To sum it up briefly, we met four years ago and quickly fell in love. He came to live with me two years ago and never paid rent. I’m a little lost because he’s not mean, he helps me around the house, etc. He is an engineer and has not been able to find a job since finishing his studies.
For my part, I have been working freelance for nearly three years and it works. There are still complicated months but I realize that it would be fine if I did not support it financially.
He can’t stand me bringing up the subject, he tells me that it hurts him and that I think he’s doing it on purpose and I feel bad.
My dream is to move to the mountains. I would like to do it with him but without work it’s complicated. Sometimes I feel like he’s using me, but it’s hard to talk to him about it, so I don’t know.
When he looks for a job, he only looks for 3 or 4 hours and he quits and plays video games. I work at least 60 hours a week and I’m tired. From the outside it may seem obvious, but from the inside it is not.
I have the stress on my shoulders and it’s starting to get heavy. This month, it has been difficult to pay the rent (I had warned him for weeks) because I lend him a little money from time to time and one of my clients is late in his payment. I thought it was going to make him react but he lectured me on the fact that I don’t sell my products expensive enough.
Really, I’m lost on the solutions to solve this problem. Thanks for reading this far and thanks for your help.
tl;dr : My boyfriend hasn’t had a job in 3.5 years and gets mad everytime I mention it.
45 comments
Cut back on some bills. Like high speed Internet (unless you need it for work). Don’t lend him any more money. See where else you can cut your household spending.
Why isn’t he door dashing, task rabbiting, or similar? Or taking a low wage job just to get some income?
Sit him down and have a serious conversation with him. It doesn’t matter that his feelings get hurt. You are stressed. Why do his hurt feelings take priority over your stress?
He is lazing about playing video games when you are working 60 hours a week. That’s not ok.
My husband was out of work for a while. We had an agreement. For 6 months he could focus on getting a job in his specific area. After that, he had to get any job that he applied to. I would prefer a husband with work ethic than a freeloader waiting for the next ‘professional opening’
What jobs did he do in his 20s?
>He can’t stand me bringing up the subject, he tells me that it hurts him and that I think he’s doing it on purpose and I feel bad.
OK, yeah– this is pure manipulation on his part.
I’m not sure where you live, but in the US unemployment is near record lows and even if he can’t find a job in his field, basically every retail store, restaurant, warehouse, etc. is hiring and that would at least help. And I can’t imagine there are many places where engineers are not in demand.
>he **helps** me around the house
So, usually when people use the word ‘help’ to describe their partners contribution to the chores it boils down to them doing less than 50% of the work.
Please tell me he’s doing a lot more than that…
Time to walk. You are taking care of him and he likes it that way. He has no intentions of getting a job. That’s complete baloney saying he can’t find a job in 3.5 years.
Sounds like he has some mental issues? Is he in treatment? Most cities have free treatment for the unemployed. Something to consider.
It “hurts” him that you’d want him to financially contribute to your relationship. Yeah, it’s not that he can’t find a job, OP, it’s that he doesn’t want to. Why would he want to work when you financially support him? This isn’t some new thing, it’s been almost your entire relationship! I’m honestly confused why you let him move in with you when he had been jobless for so long at that point.
And now, say he seriously tries for a job…he has a HUGE employment gap! Because he’s done fuck all for years.
The solution is to kick out the freeloader and break up with him. You work 60 hours a week and he does nothing! It’s no longer about just the job, he just doesn’t respect you. And I know that sucks to hear, but someone who cares about you isn’t going to let you work yourself to the bone while they just happily play games all day.
> Really, I’m lost on the solutions to solve this problem
Cut off the dead weight.
Seriously, he’s been unemployed for almost all your relationship with him. Clearly, he feels no responsibility to contributing. He’s happy just to use you so he can play video games all day.
He is doing what he wants when he wants. Why would he change?
The problem isn’t that he *cant* find a job, it’s that he doesn’t want to and therefore isn’t trying.
He’s got a great life right now. No responsibilities, just hanging out and playing games, doing a couple of chores and then throwing a guilt trip your way any time you try to discuss it.
