Hi, sorry, this is going to be a long post because I want to give as many details as possible about myself.
I (23M) used to be an extreme introvert, spent most of my childhood playing games on PC (mostly to deal with the divorce of my parents), I was a loner, always refused all social invitations (made fake excuses), pretended I don’t exist and never felt too comfortable around a lot of people. Although I never really regretted attending any social event that I went to. I always thought I’m socially awkward, very skinny, I even hated my own voice, I just wanted to stay away from people but I still talked to a lot of people online and internet was the only enjoyment in my life. But I definitely did have real life friends too (classmates), but only later I figured some of them were the people dragging me down and making me feel so bad and I only kept the real ones. I was also pretty much raised by PC, I watched a lot of movies and things in English and now I speak English around 95% of the time even though it is not my native language. It just opened a lot of new opportunities for me.
After I was 18 and ready to move out, find my own place and job, a lot has changed for me. I was finally forced to talk to people, take responsibility of my own life, make some new friends, colleagues, pretty much things that were inevitable at that point. It seems crazy to me how I actually don’t have issues talking to people anymore when most of my life I had to think 10 times before I even opened my mouth. I even had a relationship for the first time in my life which unfortunately did not end well after 2 years, but still that is experience, I guess. I live in another country now, I have people who I would kind of consider friends, but I don’t really have any close friends. Not anyone to talk to daily about the small things. I don’t know how to make friends, I don’t really have any hobbies because I still haven’t found anything I enjoy, after work I still tend to spend time alone watching stuff online or just randomly walking around the city listening to music to kill some time. I tried drawing, some sports, working out (I still sometimes do but just very casually at home) but nothing really does it for me. Whenever someone asks me about my hobbies I just turn silent or make up something because I genuinely don’t have an answer for that. It really bothers me that there is nothing I enjoy (and I don’t think it is because of depression or something). I actually like cooking but I just can’t be bothered to cook anything decent for myself. If I’d have a guest I’d cook a great meal and spend hours in the kitchen for sure. 🙂
From completely distancing myself from people I became very attached to them and I actually find no enjoyment in playing PC games anymore (maybe 2h a week at max) but now I want to spend time with people irl. And the problem is I don’t think people want to spend time with me. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I tried to ask couple people out in between chat messages but the answers are always similar – either the message gets unanswered, they say they are busy (for whole month) or another excuse. At that point I get anxious and just don’t ask them again, assuming they don’t want to do anything with me. Even if I suggested doing the person’s favorite thing which I know they liked because they told me. My most recent experience is going to a cinema with a friend (I think we had a good time) but when I asked if she wants to go out again some day, and I did not even specify a date, it was pretty much a no because again, she is busy..
Also the issue I have is that I don’t have a single close friend, I have people who I could message but not anyone to really open up to. I opened up to like two people recently but the conversation just turned a bit awkward and they didn’t seem very interested in what I’m trying to say. I’m never anyone’s #1 choice or person to hang out with… I always try to be nice to everyone, i think i’m a good listener but i don’t know what is going on, maybe i’m just too awkward or unlikeable. I also want to mention that majority of my friends are girls, I just seem to get along with them much better, maybe because I’m more of an emotional person? Everyone seems to be living in their own happy social bubbles but I’m really struggling to create one for myself and have a person that would hang out with me or maybe something more.
I appreciate any advice, thank you.
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Think about it this way. You want people to text/invite you, which is fine. But why should people text/invite you ? The truth is people subconsciously attach you to the value you bring to your interactions. In other words, there has to be a clear, unique, and convincing reason for people to reach out to you. People gather this from the quality of conversations you have with them. You reaching out or knowing them for a long time isn’t simply enough for them to reach out to you. You have to genuinely connect with them in person, be confident in expressing yourself in person, and bring positive vibes. Even better, find ways to add to people’s lives. Maybe you have a skill, hobby, or talent that aligns with people’s interests. Let them know about it. Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those who impact their lives.
In general, people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who isn’t so focused on things like texting/messaging and is self confident and well-rounded in life. You need to focus on becoming genuinely busy in life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while learning how to interact with other people on the side. Chase excellence, not people.