Well, that says it all really. I (38m) had profiles on a lot of dating apps, I was getting some matches here and there but I couldn’t keep a conversation going. I really hate texting because a text message lacks the nuance of a face to face chat, a video call or even a phone call.
Any tips on improving this?
My social circle has shrunk over the last few years so meeting a woman “in-the-wild” is probably not going to happen.
4 comments
I agree, texting sucks. Tons of room for misinterpretation, there’s no emotions as opposed to irl communication. But in this day and age, texting has became a must for dating.
Here’s an excerpt from a document that I have made, there are always exceptions so don’t take it too literally:
Regardless of how you get her contacts, the rules stay the same for messaging and leading to a date.
Be sure to follow this protocol, this is the barebone structure of how to message a girl that leads her on a date, each of the steps can’t be completed if the prior hasn’t been done in roughly this order, and you should only proceed when you receive equal or positive treatment, if you sense any resistance, pull back immediately and start over more slowly.
1. Fun, personal opener: This is where you either remind her of who you are, where you met, or do a callback to something that happened that brought you two together.
If this is a online match, depending on the context, you can go from canned openers, something suspenseful or curious to a more personalized and relevant compliment, followed with a question for the highest chance of a response. DO NOT just say “Hey” in this case you will most certainly be ignored.
2. Building rapport/investment: This stage is crucial, you need to keep her invested and interested by having a conversation about something that is relevant and matters to her, don’t bore her out with “how are you” or “how your day is going” all the time.
Again, for online matches, you can be a lot more bold and sexual depending on the context as well (if the girl is one of those kind)
Get her comfortable with the idea of talking to you, be able to freely express yourself and be truthful as much as you can, once rapport is established, you can do a lot more.
3. Qualification/Screening: This is the first steps of flirting, when building rapport results in logical responses, you need to pump up the positive with this. A qualification is like a tease, you challenge her. But also to find out if this girl suits you, fell her vibe and read her more. Tell her jokes, if she gets offended easily, move on because further interactions would only waste your time, because if she don’t like the way you text, she won’t like you in person (i.e she don’t like who you are as a person). You can proceed of course if you just want to hook up.
4. Tease/Flirt/Pullback: You should be flirting throughout the text, but only do so very subtly at first, see if she is reciprocating or rejecting. A tease is when you give her shit, challenge her points, this is the “pull” in “push and pull”. A push is when you flirt, sexualize, or compliment her. A “pull” is when you pullback, give her a bit of a challenge, that you are not completely sold yet, that she must work for you and your attention. Lots of room for sexual banter at this stage.
Example: If a girl says she is a dancer, you can say things like:
– “Oh? How do I know if you’re any good”
Which can lead to “I’ll show you” or you can lead with “I’m not buying it, you gotta prove it to me” then go for a close.
5. Soft Close and number
After the above have been established, and you see positive/flirty signs back from her, it’s time to plan the date, tell her the general idea of meeting up and see if she is down or hesitant, this is doing a soft close.
“I’m enjoying this conversation so far, what do you say about continuing it over a coffee sometime?”
“I like talking to you, let’s get off this app and meet up”
Ask for her number if you are chatting somewhere else.
6. Hard close
IF she is positive and down to go out with you, do a hard close with specifics like date/time/location.
Ideally ask her a bunch of questions with “yes” as answers before hard closing, this is also similar to soft closing. You can see there is a build up leading to the hard close: Qualifier -> Suggestion -> Schedule -> Hard close
“Are you free on x” “ Do you like bubble tea?” “How do you feel about having drinks with a cute boy at x bar?” “What is your schedule like” “This weekend, 4 PM, see you there”
Use voice notes?
If you’re not good with texting just inform your matches early on and suggest that you prefer voice notes or meeting in person. Don’t text back and forth for days, as both of you will lose interest. Many women would understand that texting is not your best quality and would agree to phone call or voice notes .. I often match with guys who hate texting or feel conscious about spelling and it’s very normal I ask them to send voice note or call via the app if it makes things easier ..
1. Ask questions other than “how are you” 2. Work with what she gives you. If she says she has a big day at work ask what projects she has going on; if she says she’s hanging out with friends or family follow up later and ask if she had fun, etc. 3. Text a photo to show what you’re doing rather than words. Like instead of “I went for a bike ride” a pic of the view. 4. If she has a fav movie or tv show you’re also familiar with, use some GIFs from it 5. As some mentioned, mix it up with voice notes.