Before I (21M) write anything about my girl (19F)…. Just want say that this may be a very long post. So please take your time and enjoy this read as I pour my thoughts/feelings into words.
I’ve fallen in love once and that did not end well, since then I have kept an arms distance between all the other girls I’ve dated. Recently I reconnected with the girl I’m talking to right now from highschool and something about her opened up my heart to love again. Her last relationship which lasted almost a year was extremely toxic and manipulative, there was a constant cycle of on and off, at the time she had a anxious attachment style and now because of the trauma she has developed into a avoidant/disorganized attachment style and is somewhat emotionally unavailable. Despite both of us acknowledging this we still really like each other and still want to try to see where things go. We tried dating for 2 weeks but it was too much for her to handle emotionally, because to her dating is like “I see a future with this person” and for me “I like this girl right now I want her”…. Before we got together she had broken up with her ex for the 4th time and was for good. She just did not have the mental/emotional capacity for another relationship. Before she realized she was emotionally unavailable, she did really want to be with me and wanted to date me, until she realized she started being more independent and was scared to catch even more feelings for me. She has a lot of fear of loving me more, being controlled by another person, being abandoned, and insecurities of self image.
I truly care about this person and have a lot of love for her, not the type of love where I want to spend the rest of my life with her because we have only been taking for about 5 months, but love as in I care for her and can relate to her trauma and want to be there to help her through this process. Because of her AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT + EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY, sometimes it makes it quite difficult to progress and create a deeper connection in our relationship. When the times are good, they are fucking amazing, but when it is bad I feel left in the dust with confusion and hopelessness because the energy and the love I put towards her is usually no reciprocated. I understand that people like her may need a lot of time and space and I give her that, I respect her needs and use that time to focus on myself. There are flaws that I see in not only her but the relationship, but not every relationship is perfect and I am willing to look past the bad stuff and focus on the good, because i love her. I also believe that with time we can work on those flaws/problems.
The question is, am I wasting my time? Am I shooting myself in the foot for clinging onto the potential of what it could be? In the process I am learning so much about relationships, life, love, and myself. So no matter what I am grateful for this experience, I have grown so much in this process and as I push myself to do better to become the man that I’ve always strived to be, in a way she brings the best out of me through this situation. I love this girl and I feel like for her love takes a longggg time and is built brick by brick where as I fell in deeper love as I got to know her. What would you guys do? Is love supposed to be easy or hard?
Key things about her:
– Great family relationship
– Her parents are highschool sweethearts (so is her sister’s relationship)
– Does not like to talk about very emotionally intense topics
– Very high EQ and self awareness (me too)
– The cutest smile
Please if anyone with experience can give me wisdom and guidance. Please don’t hesitate to ask question. Thank you to whoever takes their time to read and process this post.
TL;DR
Loving a girl that is that has avoidant attachment and is somewhat emotionally unavailable. Both really like each other, I believe if we keep working on it, the relationship will be amazing, but is it worth it? Do I continue to drag myself through this to be with her? Is love a painful process?
2 comments
You are definitely wasting your time. She won’t ever get into a relationship with you again.
Also what you described is just caring for someone, not love
So listen man, I was asking the same exact questions for this girl I had been talking to for 4 months, and she also was emotionally unavailable or at least restrictive because her ex had broken up with her for the second time (this time they dated for 2 years). She was still getting over things and to her a relationship was also “seeing a future with that person”, and she was so emotionally damaged she couldn’t see one with me because of her trauma. I asked the same thing “am I wasting my time” but I figured exactly like u that things take time or are built “brick by brick”. How it ended for me was that all of the sudden she pulled back contact with me verrrry much for 10 days, then things were never the same after that. She claims she did it because she wanted to prevent things from going further because that’s what I was expecting, and she wasn’t ready for that. We talked as “friends” for 2 months after this but I still had/have feelings for her so it was torture. Yesterday she just told me her ex who hadn’t contacted her for 7 months reached out and wants to meet her for “closure” on their relationship. She was considering NOT TELLING ME but decided to be open and honest. Btw if someone consoles you for months about a person and become emotionally attached to you, you should prob always tell that person if you’re gonna see the person you cried about to them. Anyway I made a whole post about this actually so u can click on my profile and read it if your interested. Please man, please save yourself. You and I deserve someone who’s there 100% and not just using us to fill the lack of the other person. They say they won’t get back with them for months, but then they’re meeting again. Please man save yourself from the pain and cut her off. Explain to her why of course, but please leave before you become more hurt because that’s where this is leading