What does self forgiveness look like, feel like or mean to you?

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1. LOTS OF TEARS. All of my self-forgiveness has been done on my own, and initially started with the help of a therapist. I’ve had to forgive myself for a few things, but once I learned that I could accept brutal truths about myself. Not sure if this answer is clear enough, I just don’t want to say “I thought about it then I cried about it then I showed myself mercy and now I’m here.” I will say though if it hurts then it’s working. For me personally.

2. Self-forgiveness feels like accepting I have flaws while remembering I am still good a person who can learn from their mistakes and try to be better.

3. It means being kind yet firm with myself. I am understanding of my mistakes and flaws, but still hold myself accountable.

   It’s how I would want a best friend to act with me, but even better because I can always provide that for myself.

4. Loads of therapy has helped me out. I’ve had entire sessions where the only topic of conversation was my own guilt, what I did wrong, and trying to beat myself up over my guilt while my therapist gently guided me away from that behavior. It was a long process, I’m not gonna lie, but doing the work in therapy – things like repeating to myself “You made the best decision based on the information you had at the time” and “no one blames you for what happened but you” and “it is not your job to flog yourself over the action when no one else is” – has helped me out.

   Of course this is very specific to whatever it is you need to forgive yourself for. But I’d say step one is to talk to a therapist so that you can lay it all out in a calming, judgement free zone. Sometimes even just hearing yourself say “I feel guilty because of X” helps.

5. Dude, it’s been so damn hard – I have done so many things I just have hated myself for, hell even up until this morning I was like… in a space where I needed to forgive myself for some bad choices I have made in the like 2/3 weeks.

   I cry about it, journalling helps a lot. Making plans so that I can avoid making the same mistakes. I voice journal because I am not fond of writing too much sometimes and pot, like, that helps me to introspect DEEPLY. That is usually where I find love and forgiveness for myself, in the realization that I am ONLY human and that shit sh*t is HARD.

   And the truth is, no matter how much I beat myself up, and abuse myself… I really am just doing my best even when I think I am not. My best can sometimes looks pale in comparison to the days when I was at my peak.

   You’ve gotta fight for yourself with the fierceness that a mother fights to protect her new born with. you are the mother, you are also the child. a mothers love can be unconditional, and ultra forgiving, so be that to yourself. You are worth it even when you dont feel like it.

6. I teach this as a mindfulness instructor and have had significant success. The method I find most effective with myself and my students comes from the Buddhist tradition, though many other eastern philosophies, religions, and cultural traditions have a similar practice. It’s called a metta meditation. *Metta* means loving-kindness – a synonym for compassion.

   This meditation is advanced, and you should know going in that it can cause emotional discomfort – resentment, anger, contempt, sadness, etc. It’s helpful to follow it with a second meditation, like a heart-centered practice or visualization. I recommend practicing it weekly to bi-weekly, rather than daily. This meditation is also powerful in that it gives you a way to physically and mentally measure where you are at with your own self-love and self-forgiveness. The goal of this meditation is not immediate forgiveness. Instead, we are merely planting the seeds that we hope will one day sprout into forgiveness. We use this meditation to *cultivate* forgiveness.

   You can find several recordings of this meditation on YouTube, but here’s how I teach it:

   * To begin, find a cozy position. The more comfortable you are, the more likely you are to actually meditate, rather than being distracted by how much your knee or back hurts. I like to do it on my back, but you can also do it upright or seated on furniture.
   * Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths in through the nose, releasing them out through the mouth.
   * Begin to conjure a memory of a being you deeply love, human or animal, living or passed. Let this be a memory of a time you felt your love for them and in which that love was returned. Give yourself permission to marinate in this love. Spend several minutes immersed in the memory, using all five senses to fill in the details. What colors can you see? What does the air feel like on your skin? What’s the most distant sound you can hear in this memory? How and where does this love manifest in your body? Feel into those spaces literally, without holding describing words in the mind. Feel without words. What physical sensations arrive? Goose bumps? A tight throat? An increase in heart rate? Allow any emotions to release. Your inner critic may try to talk you out of that. Don’t listen. If you want to laugh, laugh. If you want to smile, smile. If you feel the urge to sob, allow it. Lean in to being vulnerable. You will notice physical changes when you tap into this love, and that is the power of love. It literally changes our physiology in mere seconds when we choose to give it our full attention.
   * Offer this being four blessings by reciting them mentally in your head.
   * May you be happy.
   * May you be well.
   * May you be free from suffering.
   * May you be filled with compassion.
   * Now take a pause. Rate the intensity of the love you feel for this being on a scale of 1-5. 1=little to no love; 5 = the most intense love you have ever felt. Note the nature of this love. Is it selfless, unconditional love? Or possessive, romantic love? Platonic? Familial? Then, shift the direction of this love. See if you can maintain it’s intensity as you direct it now toward yourself. For most of us, this is a tall order. It’s far easier for us to conjure love for others than for ourselves. Note any shift in the intensity of the love and give it number. Then offer yourself the same four blessings:
   * May I be happy.
   * May I be well.
   * May I be free from suffering.
   * May I be filled with compassion.
   * Now think of an adversary in your life. Someone you struggle to understand or get along with – a family member, a colleague, a pet, etc. Note any shift in the intensity of the love you feel for them, even if you feel no love at all. And then offer this being the same four blessings, even if you struggle to mean them. Simply say them.
   * Finally, note the intensity of the love you feel for your adversary and then direct that love toward yourself. Notice if the intensity shifts again, giving it a number.
   * Close the meditation with three big release breaths – deep breath in through the nose, out through the mouth. Let those exhales be sighs, and let them be as big and as loud as the body needs them to be. The mind may interrupt here and your inner critic may feel embarassed about breathing this way. Don’t listen. Give the body what it needs – release! We honor the body over the mind here by listening to its needs over the wants of the mind, offering the body compassion.

   This meditation presents ample opportunity for judgment, especially self-judgment. Try to observe those judgments without engaging them, directing them, or participating in them. Just watch them like an outside observer. Again, the goal is to cultivate forgiveness over *time*.

   Most of students, initially, resist forgiveness because they think, “If I forgive, I’m giving myself or someone else a pass for bad behavior.” No. Forgiveness is not a euphemism for condoning bad behavior. And forgiveness must be balanced with self-love. For example, if we’re working on forgiving an abuser, we can forgive them from a distance. But if we go back to that relationship? That’s a sign we need to work on self-love, because we aren’t loving ourselves if we subject ourselves to abuse. It is entirely possible to forgive and maintain self-respect. Additionally, when we struggle to forgive, the only person we punish is ourselves. The person we can’t forgive likely isn’t thinking about you or feeling pain from your lack of forgiveness. But you very likely are by staying in your anger, rather than moving past it. This even impacts our physical health and longevity. It is very much in our interest to forgive.

   The other two tools I use with students who want to focus on forgiveness are the [potato parable from daoism](https://pranaworld.net/the-tao-of-forgiveness/) (very powerful lesson that demonstrates how withholding forgiveness does nothing but cause us harm), and a Buddhist proverb: do not be angry with the beings who you perceive to have wronged you in some way. If you must be angry with something, than be angry with their *pain and suffering*, not with their person, for it is their pain, of which you know nothing, that has caused them to act and say the things that they do.

   Finally, we have a saying in mindfulness: the heart is like a garden, and we have a choice in what we decide to plant there. We can sow fear, or we can sow love. We can sow resentment and contempt, or we can sow compassion and acceptance. And it’s entirely within our power to decide what gets planted there. So what will you plant inside of yours?

7. It feels like you love and respect yourself more, which feels freer