Hi, I know how much of an asshole I sound in the title sounds, and I’m not here to defend myself for what I did but I just want to ask for any advice if we can or not move forward from it. (Atm 5 we’re months in)
A little background for myself, now, all my life I’ve never been in a serious relationship and have come wanting a partner to share the rest of my life with, albeit my sexual history was kind of a red flag for most (esp in my conservative country) and I didn’t really find someone at the time I enjoyed their company with after the hookup. Last year (2021) I have been very sexually active, I do quite well for myself as a bisexual man, not to stroke my ego, but I would say I come off quite confident, can hold a conversation really well, and looks-wise I’d say I could dress up as a girl and no one would think otherwise :>. So in other words I a 21-year-old male, am a sl\*t. I always ask my partners what they want from me b4 the act, and if they wanted anything more than sex I’d say I wasn’t for them and turn them down. So I’m not on any bad terms with my previous partners, in fact, they were actually proud that I got myself a girlfriend and wished me the best of luck.
Come November, a friend of mine linked me up with a girl who was conveniently just looking for a hookup because of a recent breakup 3 months ago, she happened to be living in the same building as me and I reluctantly agreed to go with them drinking that day in her room (I was hesitating because it felt like a new low for me being pimped out to one of her friends). So we were drinking the whole afternoon until night and I offered to drive her friends home, on my way back I asked if she was hungry and if we could eat takeout together, and she happily agreed. It was just us two now and our conversation was effortless, there were no awkward silences, and we were like friends who just reunited talking about everything, I was immediately hooked, she was unlike anyone I’ve met b4, incredibly smart, career-driven and she was almost too attractive for me. We ended up staying 3 days in her room, just doing everything, working (online), eating and especiallyyyy, etc.
On the third day, she had to board a ship back to her province and I had somewhere to go. I kept thinking about her on my way to my event and almost movie-like I rushed back to her room to give her one last kiss before she went. Even away from each other, we talked every day on different platforms, we’d even set up discord dates and call each other. Again people I was hooked :>. She was aware of my sexual past and did not really mind it as much to make it into a deal-breaker, I told her b4 meeting her I already had arrangements with a previous partner of mine and she told me I was free to do what I want since we just met. After the hook-up, I didn’t really enjoy it as much as before, since it wasn’t her, and expressed to her and all my previous partners that I would stop sleeping around.
I asked her out for an open relationship come December since she had just broken up with her boyfriend of 2 years and I thought that giving her this freedom would let her get it out of her system before I ask her out. The open rel. the thing was mostly for her so I didn’t want to be the one overdoing it, a few days after telling her this though, I was out drinking with my friend group, which I had a very close friend-with-benefits attending. We were all so drunk and everyone else had passed out at my place, we were the only two left standing and I made a huge mistake. (I won’t get into the details because of shame). We were still talking daily and that morning I told her what happened the night before via VM but deleted it out of shame. I’m so sorry K :<
A month after the shameful event, I have forgotten about it and continued pursuing her, she eventually came back and after 3 months of constant communication, I couldn’t hold back what I felt anymore and decided to ask her out officially, her saying yes was the happiest day of my life, no f’n contest. Now fast forward, 2 months into the relationship, she had doubts about what I unsent that shameful night, and asked if I had really only slept with one girl after meeting her. I lied and said yes, omitting that night with the FWB, she still had her suspicions but didn’t really pry into it further. 2 months later, I’ve honestly been the happiest I’ve ever been, I could even see her being my last and I expressed to her that constantly and she had expressed the same by then. I didn’t really think of her snooping through my phone because I had honestly forgotten about that night and as I was sleeping, she snooped through my phone and found out (I had done this b4 too and she knew, but honestly I just wanted to read what her friends thought of me).
Anyway, all hell broke loose, the timing of it was horrible too as it was such a busy week for the both of us, (at the time we’d be staying in her room whenever she was in our city), so I made a decision to stay in my room, so we could focus on work and give her space for her to think things through. I was so certain it was over between us, yet I still kept trying to make it up to her, I’d leave small notes on her door, bring her up food, and drinks and ask her how she was doing, all the while trying to finish up the busy week (It was hell, I broke down constantly while working and I could never focus). A week later, she was out with her friends and I offered to give her a ride home not expecting she’d accept, she surprisingly did and we talked everything through, she told me how she felt and all I could do was cry and apologize over and over.
She expressed that it was unfair of me that I lied, that she went into the relationship blind, that the foundation of us was a lie, and that she doesn’t know how to move forward from it. I was so certain she’d end it between us right there, I was clenching my hands so tight on the verge of begging her to forgive me until she said she’ll try to forgive me but that it was nigh impossible of her to trust me again. That broke me, I openly sobbed because I never thought I was worth a second chance, that was really my second happiest moment, and I have been making it up to her ever since.
It will be very hard but she’s honestly worth everything I’ll go through :< at present, a few weeks after that big fight, she says we’re fine but she still hasn’t forgotten about it and that it bothers her some nights. I feel terrible about what she’s going through that and I’m honestly ready to do anything to make her not think we were a mistake. I have had some thoughts of reenacting the way I asked her out but this time, ask if she wants a break from me, that if she needs it I’ll happily wait for her, I’m ready to go through the overthinking hell that would do to me, and am willing to accept if she finds it easier just to start fresh and break up with me completely at the end.
Do ya’ll think this is a good idea? Or is it completely stupid and are there better options for me? \\\*Sorry for the long read :<
1 comment
She ain’t gonna trust you for a long time. This is why you don’t get drunk