Tl;dr my wife always shouts at me when I do things wrong, I am very passive and I really hate this and need advise.
Quick bit of background, together 6 years married 2. Stable household, pets & an easy life.
I feel as if I cannot do anything right, I cannot say anything in the wrong tone or say anything that may be interpreted the wrong way. I must do things correctly. If I don’t, the attitude is the first to come and then seconds after an argument starts. I never yell, I am a very passive guy and want nothing but a happy relationship with communication. I try my best to please my wife, I try to do everything asked and yes, sometimes I get things wrong, I wake up late and I say something without thinking but I’m always actively trying not to anger her. I love my wife to bits, she’s my life but it’s absolutely humiliating and belittling when I’m yelled at. I never yell back and I always point it out instantly and ask if we can just communicate. This is always done within an earshot of next door or people walking near and it’s so embarrassing. I ask every single time exactly what I have done wrong so I can better it for the next time, I always ask for us to communicate by sitting and speaking and I always tell her I do not hear shouting. If she needs me to understand something she needs to speak to communicate it.
The arguments are always her yelling at me, me trying to understand what I’ve done and leaving. After some time, I’ll go back and apologise for anything I’ve done to upset her.
A good example of this situation is the other morning. She was awake, I’m still mostly asleep. Her brother walks in and asked for something and I hear and join the convo and ask how he is as he’s been out of town. When he leaves my wife instantly gets upset and catches an attitude with me, I ask her what’s up and she starts getting mad about how I never speak to her like that in the morning and how I instantly wake up and speak when he arrives. I told her that I didn’t realise that was the case and I was just been polite as I haven’t seen him in a while but this turned into a full on argument because I don’t show her the same level of respect in the mornings. Fast forward 10 mins and she’s taken her rings off and she’s telling me she hates me and isn’t happy. I said I’d really like to sit and speak to her and figure it out. But no, I’m been yelled at because I should have spoken to her better in the start. I told her I won’t be yelled at and left. This is a pretty standard occurrence.
I want my wife to be happy, I want to make her happy. I want to communicate like I know how, I want to sit and hear everything that is concerning her so I can work on it and I’d like her to do the same for me. I cannot stand yelling and she knows this. I understand I do lots of things to anger her, I’m always messing up things here and there and yes I can sometimes be a little groggy in the mornings but I’m getting really concerned about how she is reacting to what I’m doing. I’m really a lovely guy, I’m never mean to anybody and I don’t have a problem with a single person on planet earth. I want want to be happy with my wife. Can someone offer some advise on this?
11 comments
That sounds really difficult. Frankly, next time she takes the rings off I’d call her out; “if you’re really that unhappy happy and don’t want to work through this together I think it’s best we take some time apart to reassess”
I’d recommend suggesting counselling in order to work through your conflicts.
Effective communication skills are not taught for couples. Check to see if there are communication workshops for couples in your area. Based on what you write, it is difficult to determine whether she is yelling because she has reached a limit or not. But yelling is not an acceptable part of healthy arguments. We see it in movies and such, but that isn’t healthy or effective.
Stop being passive and apologetic. Don’t you deserve respect too? You don’t have to yell back, but there’s nothing wrong with calmly calling her bullshit out.
“I’m a grown man. If you have a problem with my behavior, you can talk to me like a grown man, but what you’re not going to do is continue to belittle or embarrass me by yelling at me about the things that bother you. And the next time you take those rings off your hand, you better damn well mean it. I deserve better than this. So if you don’t step up and start communicating your needs in a respectful and adult manner, then you’re not gonna need to threaten me anymore because I will leave. Are we clear? If we are clear, I’d be happy to listen to you *calmly* explain to me what I’ve done to upset you. Then I’d like some time to work on that behavior with a couple calm reminders should I slip up. I will gladly do the same for you and your yelling. If we can’t communicate effectively moving forward, on our own, then I’d like for us to see a counselor, but this screaming and threatening me is not going to be allowed to continue.”
Then work on any behaviors she calmly asks you to change. And see that she does also. If after a month you’re both lacking, make an appointment with a marriage counselor.
Man op this sounds awful. I’m similar to you. I’m very passive. But I set rules from the get go.
One of those rules is never make a scene in public! No reason for neighbors or strangers in our business. Unless you are doing something so foolish that a scene is necessary.
But you deserve respect. I hear you trying to make things right but did read where she tried to do right for you.
So does she really want to be in this relationship. You guys hooked up wicked young. Good luck to you….
Remember you matter too in a relationship!!! Not just her
Every time she shouts, remove yourself from the situation until she calms down and you can discuss it like adults. If she’s yelling like a toddler having a tantrum, put her on time out. If it’s demeaning to be yelled at, it’s 10x more demeaning to be treated like a toddler whilst behaving like a toddler at 24 YO.
I would definitely see a couple counselor for this
This is borderline (if not flat out) abusive behavior from your wife. The fact that you are afraid of how she’ll react to minor issues and feel the need to walk on eggshells around her says a lot. She should not be yelling and belittling you, period. It’s even worse that she does it in public! That is not how adults communicate.
I am also a very non-confrontational and passive person by nature, but I have learned it is extremely important to set boundaries and have respect for yourself. You do not deserve to be treated that way over small transgressions. It’s easy to fall into a habit of feeling like you can’t or shouldn’t stand up for yourself, but the truth is you are worthy of being treated with respect, especially by your partner!
Is she wrong for expressing how she felt you weren’t attentive to her in the morning? Of course not! It’s totally okay for her to bring up concerns she has in your relationship. The problem lies in *how* she expressed her feelings. Yelling and threatening divorce is not healthy behavior and it is very, very unfair to you.
You need to sit down with her when you are both calm and voice YOUR concerns. Tell her you are feeling unhappy and ridiculed because of how she communicates with you. Tell her you want to be able to have calm, rational discussions like adults. Tell her that her screaming, belittling, and embarrassing you is not okay and is damaging your relationship.
Next time she yells at you, calmly tell her you will not talk to her if that’s how she’s going to act, and then just leave. Do not engage with her at all, let her know that if she doesn’t want to talk to you with respect, you will not be talking at all.
Counseling can also help a lot. Having an unbiased third party can be extremely helpful in tackling emotionally charged issues. Good luck to you!
Yelling at you all the time is abuse. You need to get help. If she will go to counselling with you there is hope but you must act. Don’t wait 20 years.
She’s manipulative, immature, and controlling.
Stop apologizing, you are being a doormat, which makes her not respect you and emboldens her to do it again
you deserve better man
Your wife sounds abusive. Shouting at you all the time is not acceptable. Would you do that to someone you loved? I have a feeling you wouldn’t. You deserve good, caring love in your life. You’re young. Divorcing her sounds like an option!