesn’t want to be alone.
(B) Feels sense of security when you & his elder brother is around
(C) He loves you a lot & knows you care because as youngest, he was loved by all & sudden family member loss is a nightmare that he has partially accepted but has not processed it like you or your brother.
(D) He could have settled in bedroom but he choose not to. He wants to be heard but he doesn’t know.. he wants to be center of attraction as little one & he knows he needs to grow up .. he also knows that his tantrums only work at home & not outside. There’s something that’s troubling hin.. psychologically.
(E) He is lazy and smart too.. he knows from the bottom of the heart that you & your brother are great.. love him & he is enjoying this avoidance of responsibility only with you two. That shouting & that agression is what kids do when they play the games.
This may sound too silly but please do not leave the little one.. he needs a psychologist otherwise your 2nd brother may move on with life, you will finish your MBA & move on.. but this little one would be struck. It may, later have some impact on his future life partner or interpersonal relationships.
Right now, you & your brother can act little tough.. convey that it’s effecting your studies, change his game setup & he will throw a tantrum. He may not do the dishes well.. but you 3 got to sit & seriously talk to him..
Ask & question him .. Has he come to terms with death in family? Why he needs the sense of security to be in middle of things? Is he lonely outside the house? Tomorrow, you both won’t be there or work may take you to some place else, how would he manage? If he can’t do the chores, how will he get a partner? Will she put up with his behaviour?
He will listen to you & may say, when time comes, he’d see what he can do or figure out.. but ask him, does he need a psychologist?
Look at his reaction.
Be prepared for drama king.
Leave him for 3 days and than be strict.
He’d comply.
If you’re determined to stay in a living situation with him, here is what i suggest for the living room clutter:
Grab a laundry basket or tote bin and label it “[Brother’s] Stuff.” When you go to use the living room and find it a mess, put all his stuff in the basket. Just jumble it in there to clear the surfaces. I mean, don’t chuck a full ice coffee in there, don’t crunch expensive electronics, but don’t be the one to put it away. Empty wrappers, shoes, clothes, books, gaming controllers, etc. All in the basket. This will clear the space for you to use it. When Brother comes around and says “where is my [thing]?” reply “I dunno, did you check your basket?”
If he wants stuff put away neatly, he can put it away neatly. You can reset the space back to functionality without taking on the work of putting it all away. (I do this with my kids toys at the end of each day; I get my relaxing space back without growing resentment for needing to clean their stuff up, and they are happier to not have me so stressed out or irritated by the clutter or demanding they put their stuff away throughout the day. They also know to check the box if something is missing.)
little brother isn’t going to grow up until he’s forced to. right now, he has no reason to change any of his shitty behavior. as long as he gets to stay in his bubble, don’t expect any different from him.