Your boyfriend is completely happy for you to carry the entire burden of adulting. Think about that. He’s not interested in an equal partnership. He’s not interested in helping to make your life easier or to achieve your goals. All he is interested in is maintaining the comfy lifestyle he has now. If he was going to change he would have done it sometime in the last 3 years. He hasn’t because he doesn’t want to. Tell him he has 30 days to move out. You’re done.
Of course he doesn’t want you to bring it up, he doesn’t want to loose his meal ticket. 3.5 years of “job hunting?” Ma’am, im sorry, but i think you’re in denial here. This is your life, you’re not moving to the mountains with this freeloader
Why isn’t he doing something else? I can understand that it takes a while to get a job in your desired field, but rent still needs paying in that time. Uber? McDs? Cleaning? Anything? Even a minimum wage would be better than what he’s doing now.
In over 3 years, there isn’t really an excuse anymore. The only reason he doesn’t have a job is because he doesn’t need one, you pay for everything.
I would suggest cutting costs, specifically costs that mostly benefit him. As long as you keep letting him sit at home and do nothing, that’s all he will do.
He is using you. He’s cut off your ability to discuss it because it makes him feel bad and he gets angry.
BUT it doesn’t make him feel so bad that he does something about it.
He’s living off of you and controlling you.
Financial and emotional abuse.
Without him you could have your dream home and freedom to find a decent person to share it with.
Time to decide if you are going to kick him out or if you are going to leave. Be prepared for anger, tears, begging for another chance and of course being blamed for everything.
Don’t fall for any of it.
In a friendship it is already tiring. In a love relationship I think it is even harder. If he can’t find a job in his area, he could try to find ANY job if it is to help in the bills or even to have some comfort sometimes – if he wants to buy some food you like, or a videogame or even take you on a date.
It will get harder and harder because he is already used to this situation. Do you think you can build a family (not only in having a baby way), afford a nice life together if he doesn’t even try that hard? The way to show these things are with empathy. You can try to say you would help him with some contacts (if you have a client that need an employee or something in a general area) or to give his curriculum away to some places…
I have a friend that was that way and I could not make our friendship while I paid everything, or when I had to go to some places he couldn’t afford, etc. I had to spill some truth to him and it worked out, I got inside his head.
This makes me so mad. I’m mad for you OP.
He’s like my ex. My ex sucked big time. Over our 11 year relationship I think he was only employed for 3 years or so. I limited my lifestyle so much so he could be a part of it. He was never thankful. He was resentful, hated my friends, and hated having me around.
Do yourself a favour and cut this dead weight, find someone who’s actually a partner, and you’ll be much happier.
If you break up with him now you will thank yourself later, if you stay with him now you will tank yourself later. Choice is yours.
You let him do this he’s taking advantage of you. Too smart for his own good. At this point you’d be better off w a blue collar construction worker who works 40 hrs/week. So sorry
If he hasn’t had a job since finishing school, he’s a “college graduate” — not an “engineer”. Whether he’s using you or actually committed to the relationship, only he’ll know, but it’s something that you two need to find a way to have an adult conversation about. At this point, he’s getting his milk for free, so what incentive does he have to pitch in to buy the cow? If he’s only putting in a few hours at a time, he very likely will never find a job … and, at least from the outside looking in, that seems intentional at this point. My dad used to tell us “it takes a full time job to get a full job”, which means a couple things. In this context and his original context, it means it takes a 40 hour/week effort to find a good job — and if you’re not currently working, you don’t have anything else better to be doing anyway. I don’t want to be one of those Redditors that immediately jumps to “u gotta brek uppp!” on a post like this, but if he’s choosing to play video games instead of working / finding work and is unwilling to have an adult conversation about it with his partner, who for their effort has been supporting him completely for 3.5 years now, then you should really spend some time thinking very critically of the future you want for you and whether or not it’s reasonably possible to continue including him in those thoughts.
You met 4 years ago and he immediately moved in with you and stopped working… obviously he was just looking to move in with a sugar momma and that’s what you are to him. He’s never gonna work, he doesn’t want to. I bet he’s lying about his “engineer” background” too, I bet if you call his university they will have no proof that they conferred a degree to him.
See the truth honey!!
