We have been together for seven years now, ever since college. We’ve been together through undergrad, post grad, working life etc.
Thing is, we live in a rather conservative country and we had our own circumstances. She hadn’t had thought of sex and related things till I came into her life. Even when we were together, we fooled around and stuff. We had sex a few times but we didn’t get to penetrative sex. Since we’re from a conservative society, and we had forces of circumstances working against us, both she and I didn’t think it was something major, maybe she was shy, maybe we would be better when we get our own place(filial piety and living in an University town makes parents very angry to let you live by yourself and little financial sense honestly) and stuff.
A few months ago, my gf came out to be as an asexual. Things have been very rocky since. To be clear, she was very supportive and understanding as I freaked out a little. At that point, I was working in another part of the country away from her so…I panicked a lot. I got agitated, I tried to convince myself and her that it’s probably due to being repressed and all.
But I’ve come around. I accept her identity. The issue is…what do we do from here?
We discussed. About everything. She has climaxed before with me, she has felt arousal when I initiated and she liked it. So, I figured maybe it’s the kind of asexuality where she doesn’t want it actively but she likes it when initiated. And I’m fine with it. I really, really love this woman. I am also under no delusion that I’m a movie star that women will jump my bones and stuff. I am okay if it isn’t spontaneous. I will extend my suspension of disbelief and imagine she wants me physically when she sets her ponytail and kneels. I get it. Some amount of suspension of disbelief in lieu of total spontaneity is required in every relationship, it’s sex in our case.
Before you ask whether she is okay with it …i did ask. She said okay. She likes seeing me happy and if i am happy, she is okay putting it that effort. She doesn’t dislike it, just doesn’t feel the need for sex.
Problem is, till now, I was used to another sort of balance in our relationship. Now there’s a paradigm shift. I’m a…horny guy. Things I do often have a sexual undertone. I didn’t realise how much of sex was a part of how I saw things. I’m having whiplash trying to readjust. I’m having issues trying to reassess my worth in her life and in mine taking out the sexual equation.
Her revelation came on top of a 2 year COVID caused dry spell. It’s been 2.5 years since she touched me sexually. I’m…pent up and frustrated. It’s bleeding into other facets of my life. Coupled with the fact that I’m struggling with the question of my space in her life or a desperate attempt to build more connections in lieu of this one…I’m stressed. My sexual urges are scratching at the base of my skull like a cursed scarab digging away in an ancient sarcophagi that time forgot. It’s a low intensity, ever present growl in the shadowy forest giving a traveler restless nights. It is the primal scream echoing with every moment the universe heads towards heat death. Readers, I’m famished. I’m parched. I’m stuck in the bitter cold with the broken dreams of a gold rush, moments away from slaughtering my dog and climbing into its corpse for survival. I’m Hamlet, not quite sure whether I’m going mad or have I convinced myself I’m going mad while Ophelia is afraid and hurt by my descent into desperation.
Through all this, I do love this woman. I don’t want to hurt her, but I am. This need and desperation of mine is obviously hurting her since it’s bleeding into our interactions. She says she is okay to help me out, but I don’t know whether it’s due to our arguments, or whether she disliked being touched now, she is wooden, flinching when I touch her. I came back to the town she is in after six months and she is flinching. Dear gods, that hurts.
I can’t help but feel she isn’t giving me enough time to readjust to our new reality. I have so many questions, so many misguided thoughts and actions. She has been grappling with her sexuality but she is…at peace with it. I simply didn’t have enough headspace to contend with the idea, to turn and fidget, to finger and finagle with the concept in my mind to realign everything else in our relation to match the new realities.
Of course, she feels hurt that it bleeds so much into other aspects now. She feels broken due to my questions, askings, expectations. Everytime now that we discuss it, she perceives it as an attack. I never meant for it to be so. Everytime we discuss, it makes her feel like she’s broken.
My question is, how do I contend with this dilemma? How do we set expectations, most of all, how do I treat her right so that she doesn’t feel hurt or broken…at the end of the day, i love her. And I’d rather abate the ardours of my liver for a while more than hurt this woman.
What should I do?
TL;DR: partner recently came out as Asexual in relationship of seven years. Need advise on how to both convince her she isn’t broken, as well as discuss future expectations and all without making her feel broken
7 comments
With all due respect OP – who talks like this? Creative, if somewhat turgid prose.
Anyway…continue your open communication. Ask direct questions about boundaries, preferences and deal breakers. Make sure that you both have the clearest understanding of what each of you wants and needs in your relationship.
Hopefully you can both find a way that makes this work for you; if not you may be incompatible and each need to move on and find someone on your own sexual desire level. Good luck.
My brother in Christ, It REALLY sounds like you need to see someone about those impossible urges to ignore
I’m in a similar situation with my partner not meeting my sex drive. Over the decade of our off and on relationship it has always felt like I have to convince her to have sex with me even though it is something she enjoys once intimated. I really dislike the feeling of being the one to always have to intimate or like I’m begging my partner to have sex with me. It’s almost like trying to have sex with a virgin every time. She doesn’t understand the importance of sex in a relationship for a man so when I present my concerns I’m gaslight with being lustful or extra horny but as an over the road truck driver when I come home of course I want to make love to my partner what does one expect ? I suggested couples therapy and if that doesn’t reveal a path for us to walk down I think I may need to come to terms with reality
The only question that matters is what you want. Do you want to actively be in a romantic relationship with a person you may never again have sex with, knowing they don’t want you sexually in any capacity, knowing you’ll likely never be able to have sex with anyone else either? If the answers is no then just save yourself the pain and break up and find someone compatible. Don’t settle for someone who may be willing to let you fuck them on occasion to appease you. That’s just sad. You don’t even live together so it shouldn’t be that hard to disentangle your lives.
Alright, so, I’m somewhat like your gf. I never thought of sex growing up, and didn’t start actively masturbating with the goal of an orgasm in mind until my mid 20s. Never seriously pursued a relationship because I never thought I’d ever want to do anything sexy with anyone. Sex is gross etc.
Then I met my bf and, somehow, I wouldn’t say “it all changed” but because I liked him so much, and he respected my pronouncement of asexuality, I actually got curious about sex and stuff. We are still ldr at the moment, and I guess in that honeymoon phase of attraction, so I can’t say how long this will all last. But I like him and want to have sex with him. As it stands, we plan to have sex twice a week when we move in together.
It’s different from your situation, though, because my bf has a relatively low libido due to his anxiety meds. He is also very affectionate and cuddly, always touching me in relatively innocent ways, like he’s touch-starved or doesn’t believe I’m there. Because of how affectionate he is, in his nature, I never have to worry about “He’s only affectionate to get sex” etc. like a lot of ladies seem to.
I wanted to point this out since you sound very horny from your post and you need to be careful of having it show in every interaction with your gf.
I understand you’re frustrated but here’s something: it’s ok to masturbate!
My advice is to keep communicating. Find out her thoughts on masturbation and other sexual acts and see if you can find some compromise.
Break up. why on earth would you settle for an asexual GF? Sex is nonnegotiable in a relationship.
“my gf came out to be as an asexual” Did she come out to everyone or just to you?