I (39m) grew out in and out of the foster care system. My birth family was deeply dysfunctional and abusive in a myriad of ways, so much so that I haven’t spoken to any of them in over a decade. The patterns of unhealthy behavior carried over into my adult life and I had trouble maintaining long term relationships. About three years ago I started therapy and about one year ago I met my girlfriend (29f).
My girlfriend is an amazing person and we have so much in common. She makes me feel understood and heard, which is huge for me, and I love her so much. I’ve actually been thinking about proposing but I have one major hesitation, and that is her family.
GF is the eldest of three children, her father passed away when she was 12 and her mother got remarried to a really great guy when GF was in college and his son and daughter joined the family with him. The whole family is super close, GF works for her mom and step-dad’s business with her step-brother, they live within five miles of each other and her siblings and the whole family gets together every Sunday night for dinner (they rotate between houses and take turns cooking/hosting). I recently moved in with her and our house is very much a fixer upper. Whenever there’s a problem with the house (I am NOT handy) her step-dad, step-brother and brother turn up with toolboxes and beer in hand. Whenever my GF has a bad day, she calls her mom. GF, her mom, sister and step-sister get manicures together bi-weekly. The whole family has a group chat (I was added a few months ago) that they use to coordinate all week.
-J is getting his wisdom teeth out Tuesday, who can drive them home and hang out with him for a few hours!
-A’s teaching her first yoga class Friday! Let’s all sign up and support her!
I have never experienced anything like this before. My girlfriends in the past have had mixed relationships with their families and certainly nothing so close and enmeshed. I’ve spoken about it in passing to my therapist but she didn’t see any red flags, on the contrary she thought it was a positive thing for me to be “adopted” into GF’s family.
I’ll admit I’m a bit resistant to joining the Brady-bunch. I haven’t been cold exactly, but I also haven’t reached out. I can’t stop this nagging feeling that this is all too good to be true and that this seemingly happy family is hiding some deeper dysfunction even if, objectively, I know there’s nothing which had led me to that suspicion apart from my own personal trauma. GF has never eluded to any family trouble apart from lingering pain of her father’s death. I can’t help feeling that relying *this* much on your family or having them *this* involved in your life is a sign of codependency. Where is the line between close and too close? Am I being crazy for trying to find something wrong with this whole situation?
TL:DR- I grew up in an unhealthy family dynamic, GF is in a big, super close family and I can’t help feeling like it’s all too good to be true.
8 comments
I grew up in a healthy stable nuclear family with lovely extended family nearby. This level of involvement sounds like A LOT to me. I’d feel overwhelmed by the frequency of in-person meeting.
That said, I don’t think anything you described is wrong, per se.
Take it slow but some families are that close. That is not going to change. Yes, I am sure this is a lot to get used to given how you were raised.
Some families just really do like each other. It doesn’t sound like they’re dependent on each other, just supportive. There is probably some drama in the family, because there always is, but it sounds like for the most part they are happy.
Stop trying to find problems where there are none, and continue to work with your therapist.
[deleted]
This sounds like a normal, healthy family dynamic.
It’s okay to be uncomfortable with it. Even if you had a different healthy dynamic with your family growing up, you might find this healthy dynamic to be too enmeshed or too frequent.
It’s okay to be nervous. Wise even, at this stage in your relationship, to be a bit cautious about your role and your emotional dependency on her network.
I’d really suggest you speak to your GF a bit and admit your discomfort, and that you’re questioning what boundaries you need with her family so you can feel secure. You can express gratitude for being included and you can and should let her know that they have done absolutely nothing wrong! But also let her know that you’re not completely comfortable just going with the flow and that you’re doing some work with your therapist to figure out just how much engagement with her family you’re comfortable with.
There may well be some dysfunction in here! Most families have some, but “some dysfunction” is not the catastrophe your life has taught you it is. It’s just, some occasional conflict and hurt feelings you generally work through, dynamics shift with age and life stages, and basically everyone goes along and gets along with the normal bumps.
I can see where you would find this overwhelming and are not trusting it on its face. But give it time. Some families ARE this close. And just because there isnt any major dysfunction doesn’t mean they are perfect, I’m sure there have been squabbles and there will be in the future. It’s ok. The good news is that they are inviting you into the family and don’t appear to be judging you because you came up differently. Believe it or not, some people are just nice, good people. I hope you become more comfortable with time.
I come from a family like this.
It’s supportive but not oppressive. We disagree and robustly discuss stuff but we love and like each other.
My husband came from a disjointed family and he embraced this dynamic. He would go to the weekly dinners without me if I was working.
My mum asked me several times if he was OK coming without me as she was worried he might feel out of place.
He didn’t, he loved it.
Don’t over think it, take it at face value and set boundaries if you need too. Maybe go to alternate get togethers etc. Just wrap yourself in it and see how it goes.
Sometimes the other shoe never drops.
I get where you’re coming from. I grew up pretty dysfunctional and I was in a group home and eventually a foster home at one time. This kind of thing would be extremely overwhelming to me too. I’m currently with a partner who is like me, close with parts of his family, but not enmeshed, and I prefer it this way.
I’d explain it to your gf that you’d like to transition into this kind of family this more slowly. Have you discussed this at all with her? Does she know how you grew up? An open and honest discussion with her sounds like what you need, and it seems like she would be very good at communication (possible plus side to having a very close family Unit).
You may find though that it’s not your cup of tea, and that’s okay too. But again, that’s another open and honest conversation you’d need to have with her.