If you’re in the US, unemployment rate is 3.6%. it’s insanely easy to find a job. It doesn’t have to be in his field, anything will help tremendously. He’s using you, and being manipulative. You need to put your foot down, and agree on a timeline for him to get a job or it’ll always be like this. He has no desire to get a job because you give him everything.
>He can’t stand me bringing up the subject, he tells me that it hurts him and that I think he’s doing it on purpose and I feel bad.
Fuck that. YOU’RE hurt. He can’t find what he’s not looking for, and in YOUR house YOU are going to talk about whatever the fuck you want. See if he can find a better price on rent than he has here.
I completely understand why you feel defeated. But I need you to find your rage. He has freeloaded off you for 2 years and then blames you when you struggle to fund his lifestyle. NO. Not to-fucking-day, OP.
Whether or not he can get a job as an engineer (I don’t believe he can’t unless there’s something else he’s not telling you) there is absolutely no reason he can’t get a job, any job. You’re not allowed to say anything because you might hurt his delicate feelings? Girl, he doesn’t want to work. He has a cushy set up. What he does around the house you could pay someone to do if he was working. Don’t put up with this another day. Give him a deadline—two weeks maybe, to get a job, any job. If he doesn’t, that tells you everything need to know. Correction: confirms what you already know. Edit: don’t give him another penny. When he says you act like you believe he doesn’t want to work, say, “You’re right. I don’t!”
After 3.5 years, he is comfy with doing nothing and using you. He’s a leech. I would just kick him out and stop enabling his laziness.
If you don’t want to do that yet, establish clear boundaries. Give him a deadline to get a basic job and stop giving him money, I’d even consider ending the internet access (no games), and don’t pay for his phone bill (or any other ones for that matter).
Girl you got yourself a big old LEECH!
>quickly fell in love
Let’s list the reasons that he deserves even an honest attempt at making this work.
>never paid rent
So he’s a freeloading deadbeat…
>he’s not mean
So he clears the lowest bar imaginable in a relationship…
>he helps me around the house
Oh good! Glad he “helps” at least!
>he tells me that it hurts him and that I think he’s doing it on purpose
He is a terrible communicator who manipulates your emotions.
>he quits and plays video games
He doesn’t take an interest in himself or you.
>because I lend him a little money from time to time
He treats you like a bank
>but he lectured me on the fact that I don’t sell my products expensive enough
And he disrespects you, and mansplains business to you.
>Really, I’m lost on the solutions to solve this problem
One solution to consider is that one of the beautiful magical things about a partnership/relationship is that the people involved are there to uplift, motivate, inspire, and help each other in all sorts of things. And you are allowed, at any time, to cut people from your life who do not uplift, motivate, inspire, and help you.
Turn the WiFi off except for 2 hours a day.
He’ll get a job really really fast
Your boyfriend is a loser or has a major ego or both. He needs a job 3.4 years ago. He needed to get ANY job, even one delivering pizza, while applying for better ones. Some people are entitled and will turn down low offers (at least lower than what they feel they deserve) even when they have nothing, or INSIST they get something in their field of study. Both of those attitudes are wrong when you have nothing.
You need to leave him. Just do it. He will not change as long as you are with him. Maybe he will if you do and the next partner he has wil be bewildered that he was ever how he is now, but that’s just how this shit works. With you, he will always be a loser. Move on for the both of you, but mostly for yourself.
Boundaries are a tough one. The issue us when you are carrying the whole weight of the rent burden it is not possible to do much
I have been very generous with a friend recently. Had to pull right back
Pulling back is tough going. So is setting boundaries. Get support. Get inspiration and preserve your sanity
“I thought he was going to react but he lectured me” babe wake up. That’s literally him being unable to account for his failures. This man is using you.
How do you two pay for everything??
You haven’t tried the only solution to your problem which is…… to leave his parasitic ass. It seems that you will do more than fine without him as he does nothing to contribute to the bills. I would suggest to talk about it if he has been doing it for a couple of months, but 3 years?! Come on. Of course he doesn’t want to talk about it because then you will come to the conclusion that he has to find a job. Something that he clearly doesn’t want to do.
Solution? Tell him to start working or you’ll start the eviction process and dump his useless ass. Easy. He can do uber or grubhub to start. He has no excuse to not work. Stop putting up with his bullshit manipulation.
If you don’t want to break up, at the bare minimum kick him out. Give him 2 weeks to find new living arrangements. Turn off wifi for the house today. Bring home boxes for him to move his crap.
You will never fulfill your dream of living in the mountains with him.
Your boyfriend is a hobo-sexual and a freeloader.
He’s a barnacle. He won’t change. You are a balloon tied to a rock. Cut the string.
Met him 4 years ago, he was a student, graduated and hasn’t worked in 3.5 years. He has actually not had a job the entire time you’ve known him. Why would that change now? He can play video games all day, pretend to job search, and someone else pays his bills. He has it made. Stay with him if you want to support him your entire life.
As others have pointed out, he’s not an engineer. He’s just an unemployed guy living off you.
Wow!!! No way he would have moved in with me with no job… Even if I could afford it. Good luck OP… Deep down you know what to do.
Sounds like a genuine loser with no reason to improve or change since you allow him to walk all over you.
Stand up for yourself!
Then he needs to find a job. Any job! Waiter, dog walker ….anything. Tell him he needs to begin contributing within 60 days or find a new place to live. 3.5 years? Nah. That’s bs.
If you don’t have a job with an engineering degree, you are actively avoiding work.
I was married to someone for 16 years and in the total time they worked full time for 3, part time for 3, and the rest of the time didn’t work. Oh, they had all the reasons and all these plans and it was ok because my job was enough. And it was and I didn’t super care because I loved them and wanted them to explore passions and find their niche. We had a child 6 years ago and they became the stay at home parent, except somehow we still had a nanny and then put kiddo in preschool for half a day.
One day, our situation changed and I told my partner they needed to get a full time job “real job” and all the excuses for the last 16 years came up and then the accusations that I was obsessed with money and being controlling, that I hated some choices they made, that I was abusive financially and never let them buy things (they had an iPad, a new wardrobe they never wore, ps4, lego sets, etc). Then our accounts started plummeting as they convinced me to move into a too-expensive apartment because they would find a job.
We are divorced now. Partner has a full-time job in another state and is living the life they always wanted and enjoying the responsibility and having their own life. Kiddo stayed with me and things are hard, but they are much easier than they had been.
TL;DR: it’s manipulation, selfish, potentially narcissistic behavior that will not change until it absolutely has to and you stop enabling him.
Oof…this sounds so much like my ex I’m getting PTSD flashbacks. I killed myself working 3 jobs. I’d set up job interviews for him and he wouldn’t show up. Then he’d try to turn it around on me saying all I care about is money, that if I really loved him I wouldn’t care…as I was drowning in bills and exhaustion. I finally couldn’t take anymore and I broke up with him. When I started dating my now husband, the ex tried to say it was because he was rich…because he worked full-time and had his own car…I’m so happy I traded in a parasite for a partner. You will not believe the burden you will relieve yourself from when you finally move on.
Take it from someone who unfortunately married a guy like this:
If he wanted to support himself by working for pay HE WOULD.
There would be more than 20 minutes spent on job searching and he wouldn’t guilt trip you for pointing out this simple basic truth.
He’s touchy about it because deep down he knows it’s wrong but he doesn’t care.
The freeloading will continue as long as you allow it to 🤷♀️
So if he wasn’t mooching off you? Where would he be?
He should move back in with his mom. He’s clearly not ready for life.
He isn’t a partner. He’s not paying his part of rent or bills, though he does some of the chores, and he gets angry when you mention that he isn’t working. He might be suffering clinical depression to the point he can’t work, but it’s more likely that he’s comfortable with you doing all the work and then lecturing you because you aren’t making enough for him to have more luxuries. When something isn’t sustainable, it will necessarily end. Since this will end, you get to choose how it ends.
You could tell him that you and he need to go to his doctor to see about his applying for disability. You could introduce him to a recruiting or temp agency or the local state agency that handles finding jobs. You could give him a deadline of three months to either get a paycheck or to move out. You could have him move out and date him (but not live together until he’s had a job for a year). You, his family, and your friends could do an intervention. You don’t have to support him for the rest of your life while he is angry if you want him to contribute to his life.